Emailed to me yesterday:
_______________________________________--
I've been wondering why I feel so tired. I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep,not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,earwax build-up,
poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to d o the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
LOL!
A buddy of mine got a Viagra pill stuck in his throat last week.
He had a stiff neck for days!
Wow, that must have been really hard on him. :o
He 'claims' it was a friend ;D
Oh well, keep a stiff upper lip, Brian. It'll get better soon.
Tried it, but didn't inhale...
Loose lips sink ships!
>> A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife
>> looks over
>> at him and asks the question....
>>
>> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>>
>> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>>
>> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>>
>> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>>
>> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>>
>> WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>>
>> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>>
>> WIFE: -- silence-
>>
>> HUSBAND: "sh*t!!
>>
>>
Quote from: FSPinNY on November 05, 2005, 08:28 AM NHFT
A buddy of mine got a Viagra pill stuck in his throat last week.
He had a stiff neck for days!
Man talk about premature swellation!!
This would be funnier if the was blood and bones protruding.
http://www.yeeguy.com/freefall/
The Sunbather
Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday" "YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel." "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances. Love Vinnie
Don't stop now. You're on a roll. ;D
Italian Honeymoon
-------------------------
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello
to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how vassah de treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga vassah perfecto except for da traina ride
down."
"Whadda you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."
"Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice
cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga
vassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket.
The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, 'no eat in
dissa car. Musta use a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga
luncha and start to open a bottle of
nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, 'No
drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.'
"So, we go to club car. While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga
cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, 'No smokin
in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car.' We go to smokin car and I smoka
my biga cigar.
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka
through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia!
Nofolka Virginia!'
"Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!"
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,00000
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print
in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money,
I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the
balls!"
;D
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Q. How do you say hello in French?
A. "I Surrender."
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Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and toast?
A. You can't make French soldiers out of toast.
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Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?
A. They rarely get attacked from behind.
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Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.
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Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
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Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
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Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
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Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.
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Q: What?s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket
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The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.
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Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
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Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
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Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"
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Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.
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Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
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Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
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Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
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Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
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Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?
A: A start.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties. The first man had married a
woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was
going to do all the dishes and house cleaning He said it took
a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day it was better By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a
huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and
telephone a landscaper.
Got to love them Massachusetts Girls.
Indian Winter
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist
at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever ."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood
LOL :D
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
I'm still an Atheist, but, I thought this was funny.
_____________________________________
The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that
light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of
the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful."
some classics and some new ones for me:
http://www.angelfire.com/ky/nogod/joke.html
for instance:
Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
The heretic
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
The correct answer was NH underground liberation front. I would have pushed him. Splinterer!!! :)
I just spit out a mouthful of water on this one:
The drunk in the cathedral
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
....and for us Christians:
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/home.html
I had forgetten about this magazine since college.
God's Creation Blog
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/creationblog.html
An elderly country music fan decided to show her devotion to her two favorite stars by getting their faces tattooed on her upper thighs. She went to the tattoo parlor and explained what she wanted, but she wasn't sure she could trust the artist to do a good rendition. She made him promise that if they weren't good likenesses, the tattoos would be free.
Many hours of work later, the ink slinger proclaimed the job finished, and offered the client a mirror. Sure enough, there were two faces very high up on her inner thighs, but she couldn't tell which was supposed to be which. "Those don't look right! Nobody can tell who they are! I'm not paying for that!"
The tattoo artist figured she was just trying to cheat him, so he stepped out and grabbed a wino off the street. "C'mere!" He pointed at her left thigh and said, "Does that look like Johnny Cash?"
The wino pondered a bit and shook his head. "No, no... I toured with Johnny Cash before the pills ruined my life. That's not him."
A bit miffed, the artist pointed to the right thigh and asked, "Does that look like Conway Twitty?"
The wino thought about it and said, "No, I toured with Conway Twitty before the booze took over my life. That doesn't look a thing like him."
The artist was fuming, but he said to the lady, "Okay, a deal's a deal. The work is free."
Meanwhile, the wino is still studying what's before him. "But wait a minute. I toured with Willie Nelson too, and that one in the middle is the spittin' image! "
Russell, here is one for Porcupine Partners (http://keenefreepress.editme.com/PorcupinePartners):
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:
God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.
God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, Sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....
God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
LOL!
Quote from: patmccotter on December 06, 2005, 03:49 AM NHFT
Russell, here is one for Porcupine Partners (http://keenefreepress.editme.com/PorcupinePartners):
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:
You are right ... I will use it. 8)
I might have even seen another version of this before.
I'm surprised FreedomBabe hasn't found this and posted it
_____________________
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fatman in a red
velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Maybe the reindeer, like some around here, aren't real females.
???
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :P
http://www.whitehouse.org/firstlady/recipebox.asp
COW POLITICS
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don?t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don?t milk them because you cannot touch any creature?s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he?s French, other times he?s Flemish. The Flemish cow won?t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow?s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can?t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
;D 8)
Angel on the tree
When four of Santa?s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn?t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Silent Farts
A man goes to his doctor. "Doc, I keep cutting these silent farts oh shit, theres one now!, I cant's stop them damn there goes another one! I go out in public and I cut a silent fart and its embarresing as Hell! christ! there's another one! Doc, Can't you help me with these silent farts?"
"Well, first of all I have some bad news for you, You're losing your hearing"
A traveling salesman stops at a farmhouse and asks if he can stay for the night.
"ok says the farmer, but, you'll have to stay in the barn"
The next morning the farmer asks the man if he slept alright.
"Yes, but, before I turned in I had a talk with all your animals"
"You did?" asked the farmer thinking the guy was nuts.
"Yes, I talked to your horse. He said the you've had him for 14 years and you're very nice to him"
Hmm, thought the farmer, I have had that horse 14 years!
" I talked to your cow. She said you've had had her for 12 years, you milk her twice a day and she's comfortable"
Hmm, I have had that cow 12 years!, he thought
"You've had one chicken 4 years and the other 6, you gather their eggs every morning and feed them every day right on time"
I don't know about this guy thought the farmer, still a little skeptical.
"I spoke to your sheep......"
"Don't you believe those sheep! they're a couple of liars!
Quote from: patmccotter on December 11, 2005, 02:18 PM NHFT
COW POLITICS?
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
And to this I would add:
"In order to manage your herd of cows, you hire among others, the neighbor who has none, thus giving him the income he needs to purchase milk for his own family."
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Technology for Country Folk (http://www.rebelwolf.com/essn/Dec/page0005.htm)
LOL!
Quote from: donlovelace on December 02, 2005, 04:53 PM NHFT
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
<snip>
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
I had the problems above, and after my Wife 2.0 upgrade proved to be little
more than costly bloatware, i started to look into the underlying reasons.
Being a geek, I figured there must be an underlying reason that most of my
versions of Wife or Girlfriend (no matter what the version number) seemed to
have so many interoperability problems. It didn't take long to trace the
root cause back the millions of lines of outdated and archaic code in the
base operating system, Monogamy?T .95b.
Fortunately, I've discovered an alternative in the 'open source' community.
A few years ago I reformatted my hard drive and installed a trial version of
PolyOS. Unlike the Monogamy?T versions I'd used in the past, I soon
discovered PolyOS came in a variety of flavours depending on needs. The
initial trial version I installed was somewhat buggy, admittedly, but that
was at least as often due to my own inexperience as it was the fault of
PolyOS. One of the primary issues I had with early versions were in
interoperability between my various Partner routines, but I soon came to
realize that process was made much easier by downloading and enabling
Honesty 2.3, a suite of ethics and morality that is VERY hard to find for
any Monogamy?T versions.
Now, I'm almost completely stable on PolyOS. My Partner routines easily
interact with each other and the rest of the vital functions, and even with
my tweaks (another advantage to PolyOS is that the code is all open source
and modifiable, unlike the closed and proprietary Monogamy?T systems), it
looks like both primary Partner routines will soon be sharing the same
memory space happily. Even better, I've found that my PolyOS system EASILY
networks with other PolyOS systems, no matter versions they may be running.
Its even possible to network with some Monogamy?T versions (usually the
latest ones), though the process is difficult and time consuming, and often
causes internal conflicts within the Monogamy?T subsystems. Total system
crashes can result in the remote Monogamy?T systems, so proceed with caution
... PolyOS systems are rarely affected by the attempt at networking, but
occasionally nasty crashes by Monogamy?T can sometimes transfer glitches to
PolyOS as well.
In the end, I'd have to recommend PolyOS. I've experienced VERY few
problems since the total system upgrade, but I will admit to having to
change some basic substructure of my system before getting PolyOS tuned just
right, and its worth checking out the system requirements before you start
as installing it on a system that doesn't meet minimum specs can cause
serious damage. But if you've got the hardware for it, I say take the
plunge. Once you install PolyOS, you'll never want to run Monogamy?T again.
One word of caution ... PolyOS is FAR less compatible than Monogamy?T in the
general world ... Many systems are unwilling to even try PolyOS, regardless
of their specs.
What happens to a woman's asshole just immediately before having amazing sex?
She drops him off at the golf course!
Dawn sent this one :o
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
Bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back
to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh
look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the
second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second
bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
Living in '06
You know you're living in 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends ..you know you want to!
Happy New Year
I didn't scroll back. Is there a deep inner meaning to this? ;D
Quote from: AlanM on January 01, 2006, 11:39 AM NHFT
I didn't scroll back. Is there a deep inner meaning to this? ;D
I think the point it's trying to make is that we have learned how to absorb more information quickly by ignoring the details.
or that some of us don't worry that joke lists have proper numbering schemes. ;D
Pretty funny ..... I just don't live in the cellphone world. :)
cathleeninnh, 19,20, and the last one were exactly what I did :o :-[
Quote from: russellkanning on January 01, 2006, 12:37 PM NHFT
or that some of us don't worry that joke lists have proper numbering schemes. ;D
Pretty funny ..... I just don't live in the cellphone world. :)
I don't live in a land-line world. Technology advances.
I also don't live in a Teevee world. I killed the idiot box a long time ago.
Didja shoot it? ;D
See? TV prompts violence!
Quote from: katdillon on January 03, 2006, 08:20 AM NHFT
Didja shoot it? ;D
No, I sold it to some socialist pagan friends for $15
I still have one in the motorhome though but I've not ever watched it. Bought it to watch movies on the road but have yet to work on the road. Now I have a laptop to watch movies on.
Mostly I just watch Buffy, Firefly and Serenity on the laptop.
I do admit that my GF tapes Alias and I will watch that as long as it is not live on the air...
On Netflix, you can get TV series if you want.
I tried watching my laptop once, but it was really boring and made the think I oughta diet.
You're lucky you can see your laptop!
Quote from: katdillon on January 04, 2006, 12:19 PM NHFT
On Netflix, you can get TV series if you want.
I tried watching my laptop once, but it was really boring and made the think I oughta diet.
Your laptop didn't seem all that boring to me.
Different tastes...
Got this one today:
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him he a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
LOL ;D
Of course the punch line could omit Bush and be just as funny.
Or the robot could say, "if this is what it does to you, perhaps you should quit drinking"
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
> the hospital.
> While on the operating table she had a near death
> experience.
> Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
> God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8
> days to live."
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
> and have a
> facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
> someone come! in and
> change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to
> live, she
> figured she might as well make the most of it.
> After her last operation, she was released from the
> hospital. While
> crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
> ambulance.
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you
> said I had another
> 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of
> ! the ambulance?"
> &nbs p; God replied, "I didn't recognize you.
:)
LOL :)
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2005/12/ideals.html (http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2005/12/ideals.html)
As you know, the Founding Fathers had a lot of time to write things down because they didn?t have television, and there are only so many hours that you can spend whittling new teeth. But I don?t believe they ever got together and created a document called the Bill of Ideals. To understand their ideals we must look to their actions. Here are a few of the ideals they apparently shared:
1. Slavery ? excellent source of poontang
2. Women voting? That?s crazy talk!
3. People who don?t own land suck
4. A good way to change tax policy is through violence
5. It?s not really crossdressing if you also wear manly boots.
6. Treason is okay if you have a good reason.
7. No one wants to sit next to Ben Franklin
A cop stops a priest for driving erratically. "Have you been drinking, father?", he asks the priest.
"Why no, officer, just water" He points to his water bottle on the seat.
The cop picks up the bottle, opens it and gives it a sniff. Then he sticks it under the priests nose.
"I'll be darned! He's done it again!", the priest exclaims.
:)
This is terrible and not PC :laughing7: ____________________________________________________
Medicare
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad
or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Ca! n't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town.....lf he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
http://www.engrish.com
For PatK (http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=engine-room.jpg&category=Engrish%20from%20Other%20Countries&date=2006-01-13)
from engrish.com.
Thanks Thespis. These are always fun.
LOL, not any engine room I have ever been in. ;D
I follow Amanda's Journal, and, Sandy's as well. The other day Amanda posted this and I had to share it:
Just once, I'd like to see a cookie fortune that says, "End of roll. Change tape now."
This was in TLE:
Letter from E.J. Totty
The oldest profession...
A man walks into a pub. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it and if you got the money, honey I got the time.
So?" He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
E.J. Totty
ejt@seanet.com
;D
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom a! pproached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!? She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya love military time?!)
hehe
You're an EXTREME Redneck if...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18) If your family tree doesn't fork
19- You mow your yard and find 2 cars, you fergot were there.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? ???
Quote from: Tunga on March 16, 2006, 07:50 PM NHFT
What do you call a deer with no eyes? ???
no idea ;D
no eye dear
An old man in one certain bar in Ireland every year sat down on St. Patty's Day and ordered three ales at a time and drank them all one sip from each glass at a time until they were all gone.
After a few years of observing this, the barkeep finally asked him why he drank them that way.
"Well," he said, "me brother Kent is in Australia and me brother Connor is in America, and we promised each other that every St. Patty's we'd drink together. This is the way we all do it since we are so far apart."
"Ah," said the barkeep, "that's a fine tradition then. Thank ye for sharin', this round is on the house."
The next year, the same old man comes into the bar on St. Patty's Day but only orders two ales and proceeds to drink them the usual way, one sip from each at a time.
"Oh no sir, don't tell me one of your brothers has passed on?"
"Eh? No, they're fine thanks fer askin'," he said, "I just quit drinkin' is all!"
What do you call a field full of masturbating cattle?
Beef Stroganoff
Emailed to me at work today...
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George Looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "! That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 385 million people very happy."
Oh!...is the above still allowed under the Patriot Act?
LOL!
1. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
2. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
3. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?
4. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
5. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
6. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
7. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
8. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
9. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
10. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
11. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna' Lose A Trailer.
;D
Sign in a BMW shop:
If Harley made an airplane,
would you fly on it?
Whats the difference between a rose and a BMW?
With a rose, the prick is on the outside.
(http://www.lpar.org/images/Species(b).jpg)
(http://www.lpar.org/images/Mirror-Mirror(b).jpg)
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And
to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can youbelieve it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964
my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head &mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Kelly twins are drunk again."
;D
Do you know why God gave us Beer?
To keep the Irish from ruling the world. :D
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Who is the poorest person in West Virginia?
Bastard!!!!
I have a father and mother - and they are married!
Well, they were!!!! before I was born!!!
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don! 't! ," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
hehe :)
Wonderfully funny web site:
The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference (http://j-walk.com/other/conf/index.htm)
LOL!
How do golden porcupines have sex?
I don't know, you have to ask Ian or Julia.
Russell,
Mike Marland hasn't heard of Porcupine Partners, has he?
[attachment deleted by admin]
unless he is calling us a couple of illegals.
Someone sent me this:
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an ***hole.
Subject: A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley-
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
;D
http://www.thenormanrockwellcode.com/ (http://www.thenormanrockwellcode.com/)
This short was made in NH, mostly in Dover. Funny if you like the Davinci Code, probably boring if not. Guest stars Fritz Weatherbee as "the victim".
Haha...this was on TLE:
(http://www.ncc-1776.org/tletoon/Bush_WTC2.jpg)
Quote from: katdillon on July 24, 2006, 05:33 AM NHFT
Haha...this was on TLE:
(http://www.ncc-1776.org/tletoon/Bush_WTC2.jpg)
I like that one.
Ghostbusters?
Quote from: KBCraig on July 25, 2006, 01:01 AM NHFT
Ghostbusters?
No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?
TRacy
Quote from: tracysaboe on July 25, 2006, 01:09 AM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on July 25, 2006, 01:01 AM NHFT
Ghostbusters?
No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?
Gee, I feel so silly. ::)
Quote from: KBCraig on July 25, 2006, 02:19 AM NHFT
Quote from: tracysaboe on July 25, 2006, 01:09 AM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on July 25, 2006, 01:01 AM NHFT
Ghostbusters?
No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?
Gee, I feel so silly. ::)
You should, Kevin. Like, everybody in the world saw that movie. ::) Hmmph. I didn't even read the books.
<Valley Girl Accent>
Like.
Everybody!
Yeawh, Ch. </Valley girl Accent>
Tracy
Quote from: tracysaboe on July 25, 2006, 01:09 AM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on July 25, 2006, 01:01 AM NHFT
Ghostbusters?
No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?
TRacy
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Quote from: Pat McCotter on April 15, 2006, 08:27 AM NHFT
Wonderfully funny web site:
The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference (http://j-walk.com/other/conf/index.htm)
Caleb wanted to see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32ujZB3kmmE
http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf
That's it...I'm moving this whole thread to the childish board.
:P
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
absolutely true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,
Tennessee.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which
he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find
his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it wasa
fine & beautiful dry summer night), flicked the turn blinkers on and
off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights.
He then moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little
andthen remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the
otherpatrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in
theparking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you
toaccompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must
be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
DUI Tennessee style
LOL!
;D
Senior sex
A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's' office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says:
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
hehe
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15239501/ (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15239501/)
lol
Newest US Army recruiting hook?
Army Stoned
Quote from: Braddogg on October 13, 2006, 03:11 PM NHFT
Newest US Army recruiting hook?
Hey, they're Canuckians, eh? It's already legal for them.
Haha...I typed in "define sycophant" into a yahoo search to make sure I had the right spelling. It told me "Also try: George W. Bush".
Dawn sent these:
>> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
>>
>> MARIA: Here it is.
>>
>> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
>>
>> CLASS: Maria.
>> ____________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
the
>> floor?
>>
>> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
>> __________________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>>
>> GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
>>
>> TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
>>
>> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
spell
>> it.
>> ____________________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
>>
>> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
>>
>> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>>
>> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
>> __________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that
>> we
>> didn't have ten years ago.
>>
>> WINNIE: Me!
>> __________________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
>>
>> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you
>> are.
>> _______________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>>
>> MILLIE: I is...
>>
>> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
>>
>> MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of
the
>> alphabet."
>> _________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's
>> cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why
his
>> father didn't punish him?
>>
>> LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his
hand.
>> ______________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
>> before
>> eating?
>>
>> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
>> ______________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the
>> same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
>>
>> CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
>> ___________________________________
>>
>> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking
>> when people are no longer interested?
>>
>> HAROLD: A teacher
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 13, 2006, 02:00 PM NHFT
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15239501/ (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15239501/)
Oh that's rich!!!
I just love this part:
"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those (forests) did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action,"
Maybe we can embarrass the tyrants so much they'll crawl back in their holes. Humor is a powerful political tool!
NOTE: We think you can improve the "mileage" you get from these jokes if you don't send them out in one huge batch. Instead, send them out one at a time (preferably including the link at the end). Let them spread around the net for a while, and let people get used to the idea of these Homeland Security jokes rather gradually. The longer the time period over which you spread the sharing of these jokes, the longer they will be in the minds of those to whome you send them!
And, by all means ... send your Homeland Security Jokes to us right here!
Homeland Security Joke #1
by Kent B. Van Cleave
A woman went to the airport for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.
The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, "I'm sorry. You've got a problem here."
"Yes," she sighed. "It looks like I won't make this flight to Omaha."
"No," the guard explained. "This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #2
by Kent B. Van Cleave
The thorough search of all her belongings -- and her person -- finally brought the woman to a boil. "This is absolutely astonishing! You might as well be raping me!"
"I don't think so, Ma'am," replied the FAA security guard. "The most we're allowed to do is a nice slow cavity search."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #3
by Kent B. Van Cleave
A man waiting in line at airport security got a call on his cell phone. His frantic sister told him his father had just been hospitalized with an inoperable brain tumor. He wasn't expected to last longer than a day or two. "You've got to come right now so you can tell him goodbye," she insisted.
"I wish I could," the man sighed. "I am at the airport, and there is a flight out there that departs in a couple of hours. But I'm afraid it just won't work."
"What do you mean?" His sister sounded indignant. "It's your father, for heaven's sake!"
"That isn't it," he replied. "It's just that I only now got in line at airport security. I'll be lucky to make the funeral."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #4
by Kent B. Van Cleave
George W. Bush was bragging to Russian President Putin. "Our Homeland Security measures have been so effective that we are now terrorist-free!"
"Come, now, George," Putin laughed. "Surely you exaggerate!"
"No, not at all. I'll tell you what. The first three terrorists you see, you can shoot them yourself, and you can have my job to boot!"
The very next day on his way to fly home, Putin spotted four men holding a group of people at gunpoint, taking their belongings, making dire threats to all who offered resistance. The Russian president quickly put a stop to it as Bush had suggested.
The headline for the morning's Washington Post read, "Slavic Man Claims He's President, Shoots Four FAA Security Guards."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #5
by Kent B. Van Cleave
The long wait at airport security was tough on the five-year-old boy. To keep him from making a disturbance, his mother decided to distract him with a civics lesson.
"Johnny, do you know what's special about America?"
"No," he pouted.
"In America, everyone is free to do things, go places, own whatever they want ... anything except hurt other people."
Johnny looked ahead at the people being searched by the airport security guards, and nodded. "I think I want to go to America."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #6
by Kent B. Van Cleave
The U.S. Postal Service announced today that it was recalling the new FAA Security postage stamp.
People were spitting on the wrong side.
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #7
by Kent B. Van Cleave
A woman comes to a gynecologyst for a checkup. She seems to be very embarassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.
"Every time I fly these days," she giggles, "but never by a doctor!"
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #8
by Kent B. Van Cleave
Homeland Security Chief John Ashcroft dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter welcomes him and gestures him on through, but Ashcroft balks.
"Wait a minute. This gate sure looks unsecure. There could be terrorists in there!"
"Not to worry," Saint Peter reassures him. "God keeps all the terrorists out."
"One guard keeps them all out? I doubt it! Does he have a high school diploma?"
"No, but he does have knowledge beyond the doctorate level in every subject known to Man, and then some."
"Well, no matter. Many of our FAA guards don't have diplomas either. Has he moved from private sector employment to become a truly professional federal employee?"
"No, you might say he's self-employed."
"That tears it," Aschcroft steams. "I'm going to Hell where there's some serious professionalism!"
"Professionalism?" Saint Peter is aghast. "But that's where all the terrorists go!"
"True enough," replies Ashcroft, turning to go. "But they're vastly outnumbered by federal agents!"
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #9
by Kent B. Van Cleave
John Ascroft announced today that his Homeland Security team has implemented a flawless method of identifying terrorists at security checkpoints.
They call it "autopsy."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #10
by Kent B. Van Cleave
A man ran up to a policeman outside the local airport. "Help!" he cried. "A Swiss Army guard just stole my American FAA pocket knife!"
"You're mixed up," the cop smiled. "You must mean an American FAA guard stole your Swiss Army pocket knife."
Looking suspiciously both ways, the man whispered to the cop, "Just remember it was you who said it, not me!"
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #11
by Kent B. Van Cleave
An American traveling abroad was asked about life in the U.S. after September 11 and the resulting Homeland Security measures. "How do you deal with terrorist threats?"
"Today's terrorists just won't negotiate. Basically, you have to give them what they want. You wait in line forever, let them invade your privacy as much as they like, and hope they let you go on your way instead of throwing you in jail for carrying a toothpick or something."
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Homeland Security Joke #12
by Kent B. Van Cleave
A New York fireman, an American mother of three, and John Ashcroft are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Pacific Ocean. They all wash up on a desert island where, half drowned, the fireman spots a lamp in the sand. As soon as he touches it, a genie emerges in a cloud of smoke.
"I am the Genie of the Lamp," he intones. "Because you have released me, I will grant you each one wish."
The mother breaks into tears. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" she cries. "I just want to fly back home to my babies!"
"Very well," says the genie, and a pontoon plane appears by the shore, its pilot beckoning to her. Happily she runs off and climbs aboard.
"All I want," says the fireman, "is to return to my fire station in New York. People there rely on me to help them in times of trouble."
"Very well," intones the genie, and another plane pops out of nowhere to idle next to the first. The fireman runs out and climbs aboard.
"And what is your wish?" the genie asks John Ashcroft.
"Get those people back here. They haven't been properly searched!"
Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
There's a dozen to start you out. Have fun sharing them! And on we go....
Homeland Security Joke #13
by [we'll tell you in a moment....]
A kid is sitting on a department-store Santa's lap, and Santa decides to have a little fun.
"So, sonny," he says, "You may have heard about me. I know when you've been sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know when you've been bad or good, OK? So be good, for goodness' sake!"
The kid's eyes have been getting wider during this little speech, and finally he says, "Who ARE you? John Ashcroft?"
[Thanks to Dwayne Ball for submitting this joke, which was apparently told by John Ashcroft himself at a press conference! Immediately, a woman in the audience said, amidst the laughter, "Some people might not think that's so funny...."]
For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
Okay, those are funny.
Then they were depressing.
If people are joking about homeland security, then it means they've come to an acceptance of this ridiculous new reality.
Now I'm pissed off. :angryfire:
Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections from the Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54918?utm_source=onion_rss_daily (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54918?utm_source=onion_rss_daily)
QuoteWhile analysts had been predicting a possible sweep for months, and early exit-poll numbers seemed favorable, politicians reportedly exceeded even their own expectations, gaining an impressive 100 percent of the overall national vote.
Subject: Government card
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer.
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority
of the U.S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go
wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the
fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"
;D
here's your sign
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged:
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
For My Politically Correct Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,
my best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive,
gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
or secular practices of your choice, with respect for
the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great. Not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country nor the
only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the
wishee.
Cathleen
Subject: Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband's flagging libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not to fret,"replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."
"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"
"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her
nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
My parents enjoyed that one, too, Lloyd.
:biglaugh: :biglaugh: Irish Viagra.
Thank you for shopping Wall- Mart
One day, in line at the company
cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the comp uter lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
> The Painter
>
>
>
> There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny
where
> he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit
further.
>
> As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist
> Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest
buildings.
>
> Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
>
> So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying
> the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
>
> Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed,
> when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and
the
> rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and
knocking
> Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
> surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
>
> Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down
> on his knees and cried:
>
> "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
>
> And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
> (you're going to love this)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM
> Wisconsin ?
> ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A Wisconsin RADIO
> STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
>
> A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
> (with monthly payments of $560.00).
>
> He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin
> It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are
> frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their
> GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
>
> They decide they want to make a natural looking open
> water for the ducks to focus on, something for the
> decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice
> large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to
> take a little more power than the average drill
> auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new
> Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40
> second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
> they might slip on the ice while trying to run away
> after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along
> with the Navigator), decide on the following course
> of action:
>
> They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty
> thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away
> as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back
> when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the
> DOG...???
>
> Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
> used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the
> owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the
> ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
> dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as
> it hits the ice.
>
> The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms
> and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
> stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to
> stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his
> Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the
> shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
> with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
> Lab.
>
> The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then
> continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
> still standing, becomes really confused and of
> course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have
> gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER
> the brand new Navigator
> The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
> exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear
> end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck
> and takes off after his master.
>
>
> ! Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! !
> !
>
> The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom
> of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there
> with "I can't believe this just happened" look on
> their faces.
>
> The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in
> a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED
> by the policy. And he still had yet to make the
> first of those $560.00 a month payments.
>
> The dog is okay. . .doing fine.
http://webmail.aol.com/24019/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.15193538&folder=New+Mail&partId=2&saveAs=Cordless_Power_Wrench.wmv
That's the URL to your personal email, Lloyd. The rest of us can't see it.
Kool! maybe I'll get some interesting email ;D
BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along. Check your driver's license... Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was... picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same.....
Go to the website below and check it out. Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
<http://www.license.shorturl.com/
http://www.license.shorturl.com
http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp
Quote from: Russell Kanning on March 05, 2007, 03:26 AM NHFT
http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp
http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/
Quote from: error on March 05, 2007, 05:37 AM NHFT
Quote from: Russell Kanning on March 05, 2007, 03:26 AM NHFT
http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp
http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/
LOL, man you could not make stuff like this up. :)
one of the pastors at my old church in victorville, cal would play that exploding whale thing about once a year ... he just couldn't get over it.
Seen in a Cemetery
(http://mcanirlin.com/DSC_0515s.JPG)
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:
1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
5. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance you perform just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
I see Bozone catching on
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were riding bikes across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"!!!!!
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
(http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070408/lnq070409.gif)
This had me roaring (and it's so well done, I got confused at first and thought maybe it wasn't a joke): http://www.theonion.com/content/video/controversy_in_captivity
Subject: Ethics Question
>>
>>
>>This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
>>an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test
>>features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will
>>have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
>>spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
>>line.
>>
>>Answer honestly!!!
>>
>>You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
>>
>>There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
>>
>>This is a flood of biblical proportions.
>>
>>You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught
>>in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
>>
>>You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
>>swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
>>
>>Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
>>
>>Suddenly you see a woman in the water.
>>
>>She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
>>
>>You move closer.
>>
>>Somehow the woman looks familiar.
>>
>>You suddenly realize who it is.
>>
>>It's Hillary Clinton!
>>
>>At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her
>>under forever.
>>
>>You have two options-you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can
>>shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of
>>one o f the world's most powerful women.
>>_________________________________________
>>
>>So here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
>>Would you select high contrast color film, or
>>would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Color film... though more likely a digital camera. :-\
LOL cathleen!
Quote from: error on April 18, 2007, 08:30 AM NHFT
Color film... though more likely a digital camera. :-\
Unless there is Blood evident, I'm not sure I would go with color
Quote from: Russell Kanning on March 05, 2007, 03:26 AM NHFT
http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp
Quote
The guys decided to do that male bonding ritual of duck hunting.
You str8 guys sure come up with some complicated ways to bond. I know an easier way.
:blush:
Speak out against prohibition propoganda!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBrshcS3SXs&NR=1
Quote from: Kat Kanning on June 14, 2007, 05:18 PM NHFT
QuoteThen they tapered and detained Danny Riley
Duct tapered? Tasered?
Reminds me of a joke that I didn't want to taint the candlelight vigil thread with.
Why are turds tapered (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tapered) on one end?...
So your butt won't
SLAM shut!
Quote from: Braddogg on June 14, 2007, 01:27 AM NHFT
Quote from: error on June 13, 2007, 10:23 PM NHFT
The really sad thing about it is that it's frequently cheaper (http://www.homelandstupidity.us/2006/09/20/hospitals-not-taking-free-money-for-illegal-immigrants/) for hospitals to treat illegal immigrants who are unable to pay for free than to get reimbursed by the federal government for it. Yes, the government program is THAT BAD.
Hah! I'm shocked -- SHOCKED -- that the government would put out an unfunded mandate ;)
unfunded mandate: When two gay guys go out to dinner and they're both expecting the other guy to pay the bill.
Quote from: dalebert on June 15, 2007, 09:20 AM NHFT
Quote from: Braddogg on June 14, 2007, 01:27 AM NHFT
Quote from: error on June 13, 2007, 10:23 PM NHFT
The really sad thing about it is that it's frequently cheaper (http://www.homelandstupidity.us/2006/09/20/hospitals-not-taking-free-money-for-illegal-immigrants/) for hospitals to treat illegal immigrants who are unable to pay for free than to get reimbursed by the federal government for it. Yes, the government program is THAT BAD.
Hah! I'm shocked -- SHOCKED -- that the government would put out an unfunded mandate ;)
unfunded mandate: When two gay guys go out to dinner and they're both expecting the other guy to pay the bill.
:D
Via Bruce Schneier (http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2007/05/joke_thatll_get_1.html):
QuoteJoke That'll Get You Arrested
Don't say that I didn't warn you (http://blog.mylol.net/2007/02/10/if-you-are-sitting-next-to-someone-who-irritates-you-on-a-plane-or-train/):
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train...
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open your email client to this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf (http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf)
IT'S A JOKE!!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!
My mother sent me this one :D
Did you hear about the merger between Victoria Secret and Smith and Wesson? It's now called Titty Titty Bang Bang.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=1f4_1179038976
;D
Proving the truth of the adage "They wear numbers because you can't always identify the bodies with dental records"...
Rugby player had tooth in forehead for months
Australian suffered severe headaches but didn't know what problem was
BRISBANE, Australia - Rugby player Ben Czislowski kept competing for more than three months despite the headaches that started after a clash with an opponent.
Czislowski was playing for Brisbane team Wynnum during the April 1 incident involving Tweed Heads forward Matt Austin. He had a head wound stitched up afterward, the Australian Associated Press reported Tuesday.
Czislowski later suffered an eye infection and complained of lethargy and shooting pains in his head.
Then last week, his doctor found a tooth imbedded in Czislowski's head.
"I can laugh about it now, but the doctor told me it could have been serious, with teeth carrying germs," Czislowski said.
"I've got the tooth at home, sitting on the bedside table," he said. "If he (Austin) wants it back he can have it. I'm keeping it at the moment as proof that it actually happened."
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19806157/
(http://wiki.freetalklive.com/images/4/41/Gubment_sign.JPG)
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/omgwtfknockfirst.jpg)
Supposedly True Story: A California Highway Officer pulled over a new Porsche going 120 miles per hour down a barren stretch of California freeway. To his surprise, the driver greeted him enthusiastically. "I'm trying to join a Porsche club, and I have to get a ticket going at least 100 miles per hour," the driver explained. "I've been driving up and down California, trying to get pulled over!"
The officer gave him a ticket -- for 99 miles per hour.
:Bacon_by_danniep:
Lloyd, I can't see the picture. :-\
Lloyd, it appears you're trying to link to a file that's in your email account. It needs to be hosted in a public place to show up on the web.
I've been using FTL's wiki page for cartoons and stuph. You just need to save the file in a temp folder and then upload it to there. Then click on it and get the URL.
http://wiki.freetalklive.com
Try this:
http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/2007/08/the_aflac_scam.html
Aw that is so cute!
;D
(http://pics.livejournal.com/madmarty/pic/000sxzbe)
QuoteWhy don't you tax my tuna and buy it some drugs?!
That would require a Republican. ::)
Quote from: 41mag on September 09, 2007, 07:19 PM NHFT
QuoteWhy don't you tax my tuna and buy it some drugs?!
That would require a Republican. ::)
No a Republican would ban it. ;)
How to discredit your arresting officer...
An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me you stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims you don't have a drivers license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, you stole this car, and you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
lol
Quote from: CNHT on September 25, 2007, 04:03 PM NHFT
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
I love it!
*Jots down a note for future reference*
Hopefully the cop wasn't recording the initial conversation.
How many libertatians does it take to kill your buzz?
one ;D
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and
begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I loved it..... and I can't resist this...
It's a pity -- I have noticed that so many men 'have the equipment' but they don't know how (or when) to use it!
>:D >:D >:D
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
[attachment deleted by admin]
Thanks Sandy. My grandmother told me that one about 50 years ago ;D
Yeah... but I'll bet yer grandmother didn't attach a .jpg when she told it. :D
Quote from: Friday on October 03, 2007, 07:07 AM NHFT
Yeah... but I'll bet yer grandmother didn't attach a .jpg when she told it. :D
I often think about how my parents and my friends who have passed on would have gotten a kick out of Al Gore's internet. My grandmother would think it was Voodoo or some kind of payback for telling jokes about God.
Those of you not on despair.com's email list are missing out on some truly hilarious spam. Here's the latest:
The Blogosphere is exploding- like a self-replicating supervirus bursting with mundane observations, bad poetry, and generously misrepresentative photos. Never have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
"What can be done to stop it?",you ask, the alarm clearly palpable on your face.
"Don't look at me with that innocent expression. I know you have a blog, too!"
"But so does Despair!, you retort, your voice faltering.
"The difference is that people actually READ ours!" I deftly counter.
And, of course, when confronted with that most painful of truths, tears well up in your eyes. You feel the familiar burning cheeks, those very same cheeks that have for years betrayed your vulnerability as others less gentle than I tormented you. The tyrannical bully who gave you atomic wedgies in junior high. The fetching green-eyed linebacker or cheerleader in your Home Economics class. The indifferent boss who yawns every time you start talking about the novel you plan to one day finish.
Only the stoniest of hearts wouldn't be moved at the heart-rending spectacle you make of yourself in this moment of desperate frailty.
As I look at the sobbing sack of shoulders you become, the words well up in me, "Quiet you pencil-necked, Home EC taking wannabee novelist! Like I don't have my own problems to deal with!"
But I swallow those words before they are spoken. And instead, moved by a force larger than myself, I offer you a cloth with which to wipe your tears. At first, you shrink away, knowing me too well, expecting the final blow to be delivered and somehow knowing deeply within yourself that you probably deserve it. But there is no such blow, no back-handed smackdown. I only shrug and offer the kind of pitying look that you fantasize millions might offer you if they would only read your blog and got to know that most secret side of you that you... can't... stop...posting...onto...the Internet.
As you wipe the tears away, you feel something unfamiliar and alien on the cloth. A rubbery texture. You pull it away- seeing for the first time a screen-printed word.
You unfold it, the word becomes a phrase- the phrase becomes a joke, and the joke is on YOU!
MORE PEOPLE HAVE READ THIS SHIRT
THAN YOUR BLOG.
And now, oh the tears how the flow! One shirt proves not enough, and I hand you another, and then another, and with practiced fingers of a Classical Pianist, you reduce them all into your personal snotrags, blubbering away, desperate to escape to a computer, any computer, where you can recount yet another moment in another chapter of an impossibly inconsequential drama that you continue to foist upon the two regular readers of your blog who aren't you*.
Mustering as much dignity as is possible when unknowingly sporting a dried mucus plug in your left nostril, you state calmly, "I'm going home."
"I understand,"I reply,"There's something you need to do."
"Yes. There is. Goodbye."
And you run, faster even than your still-open right nostril does. Yet you are not so fast that my final words do not sting in your ears, "You know you gotta pay for those shirts!"
* FYI- one of those is the Technorati bot. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.
Despair.com really rocks! Truly subversive stuff; their de-motivational posters are phenomenal. I've been a dissatisfied customer for quite some time and have given them money for t-shirts, posters and coffee mugs. My personal favorite http://despair.com/mis24x30prin.html :D
New product coming out tomorrow from despair.com http://blog.despair.com/
Here's their t-shirt that's perfect for folks on this forum ;D http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/demotivators_1968_4647377
For all you cat lovers
[youtube=425,350]S8zDpBh7k-A[/youtube] AHAHAHAHAHAHA omg
Too funny! My cat has found a more effective means of waking me; licking and biting my nose. She can be very persistent!
Quote from: shyfrog on October 19, 2007, 07:38 PM NHFT
For all you cat lovers
Oh shit that's funny!
The artist really captured the personality of a cat. ;D
So, I go to Ian's to listen in on a little of the show last night and his cat's in "my" chair. I try to pet it, and it kind of bats at my hand and makes a weak attempt at biting. I finally give up and go sit in another chair. Soon as I sit down, the cat gets up and gets in my lap; let's me pet it for a while and acts really affectionate. Then all of a sudden pulls my hand close with its' paws and bites the crap outta me.
Cats- I love 'em but they're freakin' psycho.
:)
Pat's girlfriend, Alice, used to do that to me, but, hasn't for a while.
My cat Ezme has found that, when a gentle bitchslap to the face doesn't work, taking a few strands of my hair in her teeth and ripping them out of my scalp is an effective means of waking me up. My kitten Thomas, who just pulled the classic kittenish prank of pulling half a roll of perfectly good toilet paper across the apartment, prefers to pretend that my foot is a mouse, leap on it, and sink his teeth into it. This is EXTREMELY effective at getting me to not only wake up, but to shout, fling him out of the bedroom, and shut the door. But just shutting the door doesn't work, because both cats try to dig their way back in through the carpet... so lately I've taken to baricading the door with my Fender Precision-in-hardcase, propped up with a 36-roll case of Costco TP so they don't just knock the bass over and resume the digging.
Um, yeah... I haven't been sleeping well lately. :coffee: :icon_cat:
Screw this. I'm getting a pet rat. ;D
I think you meant to type a c instead of an r :icon_pirat:
Dale-lexia
Crayon Shin-chan, my avatar:
[youtube=425,350]f311XTtqPgc[/youtube]
Quote from: shyfrog on October 21, 2007, 09:26 AM NHFT
I think you meant to type a c instead of an r :icon_pirat:
Nope. I typed it right. ;D
How can you not like these guys? And you don't have to worry about them waking you up in the morning.
[youtube=425,350]C0kxmfSGCaE[/youtube]
http://youtube.com/watch?v=C0kxmfSGCaE
[youtube=425,350]ieAmdixoJ4w[/youtube]
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ieAmdixoJ4w
[youtube=425,350]r6Teurmfz1I[/youtube]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6Teurmfz1I
More rat fun:
[youtube=425,350]xqgoJt7W8RM[/youtube]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqgoJt7W8RM
[youtube=425,350]JtbjM2o41Hw[/youtube]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtbjM2o41Hw
I love rats! :love4: I've had several. But they have short life spans (2 - 3 years), and it's so depressing when they die.
Rats are cool pets. We recently lost a hairless dumbo rat. She was young, but she just died unexpectedly. :(
As for Dale's first video: anyone who doesn't know animals can laugh, has never spent time with a ferret. ;D
Quote from: dalebert on October 22, 2007, 09:16 AM NHFT
Quote from: shyfrog on October 21, 2007, 09:26 AM NHFT
I think you meant to type a c instead of an r :icon_pirat:
Nope. I typed it right. ;D
How can you not like these guys? And you don't have to worry about them waking you up in the morning.
And don't forget about one of the more famous pet rats: Scabbers! ;D
Quote from: 41mag on October 22, 2007, 05:37 PM NHFT
And don't forget about one of the more famous pet rats: Scabbers! ;D
Oh dear. I hope my new pet rat isn't actually an evil wizard who hate muggles!
(http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r208/AshFooYoung/ronpaullolcat.jpg)
Where the heck are all the lolcats, anyways?
For the database gurus here:
i iz in ur chair
eatin ur crumz
Santa slides down the chimney and is taking presents out of his bag and placing them under the tree.
"Ahem" he hears and turns to see a very attractive young lady, in a negligee, lying on a couch.
"'Spose you could stay a while, Santa?"
Clearing his throat, "Ho Ho Ho, got to go......lots of toy for girls and boys"
She stands with the light behind her, "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while, Santa?"
Breaking voice, "Ho ho ho....got to go....lots of toys for girls and boys..."
She reaches behind her back and the negligee falls to the floor, "Are ya sure,Santa?"
Dropping is bag, "Hey hey hey! May as well stay, can't get up the chimney, this way!"
Lloyd must have made that one up.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 18, 2007, 08:47 AM NHFT
Dropping is bag, "Hey hey hey! May as well stay, can't get up the chimney, this way!"
Speaking from personal experience Lloyd? ;D
Just the thought of sliding in and out of chimneys excites me :P
Quote from: Kat Kanning on November 18, 2007, 08:54 AM NHFT
Lloyd must have made that one up.
That joke's older than I am. I suspect Lloyd personally witnessed it.
Yes, in the old days I followed Santa picking up his slack
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 18, 2007, 02:04 PM NHFT
Yes, in the old days I followed Santa picking up his slack
I totally misread that the first time and thought you were picking up his SACK which in the case of this thread could have one of two meanings. :o
Here are some other good ones...
Why does Ron Paul support the Constitution?
He remembers when it was signed.
The Congress Majority Leader, Minority Leader, and Ron Paul walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys look sad. What's the problem?"
The Majority Leader says, "I'm under inditement for laundering money."
The Minority Leader says, "I'm under inditement for taking corporate bribes."
Ron Paul says, "I'm poor."
Why is Ron Paul in such good health at his age?
He has a strong Constitution.
Why didn't Ron Paul ever go to work while he was a Congressman?
He actually read the first sentence in the Bill of Rights, "Congress shall pass no law." That being the case, he went home.
What did former Vice President Dick Cheney say to President Elect Ron Paul when he bumped into him at the Inauguration Ball?
Pardon me.
After serving his last day of his second term as President of the United States, Ron Paul dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter asks him, "What have you done in order to get into heaven?"
Ron Paul says, "Well I've restored the greatest republic on earth."
"Brought millions out of the grip of poverty."
"Established peace among nations."
"And prevented all out global nuclear war."
And St. Peter says, "No, I mean lately."
LOL, those are good ones :D
A friend sent me this joke ages ago, and I came across it again today...
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
This is how my Thanksgiving morning went yesterday.
My Sister's dog insits I get up at the ridiculous time of 7am.
(I am House and dog sitting)
I find I cannot get back to sleep even though I only slept
4 hours. So I wash up get dressed make coffee.
Look out window see paper has arrived.
Go out to get paper, an older man is walking what appears to be
small white dog, though it could have been a large Rat.
I say good morning, Happy Thanksgiving!
He says have you thanked Jesus?
( inappropriate thoughts pop into head, just smile and go inside Pat I think)
He says will you be thanking Jesus later?
Not being able to stop myself.
I say, you know I tried to thank Jesus, but he never answers the phone.
You always just get that same old recording on the answering machine.
Hello this is Jesus I cant come to the phone right now cause I'm hanging from a cross.
If you leave your name and number I will get back to you,
as soon as I am done bleeding for your sins.
He walks away mumbling some thing that does not sound very loving.
I go inside to read paper and drink coffee hoping my sister does not come home to some church group picketing the house.
Damn Pat you are the King of the Comeback. ;D 8)
Is that a true story?
Quote from: Kat Kanning on November 25, 2007, 06:35 AM NHFT
Is that a true story?
Yes it is. ( I stole um borrowed the ah cadence of telling it from
Sandy's blog entries, I like to steal from the best. ;D)
Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.
Childproof ... Isn't (http://www.corneredcat.com/Kids/childproofisnt.aspx)
(Or, the things 5 little boys taught me)
By Kathy Jackson
If you dump an entire container of bubblebath into the upstairs sink, a little at a time, while running the water full blast, bubbles will come out of every other drain in the house.
Sword-fighting with vacuum cleaner parts almost always results in broken windows.
So does playing baseball.
If you tell your kids to play baseball only on the 'safe' side of the house, they'll manage to break a window anyway.
Always, always, always empty their pockets before you put their clothes into the wash.
Better yet, have them do it.
Frogs do not like washing machines.
Or dryers.
When a 3 year old wants to know how long a roll of toilet paper is, he will lean as far out of the upstairs window as he can to unroll it.
The neighbors will call if they see a small child apparently about to fall out of an upstairs window.
Twice.
Did I mention childproof locks aren't?
There is no such thing as a child old enough to know better.
Dialing 9-1-1 and then hanging up almost always results in a visit from Officer Friendly.
Dialing 9-1-1, yelling, "Help! Help! Everyone hates me!" and then hanging up results in a visit from Officer Unfriendly.
Scissors should never be allowed in the same house as 4 year olds.
If you use the scissors to cut the cord to the radio while the radio is plugged in, it makes a really cool, loud popping noise.
And it melts a hole right through the metal part of the scissors, too.
Childproof locks ... aren't.
Childproof gates ... aren't.
Childproof ... isn't.
If your big brother has a twenty-gallon aquarium in his upstairs bedroom, you can take the end of the tubing out of the tank and watch the water pump out onto the floor.
Nineteen and three-quarters gallons is a lot of water.
Fish can look worried.
(Who knew...?)
Aquarium water that has soaked through the upstairs floor onto the ceiling below looks remarkably like someone peed on the ceiling.
If you report to your mom that someone peed on the downstairs ceiling, she probably won't panic immediately. This is because she doesn't believe you.
A carpet that has had nineteen and three-quarters gallons of aquarium water spilled on it never smells quite the same afterward.
Dishwasher soap isn't good for you and doesn't taste good, but toddlers like it anyway.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Tums aren't poisonous, but it's not a good idea to eat the whole bottle at once.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Philodendron leaves aren't really good for you and don't taste good, but toddlers will eat them anyway.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Nobody in his right mind would eat a handful of ladybugs.
A two-year-old boy cannot be said to be in his right mind.
If you call the Poison Control Center often enough, the nice lady will remember you.
You can get your four-year-old brother to try to take his bike over the bicycle ramp you just built if you talk fast enough. He really wants to, anyway.
A bright red goose egg on your little brother's elbow looks remarkably like a broken arm.
If you stand in the middle of the garden and throw dirt clods up in the air as hard as you can so that when they come down you can break them with your head, eventually you will get one with a rock in it.
Head wounds bleed.
A lot.
It is a miracle that any male child lives to adulthood
LOL :D
Quote from: Pat McCotter on December 04, 2007, 04:32 AM NHFT
It is a miracle that any male child lives to adulthood
I resemble that remark!
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. >:D
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. ::lloyds::
:D
;D
Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.
Quote from: Pat K on December 05, 2007, 07:33 PM NHFT
;D
Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.
Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills? You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you? That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills. :D
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 05, 2007, 09:33 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 05, 2007, 07:33 PM NHFT
;D
Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.
Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills? You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you? That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills. :D
Well from reading Sandy's own words,
it is to be reasoned that she is frequently
navigational challenged.
As for the rest of your post,
you best hope she finds it
funny. For the wrath of the
Berzerker Babe is swift and merciless.
Quote from: Pat K on December 05, 2007, 10:05 PM NHFT
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 05, 2007, 09:33 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 05, 2007, 07:33 PM NHFT
;D
Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.
Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills? You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you? That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills. :D
Well from reading Sandy's own words,
it is to be reasoned that she is frequently
navigational challenged.
As for the rest of your post,
you best hope she finds it
funny. For the wrath of the
Berzerker Babe is swift and merciless.
If she doesn't find it funny why would you go nuts? ;D
? are you drinking alot of frosty brews?
Quote from: Pat K on December 05, 2007, 10:53 PM NHFT
? are you drinking alot of frosty brews?
No, I'm not. :(
Well then I must be, cause your post made no sense to me.
Aaa...I'm sorry Pat. This is really embarrassing for me to have to explain myself in front of you.
I thought you was the Berzerker Babe, so if Sandy didn't like my post you would be mad. I didn't know your pet name for her was Berzerker Babe. So once again I apologize.
I apologize to Sandy too. When I wrote, "That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills.", I meant that, Sandy is to smart to fall for the old map trick. :blush:
O-K, But I believe it was Lloyd who tagged her with the
name Berzerker Babe.
She named herself. I mistakenly added her to a group of Berzerker women.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 06, 2007, 05:55 AM NHFT
She named herself. I mistakenly added her to a group of Berzerker women.
Very well, let it be recorded as such
in the offical record.
I didn't want to get involved in this off-topic discussion of navigational skills/pants/anger management, but I do want to point out that I did *not* name myself "Beserker Babe". I changed my handle to beserker for a while, and somebody else, I think Lloyd, started referring to me as bb. I don't want people to think I'm that full of myself. Only half full. OK, maybe 3/5ths. :D
O-K strike the first entry and record the lady Sandy s
words into the official record.
OK, so is there a conspiracy to keep Lloyd's karma at 666? I know I have applauded him MANY times since I first noticed it was 666. Is Lloyd the Anti-Christ?
>:D
Quote from: dalebert on December 06, 2007, 08:49 AM NHFT
OK, so is there a conspiracy to keep Lloyd's karma at 666?
He's very Tunga-esque.
I got connections!...................apparently
Quote from: dalebert on December 06, 2007, 08:49 AM NHFT
OK, so is there a conspiracy to keep Lloyd's karma at 666? I know I have applauded him MANY times since I first noticed it was 666. Is Lloyd the Anti-Christ?
>:D
Well, the definition of a conspiracy is "An agreement, manifesting itself in words or deeds, by which two or more persons confederate to do an act" I help to smite or applaud Lloyd if I see that his karma isn't where it is supposed to be; there must be others doing so as well, so yes--there is probably a "conspiracy" :)
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2134/2086934736_94e0720871.jpg)
This was posted by Francois Tremblay over at Simply Anarchy (http://www.simplyanarchy.com/).
That sounds like the entirety of the "Immoral Dead end thread." Both sides.
Quote from: dalebert on December 06, 2007, 08:49 AM NHFT
OK, so is there a conspiracy to keep Lloyd's karma at 666? I know I have applauded him MANY times since I first noticed it was 666. Is Lloyd the Anti-Christ?
>:D
Yes, there is a conspiracy. I have to keep smiting him ;D
Damn! Had Dale worried there.
The AFLAC Scam:
Watch out for this scam.
Police say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness , the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.
The picture below was taken from CCTV shows the gang in operation.
Hey I think thats the AFLAC duck!!
English translation of Indian song.
[youtube=425,350]bLpROhIg9eA[/youtube]
;D ...butterhead... ;D
Mr. Puke, you have built a bridge between the english and hindi languages, :hug45:
and it has collapsed. :sad1:
Quote from: Pat K on December 09, 2007, 06:52 PM NHFT
Hey I think thats the AFLAC duck!!
What gave you the clue? The title under the image?
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 06:06 AM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 09, 2007, 06:52 PM NHFT
Hey I think thats the AFLAC duck!!
What gave you the clue? The title under the image?
LOL damn I am blind, don't ever let me be point man!
No! You'll always be my Pointman. Being an effective shield makes up for any lack of powers of observation ;D
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 06:50 AM NHFT
No! You'll always be my Pointman. Being an effective shield makes up for any lack of powers of observation ;D
I am blind but much quicker than I look.
I drop down quick, in that case gravity is my friend.
But, you can only drop so far
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 08:22 AM NHFT
But, you can only drop so far
Well it will be low enough to make you a better target.
Two strangers were out backpacking in the woods. They came upon each other and decided to walk the next bit together. Around a bend in the trail they came face to face with a bear. One stranger drops to his knee, fetches his running shoes from his backpack and begins the removing his hiking boots. The other stranger just stares and says, "There is no way you can run faster than that bear."
The kneeling stranger stands up and replies, "I don't have to be faster than the bear. I only have to be faster than you."
While your changing your shoes, I'll be running.
Oh ya...I know that bear, he likes eating people with soft shoes. ;)
No one's catching twinkle toes ;)
Two FSPers are walking in the woods.
They come upon a Bear. They both
bring up their guns. They begin to argue
as to who has the best gun-ammo combo to dispatch
the Bear the swiftest, the Bear dies of boredom.
Quote from: Pat K on December 10, 2007, 06:20 PM NHFT
Two FSPers are walking in the woods.
They come upon a Bear. They both
bring up their guns. They begin to argue
as to who has the best gun-ammo combo to dispatch
the Bear the swiftest, the Bear dies of boredom.
Brilliant!
;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Pat K on December 10, 2007, 08:23 AM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 08:22 AM NHFT
But, you can only drop so far
Well it will be low enough to make you a better target.
If you had been paying attention and looked behind you, you would have realized I was no longer there ;D
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 10:48 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 10, 2007, 08:23 AM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 10, 2007, 08:22 AM NHFT
But, you can only drop so far
Well it will be low enough to make you a better target.
If you had been paying attention and looked behind you, you would have realized I was no longer there ;D
Ya sure, just like a ninja. ::)
No! Like a coward!
LOL PatK!
Pat :laughing4:
How right you are.
Quote from: Eli on December 07, 2007, 01:29 PM NHFT
That sounds like the entirety of the "Immoral Dead end thread." Both sides.
there are more than 2 sides ... it is complicated ... might even involve a conspiracy
Quote from: Pat K on December 10, 2007, 06:20 PM NHFT
Two FSPers are walking in the woods.
They come upon a Bear. They both
bring up their guns. They begin to argue
as to who has the best gun-ammo combo to dispatch
the Bear the swiftest, the Bear dies of boredom.
or
neither has a gun with them ... because they are waiting for government paperwork to go through
or they haven't found the perfect gun
or they donated it to the LSFund
the committee has not decided on a caliber so they can share ammo
they used all the ammo at the gun range
their guns are in the shop being modified
the government came to their house and already collected them
so when you see me smirking at the next fsp meeting ... you know I am overhearing another gun cleaner story
;D
Just for that I'm considering packing around you all of the time. I'm gonna pack a pistol that: Never had any paperwork. Has been perfect for me all the times I never had to use it. In a caliber I long ago decided upon. Never donated to the LSF. Never took to a range. Have plenty of ammo for. Was modified 30 years ago. The government has not collected.
I'm gonna start packing it right away!
Just as soon as I find the perfect holster
preach it brother
Quote from: Russell Kanning on December 12, 2007, 01:10 AM NHFT
Quote from: Eli on December 07, 2007, 01:29 PM NHFT
That sounds like the entirety of the "Immoral Dead end thread." Both sides.
there are more than 2 sides ... it is complicated ... might even involve a conspiracy
Alright I'll amend to all sides. I won't exclude my 'side' either.
Hey Pat K, did this hurt?
(//)
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 17, 2007, 03:13 PM NHFT
Hey Pat K, did this hurt?
(//)
Just later, when I fell off the gold cans.
Whoa, I'm kind of glad about that. I thought the cans where permanently installed. ;D
Yesterday my sister threw a brunch and invited about a dozen people to celebrate my birthday. Everybody came in spite of the freezing rain/sleet/snow we were experiencing. A couple of friends from my teens came with their wives. One of the guys, Ron had some funny stories, but, the best one was just before he left.
He was having trouble with his 'cellphone'. It worked fine inside the house, but, when he went outside there was no reception. He showed it to his wife. "Look it works fine here, but, when I go outside it doesn't work!" She agreed.
He took it to his provider and explained the problem to the clerk. "Are you serious?" asked the clerk. "Yes!" said Ron.
"Its the handset to your home wireless phone" said the clerk handing it back to him.
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL !
Tech support
The new anti-piracy add is pretty accurate as to how bad it might get.
[youtube=425,350]MTbX1aMajow[/youtube]
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/zergoth/DVDrewinder.jpg)
I've got to get me one of those!
I wonder if it works on CD's too?
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/zergoth/int.jpg)
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/zergoth/CaptKirk.jpg)
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/zergoth/creativity.jpg)
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 17, 2007, 05:10 PM NHFT
He took it to his provider and explained the problem to the clerk. "Are you serious?" asked the clerk. "Yes!" said Ron.
"Its the handset to your home wireless phone" said the clerk handing it back to him.
I guess he needed a stronger signal .... or if he kept walking he might get coverage from other houses.
My kids and I would listen to my exwife's phone calls on our walkietalkies .... or interrupt them I guess. :)
Quote from: Puke on December 27, 2007, 09:08 PM NHFTI've got to get me one of those!
I wonder if it works on CD's too?
There's an adapter. It's only $2.99 extra (plus $14.99 shipping and handling).
Joe
Quote from: Puke on December 27, 2007, 08:20 PM NHFT
[youtube=425,350]MTbX1aMajow[/youtube]
I wouldn't? These people don't know me.
;)
Terrifying discover about Nixon! ;D
http://ZombieNixon.ytmnd.com/ (http://zombienixon.ytmnd.com/)
I went to a well known school of broadcasting. I was going to be the Rush Limbough of libertarianism. Didn't work out, but, I learned a lot and use what I learned often.
The above reminded me of one of my proposed 'lead-in's' to the show. It was presented as a newscast something like this:
"This morning a man was found on the grounds of The Richard Nixon Library near the grave of the former president. Found carrying a shovel and a wooden stake, the man was delirious, muttering, "I must make sure he is gone". He was later identified, by missing fingers and tattoos as Libertarian talk Show Host..........................Lloyd Danforth!"
Another one was: "And now, a man who has been frisked more than a Thousand Times........................Lloyd Danforth!"
You need t be 'full of yourself' in that business ;D
Quote from: Puke on December 29, 2007, 11:38 AM NHFT
Terrifying discover about Nixon! ;D
http://ZombieNixon.ytmnd.com/ (http://zombienixon.ytmnd.com/)
:o ;D
The Count likes what?!
[youtube=425,350]6AXPnH0C9UA[/youtube]
An eighties icon, reborn. ;D ;D ;D Alvin, Simon, Theodore, to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC0NRODhfVs&feature=bz303
Death to snow demons!
[youtube=425,350]9HilQZ_wy4Y[/youtube]
Boilerman looks suspiciously like another superhero
Does Boilerman have a friend named Sun?
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 30, 2007, 06:33 PM NHFT
Boilerman looks suspiciously like another superhero
Boilerman looks a lot like Clark. I don't think Clark is a super hero.
Shouldn't there be a 'B' on Boilermans chest... unless it stands for steam... but, then I think he should be Steam Man... "Steam'n Mad at Snow"... But, then he would be a big flying steamer... and his arch enemy would be Fan Man and then The Big Flying Steamer could really hit the Fan.
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 30, 2007, 07:57 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 30, 2007, 06:33 PM NHFT
Boilerman looks suspiciously like another superhero
Boilerman looks a lot like Clark. I don't think Clark is a super hero.
Shouldn't there be a 'B' on Boilermans chest... unless it stands for steam... but, then I think he should be Steam Man... "Steam'n Made at Snow"... But, then he would be a big flying steamer... and his arch enemy would be Fan Man and then The Big Flying Steamer could really hit the Fan.
Jim do you read a lot of Faulkner?
Quote from: Pat K on December 30, 2007, 08:16 PM NHFT
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 30, 2007, 07:57 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 30, 2007, 06:33 PM NHFT
Boilerman looks suspiciously like another superhero
Boilerman looks a lot like Clark. I don't think Clark is a super hero.
Shouldn't there be a 'B' on Boilermans chest... unless it stands for steam... but, then I think he should be Steam Man... "Steam'n Mad at Snow"... But, then he would be a big flying steamer... and his arch enemy would be Fan Man and then The Big Flying Steamer could really hit the Fan.
Jim do you read a lot of Faulkner?
No. Is that good or bad?
Who is Faulkner?
Do you want to play Boilerman in the movie or Steamer? No capes!
Your stream of consciousness writing just made me wonder.
I will just make a cameo appearance.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only."
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside"
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thin"...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin". Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the Third floor, where the sign read "All the men here have it short and thick".
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick". The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing, they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read,
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman".
Nice.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh God, Oh my God."
<a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/poll_bullshit_is_most_important?utm_source=embedded_video">Poll: Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters</a>
Summary of the 2008 election front runners:
A bunch of Bellybuttons running on Bull shit. ;D
Quote from: porcupine kate on January 10, 2008, 07:07 PM NHFT
Summary of the 2008 election front runners:
A bunch of Bellybuttons running on Bull shit. ;D
:clapping:
New word:
Electile Dysfunction
The inability to become aroused
over any of the choices for president
put forth by either party
in the 2008 election year.
Experiencing a little Tumescence for Ron Paul
Man Lloyd, that's something I'd keep to myself. :o
Quote from: Kat Kanning on January 22, 2008, 09:41 AM NHFT
New word:
Electile Dysfunction
The inability to become aroused
over any of the choices for president
put forth by either party
in the 2008 election year.
PLEASE! Pardon the off-color remarks:
Isn't that the mirror image of the Non-Voter who says "Fuck all of them!"
Why did the orange cross the ocean?
It was a naval orange.
Dairy producing strategies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, [old-fashioned and no-longer-practiced] AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
:mf_farmer: :sheep:
Ceiling in smokers lounge
(http://webmail.aol.com/35874/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.18772539&folder=NewMail&partId=2)
World's worst auction item description.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=170217391493&Category=25391&_trksid=p3907.m29
Quote from: Tres on May 09, 2008, 01:55 AM NHFT
World's worst auction item description.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=170217391493&Category=25391&_trksid=p3907.m29
;D LOL
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef. ;D
Quote from: Tres on May 09, 2008, 01:55 AM NHFT
World's worst auction item description.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=170217391493&Category=25391&_trksid=p3907.m29
Darn! Can't go that shipping charge!
Quote from: Pat K on May 09, 2008, 01:57 AM NHFT
Quote from: Tres on May 09, 2008, 01:55 AM NHFT
World's worst auction item description.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=170217391493&Category=25391&_trksid=p3907.m29
;D LOL
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef. ;D
And, of course we
all know what to call a field full of masturbating cattle
No
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on May 09, 2008, 06:21 AM NHFT
And, of course we all know what to call a field full of masturbating cattle
Beef Stroganoff?
Easy BS receipe:
Saute a large onion or two and two cloves or more of garlic until golden. Put aside.
Brown a pound of chopped beef or turkey, add in onion mixture.
Stir in one can of either cream of mushroom or chicken soup.
Simmer for 15 minutes or so.
Add 1 cup of sour cream and keep on low for 5 or 10 minutes.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
I actually laughed at that long one.
Searching around youtube for monks I found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E25ebRjx8w0&feature=related
Apocalyptic Exercises
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiQOfntYZjc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiQOfntYZjc)
By the way, in case anyone's interested, the author of this new book Apocalypse How: Turn the End-Times into the Best of Times! is doing a signing in Boston next week:
BOSTON, MA – May 20th
Pandemonium Books – 7pm – Tel: (617) 547–3721
4 Pleasant St, Cambridge, MA
May 29th in case it changes
http://www.comics.com/comics/soup2nutz/
;D
The greatest American hero
G.I. Joe is there
G.I. Joeeeeeeeeeee!
Why'd they kill a squirrel?
Being GI Joes, I'd guess they thought the squirrel was after their very huge and masculine nuts.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a fruit.
When escapism just doesn't go far enough... WORLD OF WORLD OF WARCRAFT
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/warcraft_sequel_lets_gamers_play (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/warcraft_sequel_lets_gamers_play)
Quote from: Friday on June 22, 2008, 07:27 AM NHFT
When escapism just doesn't go far enough... WORLD OF WORLD OF WARCRAFT
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/warcraft_sequel_lets_gamers_play (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/warcraft_sequel_lets_gamers_play)
LOL thats great.
<---- Recovering WoW Addict.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W91sqAs-_-g
Quote from: JJ on June 22, 2008, 08:42 AM NHFT
<---- Recovering WoW Addict.
Ugh, me too. I never got as bad as I was with Everquest for a short while though. I guess I learned from that experience so I wouldn't repeat it.
<--- Nerd
Quote from: dalebert on June 23, 2008, 08:07 AM NHFT
Quote from: JJ on June 22, 2008, 08:42 AM NHFT
<---- Recovering WoW Addict.
Ugh, me too. I never got as bad as I was with Everquest for a short while though. I guess I learned from that experience so I wouldn't repeat it.
<--- Nerd
Ya for me it was a 6 month span of uber geekdom, thankfully the Metal Band provided enough anti-geek to prevent me from fully embracing the dark side, er ... dork side.
Pleasegodmakeitstop. :crybaby2:
Quote from: dalebert on June 23, 2008, 08:07 AM NHFT
Quote from: JJ on June 22, 2008, 08:42 AM NHFT
<---- Recovering WoW Addict.
Ugh, me too. I never got as bad as I was with Everquest for a short while though. I guess I learned from that experience so I wouldn't repeat it.
<--- Nerd
I've had two people tell me Everquest is "like crack". I own it, and WoW, but have never hit bottom and actually stuck either of the CDs in my computer. Besides, I have a couple dozen Oblivion (http://www.elderscrolls.com/games/oblivion_overview.htm) gates that still need to be closed first. :blush:
what a strange world those games must be ... I can't get into them
O-K that was just unpleasant.
Zen Truths
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you 're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
Quote from: Friday on June 26, 2008, 07:14 AM NHFT
Zen Truths
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I especially liked these ones ;D
Quote from: Friday on June 26, 2008, 07:14 AM NHFT
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Nick told me an interesting version of this one at last year's Porcfest.
Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
Quote from: Friday on June 26, 2008, 07:14 AM NHFT
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
Not normally into potty humor, but this was funny.
My favorites are #1, 5, 11 and 13.
Quote from: dalebert on June 26, 2008, 11:23 AM NHFT
Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
:laughing1:
The whole thing is good but 1:55 into it
tells about teaching a man to fish.
:-\
(http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/08/images/050830_gas_prices.jpg)
(http://earthfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/omg-gasprices.jpg)
(http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii261/funkbutter/graphics/Funny/funny_gas_prices.jpg)
Quote from: Friday on June 23, 2008, 05:36 PM NHFT
Quote from: dalebert on June 23, 2008, 08:07 AM NHFT
Quote from: JJ on June 22, 2008, 08:42 AM NHFT
<---- Recovering WoW Addict.
Ugh, me too. I never got as bad as I was with Everquest for a short while though. I guess I learned from that experience so I wouldn't repeat it.
<--- Nerd
I've had two people tell me Everquest is "like crack". I own it, and WoW, but have never hit bottom and actually stuck either of the CDs in my computer. Besides, I have a couple dozen Oblivion (http://www.elderscrolls.com/games/oblivion_overview.htm) gates that still need to be closed first. :blush:
I love Oblivion, even after beating the main quest the game still hasn't gotten old.
I just had an Everquest flashback yesterday....got that old urge to shoot up play. :o
Here's a "free" MMORPG, but beware. While you can play for free, I think they try to coax you into buying things to enhance the experience. If you trust yourself though, at least you can try it out for nothing. Diabolical.
http://www.perfectworld.com.my/register/
Here's a little video from game play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLZ6C3BYamo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
;D
(http://www.retrocomputing.net/racconti/umor/coniglio/2_020000.jpg)
More Suicide Bunnies (http://www.retrocomputing.net/racconti/umor/coniglio/pandora.beptuui.html)
Damn, I have been known to mess with
cold callers but that guy is good. ;D
Suicide Bunnies, oh sick but funny.
This here's the Mantage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvltzwkUEEA
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/indecision.png) (http://xkcd.com/330/)
OK, now you guys know about the rule so don't play dumb the next time I bring it up!
Quote from: dalebert on July 08, 2008, 12:50 PM NHFT
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/indecision.png) (http://xkcd.com/330/)
:o Zoiks!
Is there a corollary to this rule about if you spend more than 60 minutes alone trying to decide what to do? :icon_pirat:
Quote from: Friday on July 08, 2008, 02:35 PM NHFT
Is there a corollary to this rule about if you spend more than 60 minutes alone trying to decide what to do? :icon_pirat:
I thought that one was obvious.
I will keep a list on hand of ideas ... just so I can always beat the 60min deadline
I don't belive you can stop any of the folks we
hang out with from spouting off an idea about what to do for 10
minutes! Never mind 60.
Man, we all stood around trying to decide what to do while we had the "gang" together after the Russell court thing the other morning. It could have gotten ugly if we'd gone over the 60 mins limit! :o
There are some Bunnies you don't mess with.
Quote from: 'Friday'Is there a corollary to this rule about if you spend more than 60 minutes alone trying to decide what to do?
Tease...
Quote from: Pat K on July 08, 2008, 10:43 PM NHFT
There are some Bunnies you don't mess with.
:rofl: quite possibly my all-time favorite movie scene; my stomach hurts from laughing
the George W. Bush Presidential Library
The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you
to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.
The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.
Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. (Once he is done with Microsoft. He will join Oracle)
Wow... the JibJab lads have outdone themselves. Check out Election 2008. ;D
http://www.jibjab.com/ (http://www.jibjab.com/)
Quote from: dalebert on July 08, 2008, 12:50 PM NHFT
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/indecision.png) (http://xkcd.com/330/)
OK, now you guys know about the rule so don't play dumb the next time I bring it up!
I guess there's something to be said for having mostly female friends!!! ;D
She can't be any more vapid and unprincipled than the other options...
Paris Hilton for President of the United States of Amerika
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d)
Quote from: Friday on August 06, 2008, 06:42 AM NHFT
She can't be any more vapid and unprincipled than the other options...
Paris Hilton for President of the United States of Amerika
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d)
She's so much more sensible than the other candidates. I respect her but... I love to watch her strut. :D
On the off chance that anyone hasn't already seen this:
Sarah Silverman wants you to know that she's !@#$ing Matt Damon!
NSFW
It looks like since that was released she's not F%#@*&ing the other guy any more.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 08, 2008, 08:04 AM NHFT
It looks like since that was released she's not F%#@*&ing the other guy any more.
Probably cuz she found who
he was @#$%ing...
Victor Borge - Inflationary Language
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YY6kElOYcd8
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/madness.jpg)
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 14, 2008, 06:59 AM NHFT
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/madness.jpg)
I have a really big head so...
(http://img393.imageshack.us/img393/4548/pmqz5.jpg)
(http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/6079/cussinza3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/6126/cussin1um9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Good Cop Bad Cop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VwAf6KWmT4
Quote from: dalebert on July 07, 2008, 08:50 AM NHFT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:
Brilliant! I loved it, thanks for posting this Dalebert!
.
Politicians in Hell
===============================================
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we''re not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I''d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we''ll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I''ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I''m sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing
in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had
worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it''s time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you''ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he''s in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder."I
don''t understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there''s just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning. ..... Today you voted."
Cowboy and the Yuppie
=======================================
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ''If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?''
Bud looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ''Sure, Why not?''
The yuppie parks his car , whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.''
''That''s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,'' says
Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, ''Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?''
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ''Okay, why not?''
''You''re a Congressman for the U.S. Government'', says Bud.
''Wow! That''s correct, '' says the yuppie, ''but how did you guess
that?''
''No guessing required..'' answered the cowboy. ''You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don''t know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!!!
Quote from: Friday on August 08, 2008, 07:26 AM NHFT
On the off chance that anyone hasn't already seen this:
Sarah Silverman wants you to know that she's !@#$ing Matt Damon!
NSFW
Hehe
The First IT Pro
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo53pQXHxBI
Don't say the pledge!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVKj35b2gBI
The Wonder Quins
I've expanded on yesterday's comic for those who were confused by it. There is now a video of the Wonder Twins. That should give you the context you need to "get it".
http://anarchyinyourhead.com/2008/08/29/the-wonder-quins/
I've just applied yet another hot fix to this comic strip. I'm sure there's something immoral about this. Not sure why. It's like Spielberg edited E.T. to make the guns look like walky talkies. See if it makes any more sense. *shrug*
http://anarchyinyourhead.com/2008/08/29/the-wonder-quins/
Quote from: BaRbArIaN on August 22, 2008, 03:55 PM NHFT
Politicians in Hell
===============================================
a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
Tragically?
Quote from: Friday on August 08, 2008, 07:26 AM NHFT
On the off chance that anyone hasn't already seen this:
Sarah Silverman wants you to know that she's !@#$ing Matt Damon!
NSFW
You've seen Jimmy Kimmel's response, I take it?
Quote from: dalebert on September 01, 2008, 01:03 AM NHFT
I've just applied yet another hot fix to this comic strip. I'm sure there's something immoral about this. Not sure why. It's like Spielberg edited E.T. to make the guns look like walky talkies. See if it makes any more sense. *shrug*
http://anarchyinyourhead.com/2008/08/29/the-wonder-quins/
OK, this is really bizarre to me. Is there not ONE person out there who got this humor? Even after I changed it to make it a bit less subtle? I'm beginning to think this is a "Cow Tools" comic strip. That's a Far Side reference, btw. Once again, I am being obscure. ::)
Can you do a 'reference' one to Popeye or Mighty Mouse?
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on September 01, 2008, 02:40 PM NHFT
Can you do a 'reference' one to Popeye or Mighty Mouse?
Or-(http://ms.media1.converdge.com/uploads/3bf4c08cc7021bdb39734349761c0440@t13.jpg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3LqMFkrNBU&feature=related
;D 8)
Quote from: dalebert on September 01, 2008, 12:19 PM NHFT
Quote from: dalebert on September 01, 2008, 01:03 AM NHFT
I've just applied yet another hot fix to this comic strip. I'm sure there's something immoral about this. Not sure why. It's like Spielberg edited E.T. to make the guns look like walky talkies. See if it makes any more sense. *shrug*
http://anarchyinyourhead.com/2008/08/29/the-wonder-quins/
OK, this is really bizarre to me. Is there not ONE person out there who got this humor? Even after I changed it to make it a bit less subtle? I'm beginning to think this is a "Cow Tools" comic strip. That's a Far Side reference, btw. Once again, I am being obscure. ::)
I get it (and I also remember the Wonder Twins).
Just saw this ;D
VEGETARIAN—OLD INDIAN WORD FOR "BAD HUNTER"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
performance of the flower and jewelry applications
that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0
system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 but
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4,
NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer
runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems
but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an
entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try entering the command
C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and installing
Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But
remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please remember Beer 6.1
is a very bad program that will create
Snoring Loudly WAV files. DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2
which runs in the background and has been known to
introduce potentially serious viruses into the
operating system.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it
does have a limited memory and can't learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to enhance his system
performance.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
From: http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4218/humor/upgrade.html (http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4218/humor/upgrade.html)
Is Palin ready to be our VP?
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=a6f_1220573398
(http://www.sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2008-09-09.gif) (http://www.sinfest.net/)
that's hilarious~!
and in the totally random department...
Death Star over San Francisco
http://current.com/items/89204971_death_star_over_san_francisco (http://current.com/items/89204971_death_star_over_san_francisco)
That was funny :D
I heard some amateur or student did that with basically no budget. :o Guy will be getting good work in movies in no time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1uLhuM8WE4
The Sarah Palin Sex Tape
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XobcKOfCogU
this has probably already been posted, but... WTF
The End of The World
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy
says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I
have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy
it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man:
'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in
here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The
lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy:
'$750' Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy,
'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. 'The boy
says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove. 'The Dad asks,
'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says,
'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way
more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in
the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in
here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in
my closet now.'
Work-safe Porn! (OK, I wouldn't really click the link if I were at work, except that personally I actually would because I work at home on my laptop.)
http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=349ffa2b
;D ;D ;D
British libertarian humor: abolish the DES (Dept. of Education and Science)
Ninja cat :black_kitty:
http://www.yahoo.com/s/960018 (http://www.yahoo.com/s/960018)
(http://www.motorists.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/WhatHappensIfYouRemoveAllTheTrafficSigns_D41B/trafficsign.jpg)
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
'What's your IQ?' The man replies '150' and the robot proceeds to make
conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and
spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string
theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, 'This is really cool.' He
decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks
him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responds, 'About 100.' Immediately the
robot starts talking, but this time, about league, Holdens, racing, the
new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one
more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
'What's your IQ?' The man replies, 'Err, 50, I think.'
And the robot says.... real slowly...'So. ......... .....ya gonna vote
Demopublican again?'
"...The people I've met who have been through the worst, who have suffered and endured injustices, are always funny. They have this ability to find the absurd in the world and enjoy it - a way of enjoying the uncertainty. If you didn't have a sense of humor in an airport, you would fall down on the tile floor and cry."
- Louise Erdrich (in the November issue of Shambhala Sun)
People of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills
Citizens of Earth! My name is Robert Stubinsky. Please, do not be afraid!
I come from a small green home on Edgemore Avenue. There I live in the basement, below my now elderly parents. I have been observing you and your kind for many years, primarily through the shades of my bedroom window and on the television set. Understand, I mean you no harm. I only seek to learn more of your strange earthling ways.
Your customs intrigue me. The casual and lighthearted nature of your conversations, the cultural references you so frequently employ to elicit laughter, the way you will sometimes pat another human on the back to display affection and foster an atmosphere of warmth. These behaviors are entirely foreign to me. For instance, how do you keep yourself from shifting nervously all the time?
Please, do not stare directly into my eyes! You are making Robert Stubinsky very uncomfortable! Look away, humans! Look away!
We come from two very different worlds, you and I. Your world is one of immediate social acceptance, late-night gatherings, and fulfilling relationships with members of the opposite sex. My world, on the other hand, is one of reading hard-boiled detective fiction, watching Fawlty Towers, and sometimes a world of eating until my anxieties go away. Still, it is my belief that both our kinds can coexist in peace, and perhaps even friendship.
People of Earth! I come tonight bearing a message of utmost urgency, and that message is: Would anyone like to talk to me?
You may find me repulsive at first. The way I sweat profusely and breathe loudly through my mouth may be off-putting to you. My method of hovering around two people already engaged in private discussion without uttering a single word may leave some of you very annoyed. You may wish to avoid me altogether, largely due to the flaky nature of my skin. This is what is known as eczema. It is a common affliction and I already possess ointment for it.
Come, let us look past all of our differences and embrace one another in harmony! Wait now—stand back! Halt! Not too close! My kind finds intimacy incredibly frightening!
You humans are a warlike people. Especially those of you who were on the Norris High football team in 1987 and found my corpulent mass to be the source of much amusement. However, there is still a lot we can learn from each other. I have many facts at my disposal that you may find interesting and quite thought-provoking. For instance, did you know that the praying mantis is the only species in existence with just one ear? Or that I grew up with no true friends and was without the company of acquaintances well into my adult years?
Take me to your leader! Perhaps he will be interested in conversing with me. I know popular sports are of great importance here and am willing to memorize their related statistics, if so desired. I also bring an offering of Earth money, which I can exchange for alcoholic beverages in hopes of currying the favor of those who might not normally like me.
Deliver me one of your females! I would very much like to talk to one of your females! What are you doing? No, not yet! I am not ready to talk to one of your females just yet!
Though my mission here is one of peace, remember: I possess decades upon decades of pent-up aggression and anger. Do not play your mean-spirited human games with me. Do not pretend that you are interested in becoming my friend, all the while looking over your shoulder and chuckling at my naïveté with your friends. Do not wait until I must use the washing facilities and then decide to exit the bar, leaving only a note behind, a needless note, one calling me a "freak" and "weirdo" and telling me that I enjoy copulating with members of my same sex. Do not do this. I am tired of this occurring and cannot be responsible for my actions if this happens again.
People of Earth: I wish I were more like you.
Rachel Ray food porn!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/02/rachael-rays-corn-porn-vi_n_131335.html
(http://www.nostate.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/newusgovernmentlogo.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on October 07, 2008, 07:52 AM NHFT
(http://www.nostate.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/newusgovernmentlogo.jpg)
:biglaugh: :clap: Boy, if that's not the truth!
Vote Betty. Her Presidency will bring hot chicks in merrywidows, drug-induced tangential interludes, and beer.
Quote from: Friday on October 09, 2008, 08:39 PM NHFT
Vote Betty. Her Presidency will bring hot chicks in merrywidows, drug-induced tangential interludes, and beer.
That was funny and cute, thanks! ;D
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a check for $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Quote from: shyfrog on October 10, 2008, 01:52 PM NHFT
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a check for $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Holy shit, this is fabulous! Drink up! :occasion14:
Quote from: shyfrog on October 10, 2008, 01:52 PM NHFT
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
So, are Pat K and I going to be socked with a "guzzler tax"?
ok, i'm usually the good christian boy, but this is just freakin hilarious:
U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock
The national debt has surpassed $10 trillion, thereby exceeding the 13 digits the National Debt Clock in New York's Times Square. What do you think?
Young Man
Clark Mariano,
Maitre D'
"That's a debt clock? I thought it was just a sign that counted to 10 trillion."
Old Woman
Françcoise Lefevre,
Systems Analyst
"Look, if everyone just donated one dollar, we would have enough money to buy a new debt clock."
Old Man
Mark Wiedenbach,
Surveyor
"At least the McDonald's sign still keeps track of the billions served.... It doesn't? Oh, man. These are dark times."
http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/u_s_debt_outgrows_debt_clock (http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/u_s_debt_outgrows_debt_clock)
"Look, if everyone just donated one dollar, we would have enough money to buy a new debt clock."
LMAO!
12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVifPkbYsk
Best 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction video ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AplLbKJQUw0
I probably posted this before, but it bares posting again now that they have a 5th episode (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqyYLhpOQWw).
I recommend watching all of them from the beginning. They're fantastic. Here's the first episode of the
High Times Editorial Office.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NC1BVgaJwY
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said,
'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts
and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times
and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,
'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
:rofl:
Joe Cocker, with subtitles
Quote from: Jared on October 11, 2008, 10:54 PM NHFT
ok, i'm usually the good christian boy, but this is just freakin hilarious:
:biglaugh: That was hilarious! I love where the guy is in the car and he says, "I'm doing it now." Good one, Jared! ;D
Ha, ha!
I don't know why the last picture didn't come out right, can anybody fix it?
This is why I play RPG's alone.
World of Warcraft - Leeroy Jenkins
Quote from: Friday on October 26, 2008, 12:29 PM NHFT
This is why I play RPG's alone.
World of Warcraft - Leeroy Jenkins
Good lord. Geekiness by committee.
This is why I don't play RPGs at all.
I try not to participate in anything having an acronym
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 27, 2008, 07:37 AM NHFT
I try not to participate in anything having an acronym
Is that from being an anachronism? :P
Anar cro nism
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 27, 2008, 08:24 AM NHFT
Anar cro nism
Good, Lloyd! Just sound it out and you'll get it! >:D
A Young Mad Scientist's First Alphabet Blocks
At Xylocopa, we know that the key to a successful education is to begin learning at a young age. Like many of you, we are concerned about the state of science education in the public school system, especially in the lower grades. Specifically, we have noticed that there is absolutely no training in the K-6 grades that prepares students to become mad scientists. In this competitive 21st-century world, the need for mad scientists will only increase, but the lack of basic education in primary school leaves us concerned that there will be no future students capable of leading in this illustrious field.
Fortunately, we have a solution - a first step, if you will, along the path to mad science proficiency. We are pleased to announce the release of our Young Mad Scientist's First Alphabet Blocks. These lovely blocks contain many carefully engraved illustrations of the equipment, training, and activities that a budding mad scientist will require, combined with a clever alphabetic introduction to the concept depicted.
Each block measures 1.5 inches square and depicts six mad science concepts and the appropriate letters. The set includes all 26 letters of the alphabet on five blocks (six illustrations per block).
Each side started out as one of our original pen-and-ink drawings that we have carefully laser engraved onto a solid block of American maple wood.
We don't use any dyes or harmful finishes on the blocks and all of their edges are rounded and smooth.
A complete list of the images represented by the letters is as follows:
A - Appendages
B - Bioengineering
C - Caffeine :coffee:
D - Dirigible
E - Experiment
F - Freeze ray
G - Goggles :glasses1:
H - Henchmen :lockstep:
I - Invention :idea1:
J - Jargon
K - Potassium
L - Laser
M - Maniacal
N - Nanotechnology
O - Organs
P - Peasants (with Pitchforks) :pitchforked:
Q - Quantum physics
R - Robot
S - Self-experimentation
T - Tentacles
U - Underground Lair
V - Virus
W - Wrench
X - X-Ray
Y - You, the Mad Scientist of Tomorrow
Z - Zombies
Price: $40.00
http://www.xylocopa.com/product/mad-science-alphabet-blocks
The "I'm not gay" poster made me think of Keith. :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6tvxqAKKLc
You gotta love the Irish!!!
1.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
2.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
< BR >The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
3.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
4.
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Quote from: raineyrocks on October 30, 2008, 03:04 PM NHFT
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Reminds me of one. How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
There are splotches of white-out all over the screen.
Quote from: dalebert on October 30, 2008, 03:54 PM NHFT
Quote from: raineyrocks on October 30, 2008, 03:04 PM NHFT
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Reminds me of one. How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
There are splotches of white-out all over the screen.
Gosh, I'm having a hard time reading your post, there's this white stuff all over my screen! :biglaugh:
An old one but a classic. There need to be more commercials like this. Then we wouldn't mind them so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ny1JFpckkNo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=148dowDhkVY
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP..
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops
:crazy3: :Drunken_Pumpkin_by_IcedOver: :Jack_O_Lantern_by_Leafwoodfur
Hearty LOL
I think it calls for another trial!
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 02, 2008, 07:29 PM NHFT
I think it calls for another trial!
I knew there should have been a probationary period.
What is she accused of now? ...a nuisance charge?
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on November 03, 2008, 04:29 PM NHFT
I knew there should have been a probationary period.
What is she accused of now? ...a nuisance charge?
Carrying bier on a public street . . .
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on November 03, 2008, 04:29 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 02, 2008, 07:29 PM NHFT
I think it calls for another trial!
I knew there should have been a probationary period.
What is she accused of now? ...a nuisance charge?
Punning without a permit
Just a couple minutes long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DKgrLXks5k
JibJab - Frankenstein for President!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9irG_uXsII
LOL :D
Quote from: Tom Sawyer on November 07, 2008, 04:33 AM NHFT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9irG_uXsII
I don't believe it. All politicians are blood suckers.
The Matrix Runs on Windows
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX8yrOAjfKM
Ubuntu FTW!
Fraser: "Thats a great idea! Her own show! They're looking for a replacement for 'Cabbing with Ron And Debbie'!"
Fraser's brother: "What happened to them?"
Fraser: "Nobody knows"
stolen from another board....
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
B ) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
_______________
Just seen on AOL:
The third headline is not connected with the first two, although a guy's ability to get pregnant should be a definite 'Red Flag'!
'Pregnant Man'
Expecting Again
Thomas Beatie, 34, Delivered Baby
Earlier This Year: When's He Due?
11 Biggest Red Flags in Dating
Hear These 4 Words, Start Running
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas period!
A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
The sound of a breeze in the trees and water in a babbling brook welcomes you to the fish display.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & chocolate chip cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more
That's hilarious, Lloyd. Almost pulled a PatK and spit coffee on the computer. ;D ;D
No Mac-spitting please. :P
Sometimes court is funny.
WARNING: This video has somewhat NSFW moments. It's also rated "May not be suitable for minors" by YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEzlBwaFKHc
from the Uncyclopedia entry on Libertarianism (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Libertarianism):
picture of a typical libertarian posting his views on the Internet
Reminds me. I gotta shave and lose a few pounds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILUIzGgAuBQ
Got this from, I think, Howard Wilson.
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
OMG! That rocks. Now I want to buy a motorcycle, learn how to ride it, and start the White Mountain Weasels. :icon_motor: :occasion14:
Just goes to show you. One never knows where their next 'calling' will.......er, call from.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
Are they from a place known as a "Quaint Drinking Village With a Fishing Problem"?
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
I'm pretty sure my dad is a member. :ahoy:
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 01:10 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
OMG! That rocks. Now I want to buy a motorcycle, learn how to ride it, and start the White Mountain Weasels. :icon_motor: :occasion14:
Hey, I really *could* start the White Mountain Weasels; they've got chapters all over the country!
http://www.weaselsusa.org/chapters.html
(http://www.weaselsusa.org/chapters.html)
I love the logos. Weasels are cool.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on November 30, 2008, 05:43 PM NHFT
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
Are they from a place known as a "Quaint Drinking Village With a Fishing Problem"?
Good one, Pat!
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 05:50 PM NHFT
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
I'm pretty sure my dad is a member. :ahoy:
I emailed my dad the Rocky Mountain Weasels link; here is his response:
QuoteRipoff! Imposters!
Any drunk can ride a motorcycle. It takes a real Hasher to stay up on two feet!
On! On!
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 09:19 PM NHFT
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 05:50 PM NHFT
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
I'm pretty sure my dad is a member. :ahoy:
I emailed my dad the Rocky Mountain Weasels link; here is his response:
QuoteRipoff! Imposters!
Any drunk can ride a motorcycle. It takes a real Hasher to stay up on two feet!
On! On!
;D When your right your right.
This is my favorite 2 minutes of celluloid, ever.
Holy Grail - Killer Bunny
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 09:19 PM NHFT
Quote from: Friday on November 30, 2008, 05:50 PM NHFT
Quote from: Libertine on November 30, 2008, 05:12 PM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on November 30, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
I ran into this the other day:
http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html (http://rockymountainweasels.com/index.html)
Ha! They copied the Hash House Harriers (http://www.gthhh.com/), which are loosely affiliated drinking groups with a running problem! They've been around since the early 1940's and originated in Kuala Lumpur by a group of expats.
I'm pretty sure my dad is a member. :ahoy:
I emailed my dad the Rocky Mountain Weasels link; here is his response:
QuoteRipoff! Imposters!
Any drunk can ride a motorcycle. It takes a real Hasher to stay up on two feet!
On! On!
Oh, that brings back memories! I was hoping to find a hash group here in New England, but it looks sparse. I'll keep looking....
Thanks for the smile, Friday!
Remember the Hashers club that caused a bioterrorism panic in DC, or immediately thereabouts? Because a pound of flour poured carefully into the shape of an arrow, looks so much like anthrax!
Edit: added link.
http://www.theagitator.com/2007/08/27/hashers-arrested/
Quote from: KBCraig on December 01, 2008, 10:10 AM NHFT
Remember the Hashers club that caused a bioterrorism panic in DC, or immediately thereabouts? Because a pound of flour poured carefully into the shape of an arrow, looks so much like anthrax!
Edit: added link.
http://www.theagitator.com/2007/08/27/hashers-arrested/
Yep, but hashers just thrown the flour out in splotches! They're running, after all, and the hares only have a 15 minute head start over the group. The last I heard, two of the hashers were eventually held responsible and fined, which is ridiculous.
This one is in honor of Three Stooges Construction Co.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxZyzGYWYpY
Stop sign baffles bird-like creature
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJlIrDDmiFk
Nashua Porcupine Greg reacts to some disturbing video I subjected him to purely for our entertainment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKTAD_lisb8
Porcupine Eric is a little bit better sport about it. Maybe he had enough drinks in him to make it all the way through the video. There is some cursing in this one so maybe NSFW.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAgRaT3yCqw
If you are feeling particularly brave, video tape yourself while watching this for the first time and post it as a response to the first video! There is a link to the video being watched in the description. It will ask you to confirm your age... and for good reason!
I miss this show. And I admit it... sometime, I dance in the bathroom. :blush:
Here's another memorable moment in the Unisex; sadly, some people have no Barry White in them. :(
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voting_machines.png) (http://xkcd.com/463/)
The Capitalism Clapper
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2008/11/26/fiorenew.DTL (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2008/11/26/fiorenew.DTL)
(Just Emailed to me)
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding m e!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I !ould us e the car pool lane during rush
hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang< BR>on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Y'all have a great time preparing for the Holidays – I'm thinking about inviting Louise over.
I thought that this was one of your family experiences until I saw, (just emailed to me), that story is hilarious!
:biglaugh:
I posted it, then modified it with the email thing
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 11, 2008, 07:02 PM NHFT
I posted it, then modified it with the email thing
Wow, how ingenious! ;D Did you vote on the TMI poll yet Lloyd? 8)
Yes ;D
(http://i33.tinypic.com/2ztgd9f.gif)
(http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/17/Dreamcasttamzibit2.jpg)
(http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/98/Derive.jpg)
(http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/10/Attic.jpg)
And my favorite...
(http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/a/a2/Yo_dawg.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on December 13, 2008, 01:02 PM NHFT
(http://i33.tinypic.com/2ztgd9f.gif)
Is there a story behind this?
Quote from: error on December 13, 2008, 02:17 PM NHFT
Is there a story behind this?
I take it you've never seen the show "Pimp my Ride". I've only seen just a little bit of one episode myself, but it was enough to get the joke. :)
Quote from: dalebert on December 13, 2008, 02:55 PM NHFT
Quote from: error on December 13, 2008, 02:17 PM NHFT
Is there a story behind this?
I take it you've never seen the show "Pimp my Ride". I've only seen just a little bit of one episode myself, but it was enough to get the joke. :)
I don't watch television, and even before I stopped watching television I gave up on MTV after they stopped playing music.
Shoe tossing animated GIFs (http://www.boingboing.net/2008/12/15/iraq-shoe-tosser-guy.html)
Due to being in front of a tv this weekend, I saw the shoe throwing many times. It was the closest I've ever come to respecting that clown. He ducked, smiling as both shoes came at him, rather accurately ;D
Could have been a Grenade!
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 16, 2008, 07:44 AM NHFT
Could have been a Grenade!
My first thought is that is wishful thinking. My 2nd thought is "Oh no... Please don't make this man a martyr!" It'd be Abraham Lincoln historical revisionism all over again. Not that they won't engage in revisionism anyway, but that would make it go a whole lot smoother.
Not to mention how much damage Cheeny could do in a month!
Children writing about the sea:
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they have been better off eating beans.(William age 7)
8) - I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) - On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Julie age 7)
Quote from: Pat K on December 21, 2008, 03:49 PM NHFT
Children writing about the sea:
Haha, you made me LOL!!
Quote from: Pat K on December 21, 2008, 03:49 PM NHFT
Children writing about the sea:
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age :D)
Becky's dad was sailor, so she should know.
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 21, 2008, 07:58 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 21, 2008, 03:49 PM NHFT
Children writing about the sea:
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age :D)
Becky's dad was sailor, so she should know.
Ahhh, you'll be smokin' a turd in purgatory for that one Jimmy boy.
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 21, 2008, 07:58 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 21, 2008, 03:49 PM NHFT
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age :D)
Becky's dad was sailor, so she should know.
Remind me to tell the joke about the barrel on the submarine sometime.
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/political-pictures-benedict-santa.jpg)
Bear with me if you remember the last 3 or 4 times I posted this joke.
__________________________________
Santa had just come down the chimney and was spreading gifts under the tree:
"ahem"
He turns and before him is a really beautiful young woman lying on a couch, wearing a see thru negligee.
"Do you think you can stay a while Santa?"
Santa cleared his throat and said, "Ho Ho Ho! Got To Go! Lots of toys for girls and boys!"
She stands with the light behind her. "Are you sure you can't stay, Santa?"
"Ho Ho Ho! Got To Go! Lots of toys for girls and boys!" Santa squeaked.
She reaches up to shoulders and the negligee falls to the floor. "Just for a little while, Santa"
Dropping his bag to the floor, "Hey Hey Hey! May as well stay! Can't get back up the chimney this way!
Quote from: Pat K on December 22, 2008, 10:41 AM NHFT
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/political-pictures-benedict-santa.jpg)
isn't santa an upgrade to the pope?
Quote from: Russell Kanning on December 24, 2008, 01:00 AM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 22, 2008, 10:41 AM NHFT
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/political-pictures-benedict-santa.jpg)
isn't santa an upgrade to the pope?
Si, but the Pope don't thin so.
South Park pilot - The Spirit of Christmas
NOT SUITABLE FOR... Christians, Jews, fat people, kids, parents, a...ah fuck it, it's just not suitable
But it is funny! ;D
(http://img5.ranchoweb.com/images/jsjapan/xmasbeerkegs.jpg)
This guy thinks big. If not very picturesque.
Quote from: Pat K on December 24, 2008, 11:54 PM NHFT
(http://img5.ranchoweb.com/images/jsjapan/xmasbeerkegs.jpg)
This guy thinks big. If not very picturesque.
I wonder why the cops didn't go and blow that up?
Any other can with a wire on it gets "special" treatment. :violent5:
It's the lights.
And isn't that in Japan somewhere?
Quote from: error on December 25, 2008, 11:28 AM NHFT
It's the lights.
And isn't that in Japan somewhere?
So if you decorate your can during a holiday it's all good.
Quote from: dalebert on December 21, 2008, 11:19 PM NHFT
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on December 21, 2008, 07:58 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat K on December 21, 2008, 03:49 PM NHFT
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age :D)
Becky's dad was sailor, so she should know.
Remind me to tell the joke about the barrel on the submarine sometime.
Resist the urge.
Quote from: Friday on December 24, 2008, 08:48 PM NHFT
South Park pilot - The Spirit of Christmas
NOT SUITABLE FOR... Christians, Jews, fat people, kids, parents, a...ah fuck it, it's just not suitable
Where is it? I wanted to see it, I love unsuitable videos! 8)
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....
Guys like that haven't watched enough movies to figure out how to word their wishes more carefully!
A guy goes up to a bar's owner with a big box. He opens the box and inside is a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny grand piano. He's playing it beautifully.
The guy asks the bartender if he needs any entertainment for his bar and says the little guy takes requests and is very good.
"Where'd you get that?!" asks the bartender, shocked at such a sight.
"Oh, a genie granted me a wish for setting him free."
"Really? Of all the things you could have wished for, this seems like an odd one." said the bartender.
"That genie's either hard of hearing or a smart-ass! Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear ou t.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right n ow!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Learn the metric system with xkcd (http://xkcd.com/526/). :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7zZQuMDIk
For some inexplicable reason, this reminds me of AnarchoJesse. ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-r5yPAf4eM
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
Quote from: KBCraig on January 12, 2009, 05:28 PM NHFT
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
;D ;D ;D ;D
If strip clubs were like Internet porn sites...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHkZP0i7FqU
Starring Samuel L Jackson as "Principal Firebush"
Quote from: KBCraig on January 12, 2009, 05:28 PM NHFT
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
Darn, the link won't work.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on January 09, 2009, 09:39 AM NHFT
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear ou t.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right n ow!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Sorry, I'm not listening to you, I'm laughing! ;D
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 15, 2009, 02:32 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 12, 2009, 05:28 PM NHFT
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
Darn, the link won't work.
Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.
Quote from: KBCraig on January 15, 2009, 05:38 PM NHFT
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 15, 2009, 02:32 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 12, 2009, 05:28 PM NHFT
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
Darn, the link won't work.
Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.
Drats! Oh well, thanks for checking it out. :)
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 15, 2009, 07:58 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 15, 2009, 05:38 PM NHFT
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 15, 2009, 02:32 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 12, 2009, 05:28 PM NHFT
"The Secret" saved my life! (http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_cr_rdp_perm)
Darn, the link won't work.
Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.
Drats! Oh well, thanks for checking it out. :)
Because the internet doesn't like broken links:
The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007
By Ari Brouillette
Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.
Thanks for posting that Pat! :) Is that the same thing that your link was about KB?
I'm confused though, sorry. Okay, here goes:
1. Did the sharp toothbrush weapon just appear in Chapter six because he wanted it to or did his cell mate put it in there for him?
2. What way was his life changed by all the visualization he did while in solitary confinement? Maybe that was just left for speculation?
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 16, 2009, 08:28 PM NHFT
Thanks for posting that Pat! :) Is that the same thing that your link was about KB?
I'm confused though, sorry. Okay, here goes:
1. Did the sharp toothbrush weapon just appear in Chapter six because he wanted it to or did his cell mate put it in there for him?
2. What way was his life changed by all the visualization he did while in solitary confinement? Maybe that was just left for speculation?
Yes.
For the better.
yes.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on January 17, 2009, 11:48 AM NHFT
Quote from: raineyrocks on January 16, 2009, 08:28 PM NHFT
Thanks for posting that Pat! :) Is that the same thing that your link was about KB?
I'm confused though, sorry. Okay, here goes:
1. Did the sharp toothbrush weapon just appear in Chapter six because he wanted it to or did his cell mate put it in there for him?
2. What way was his life changed by all the visualization he did while in solitary confinement? Maybe that was just left for speculation?
Yes.
For the better.
yes.
Thank you! ;D
In honor of our new President and First Lady, both of whom are lawyers:
An elderly woman came to an attorney for the drafting of her will, for which the attorney charged $100. She gave him a $100 bill without noticing that a second $100 bill had stuck to it.
Immediately, the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
The one in the middle is dressed like a doctor to help the other ones when they get beat up.
Quote from: Friday on January 22, 2009, 08:12 PM NHFT
The one in the middle is dressed like a doctor to help the other ones when they get beat up.
I didn't think the teletubbies could get any gayer. I stand corrected.
That picture is just wrong on so many different levels.
I think we need a healthy dose of the MANTage to cut through that gayness like a knife!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvltzwkUEEA
No Porn in China
This guy's great. He does short (usually < 3 mins) videos regularly and just makes fun of things. He'll lighten your day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-6Gx_0VCXY
Obviously not me.
________________________________-
The Black Bra ....
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about
our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing
a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heel s and a mask over
just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing
a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask
over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat
he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said...
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
letter of complaint to Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Airlines (note: the photos that go along with the article are important)
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008 ... (http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/01/apparently-sir-richard-branson-thevirgin-bossthought-this-was-the-funniestletter-of-complaint-hed-ever-received------dear.html)
That could only be funnier if John Cleeves was reciting it ;D
Pig vs Girl http://www.girlvspig.com/archives/her1.html (http://www.girlvspig.com/archives/her1.html)
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
Future LEOs?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iKY1NSiYzA
IRISH LENT
>
> An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks
> into the
> pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
> eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks
> quietly at a
> table, alone.
>
>
> An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders
> three
> more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again
> orders
> and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire
> town
> is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
>
>
> Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on
> behalf of
> the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are
> wondering
> why you always order three beers?"
>
>
> "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two
> brothers,
> and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We
> promised
> each other that we would always order an extra two beers
> whenever we
> drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
>
>
> The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer,
> and
> soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
>
> source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that
> out-of-towners
> would come to watch him drink.
>
>
> Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
> bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the
> rest
> of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around
> town.
> Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
>
>
> The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here,
> me
> first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of
> your
> brother. You know-the two beers and all"
>
>
> The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be
> happy to
> hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
> meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent
The good ole pee prank! This is hilarious, and really short.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le4ZQrV0Xbk
Art Interpretation
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.
"Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture," he replied.
"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Welsh coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
;D
English Jokes... ;D
Just another day in the U.S. court system...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Clinton Goofs on Russian Translation
Hilary Clinton presented Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov with a gift-wrapped red button, which said "Reset" in English and "Peregruzka" in Russian. The problem was, "peregruzka" doesn't mean reset. It means overcharged, or overloaded.
And Lavrov called her out on it.
"We worked hard to get the right Russian word. Do you think we got it?" Clinton asked Lavrov.
"You got it wrong," Lavrov said. "This says 'peregruzka,' which means overcharged."
Clinton says, "Jeez, no wonder it cost so much!"
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/03/06/clinton-goofs-russian-translation-tells-diplomat-wants-overcharge-ties/ (http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/03/06/clinton-goofs-russian-translation-tells-diplomat-wants-overcharge-ties/)
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sqnjZD8MC7A/STSgBZbYL4I/AAAAAAAAAzg/csAwEqKqU0g/S230/Aim+for+the+cat.jpg)
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-police-fail.jpg)
Fun in the snow, just for Pat K.
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/wtf_pics-top-heavy-sled.jpg)
Quote from: KBCraig on March 18, 2009, 12:19 PM NHFT
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-police-fail.jpg)
Probably just can't wait to put a red tint on the black jack . . .
(http://incredimazing.com/static/media/2007/12/21/9aea5d0274da000/baconflowchart.jpg)
Quibble: you don't need a clean pan for bacon. Frying bacon sterilizes everything, and cures polio!
I don't understand this being called a "fail". It's a win in my book, especially at PorcFest!
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-breakfast-fail.jpg)
;D 8)
"The only golf club guaranteed to keep you out of the woods."
Arresting Lauren Canario: like taking a cat for a walk on a leash.
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-cats-invented-passive-resistance1.jpg)
"Ow! My back!"
;D
Quote from: KBCraig on March 20, 2009, 02:38 AM NHFT
Arresting Lauren Canario: like taking a cat for a walk on a leash.
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-cats-invented-passive-resistance1.jpg)
"Ow! My back!"
;D
That's where Lauren learned the technique... two black cats named Bat and Oneil, who would not walk on leashes.
How to Demonstrate Your Enthusiasm for a Movie (http://basicinstructions.net/?p=1019)
(http://basicinstructions.net/comics/2009-03-11-film.gif)
I think this is more fun than the original. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaGHVWKrcpQ&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaGHVWKrcpQ&feature=player_embedded)
I think Dale was showing the video version at Murphy's....
Spiderman fail:
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-spiderman-comics-fail.jpg)
Quote from: KBCraig on April 04, 2009, 10:40 PM NHFT
I think Dale was showing the video version at Murphy's....
Spiderman fail:
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-spiderman-comics-fail.jpg)
Is that the superhero version of "fisting"? Shouldn't this be in the TMI section? :o
A notorious panel amongst comics fans:
http://www.timemachinego.com/linkmachinego/2004/02/04/robin-what-have-i-done-to-you/
Resistance or stoned?
Cat looks stoned to me. :)
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on March 20, 2009, 12:28 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on March 20, 2009, 02:38 AM NHFT
Arresting Lauren Canario: like taking a cat for a walk on a leash.
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-cats-invented-passive-resistance1.jpg)
"Ow! My back!"
;D
That's where Lauren learned the technique... two black cats named Bat and Oneil, who would not walk on leashes.
Quote from: Humorrhoid on April 07, 2009, 01:04 AM NHFT
Resistance or stoned?
Cat looks stoned to me. :)
Quote from: Facilitator to the Icon on March 20, 2009, 12:28 PM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on March 20, 2009, 02:38 AM NHFT
Arresting Lauren Canario: like taking a cat for a walk on a leash.
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-cats-invented-passive-resistance1.jpg)
"Ow! My back!"
;D
That's where Lauren learned the technique... two black cats named Bat and Oneil, who would not walk on leashes.
:D, Or like he licked an lsd stamp. :o
Pat K's cat (Pat Kat?):
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-cat-does-not-like-vegetarian-food.jpg)
(http://www.royalbaconsociety.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/eatedbacon.jpg)
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/funny-pictures-kitten-is-excited-about-bacon.jpg)
Barack Obama, the new President, is for
Banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt
With him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked
The audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in
Total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands
Together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the
Quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass stop clapping!'
Quote from: Pat K on April 15, 2009, 12:25 AM NHFT
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/funny-pictures-kitten-is-excited-about-bacon.jpg)
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-dog-pictures-cookies.jpg)
Bacon Cookies!
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but he doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
In honor of 4/20...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ9wtQkSHqw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgVEf2kUweU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uwY3sjqYX0
This guy must be related to me.
Enjoy!
A new kind of fascism.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9_kahA_wQo
A conversation with the ten year-old.
"For the third time. Do your homework."
"I HATE homework. Why should I do it!"
"You need to do your homework so you can get into college and get a good job."
"Oh, Dad," (exasperated), "by the time I'm ready to go to college I'll be able to download the answers directly into my brain in twenty seconds!"
"Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army."
Monty Python - Marching Up and Down the Square
A woman in New Delhi India is asking the public for assistance.She is looking for an alternative way to
commit suicide the natural way. She is a vegetarian all her life
& seeks homeopathic ways to end her suffering. She believes that her soul should be purely organic in nature in order to get to heaven.
Reporting from New Delhi Psyche Ward
Reuters
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
:D
Mail Order Bride :
Buy 3 get one free.
Offer only good in Utah.
Read this joke that I posted a while back before you read the comic underneath.
Quote from: dalebert on January 02, 2009, 01:22 PM NHFT
A guy goes up to a bar's owner with a big box. He opens the box and inside is a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny grand piano. He's playing it beautifully.
The guy asks the bartender if he needs any entertainment for his bar and says the little guy takes requests and is very good.
"Where'd you get that?!" asks the bartender, shocked at such a sight.
"Oh, a genie granted me a wish for setting him free."
"Really? Of all the things you could have wished for, this seems like an odd one." said the bartender.
"That genie's either hard of hearing or a smart-ass! Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/piano.png) (http://xkcd.com/532/)
;D
;)
Quote from: dalebert on July 29, 2009, 12:35 AM NHFT
Read this joke that I posted a while back before you read the comic underneath.
Quote from: dalebert on January 02, 2009, 01:22 PM NHFT
A guy goes up to a bar's owner with a big box. He opens the box and inside is a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny grand piano. He's playing it beautifully.
The guy asks the bartender if he needs any entertainment for his bar and says the little guy takes requests and is very good.
"Where'd you get that?!" asks the bartender, shocked at such a sight.
"Oh, a genie granted me a wish for setting him free."
"Really? Of all the things you could have wished for, this seems like an odd one." said the bartender.
"That genie's either hard of hearing or a smart-ass! Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/piano.png) (http://xkcd.com/532/)
Maybe an Avant garde genie?
Quote from: Kat Kanning on July 28, 2009, 04:22 PM NHFT
Offer only good in Utah.
Why in Utah?
Coupon's is also available at Deal takers.
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3448/3781362680_4a77894549.jpg)
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 08, 2009, 12:59 AM NHFT
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3448/3781362680_4a77894549.jpg)
You gave her a dick ,she can turn it into a slinky.
Yank once for the Porsche,Two for the condo.
Shmuel's Accident
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Shmuel .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"
asked the lawyer.
Shmuel responded,
"Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just
answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Shmuel said,
"Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel 's answer and
said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying,
I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (little dog) into the
car and vas
driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one
ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning.
I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and
groaning so he vent over to him.
After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in,
he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman
comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says,
"How you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/Sn5Ag1ZkqqI/AAAAAAAAJi4/SCHkRDzVlNo/s1600/desires.jpg)
Lloyd ,
Vat is vsick Lloyd....a.
Sent by a Jewish friend. Better than the anti-muslim, anti brown people stuff I usually get from him. ;D
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 10, 2009, 04:10 PM NHFT
Sent by a Jewish friend. Better than the anti-muslim, anti brown people stuff I usually get from him. ;D
Most comedians I know who are really sick are Vewish. Watch out with the leftee ones, coz they can make you lose your mind. :D
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
Also, Lloyd has been having problems with extra L's in his name. Quit taking his O away! ;D
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 11, 2009, 12:17 PM NHFT
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
Also, Lloyd has been having problems with extra L's in his name. Quit taking his O away! ;D
Taking the O in his name is in his best interest. Being Llayd is better than being Lloyd..a :(
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 01:09 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 11, 2009, 12:17 PM NHFT
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
Also, Lloyd has been having problems with extra L's in his name. Quit taking his O away! ;D
Taking the O in his name is in his best interest. Being Llayd is better than being Lloyd..a :(
But it is not Llayd, it is Llyd, which is Welsh for "gray-brown." Try pronouncing the Wesh LL by the way.
But it is not Llayd, it is Llyd, which is Welsh for "gray-brown." Try pronouncing the Wesh LL by the way.
[/quote]
If Llyd is gray brown, LL+ yd = gray brownied :P
The boy's name Lloyd \ll(o)-yd\ is pronounced loyd. It is of Welsh origin, and its meaning is "gray-haired; sacred". From Llwyd. The name may originally allude to experience and wisdom, and probably denoted a person entitled to respect.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 12, 2009, 07:15 PM NHFT
The boy's name Lloyd \ll(o)-yd\ is pronounced loyd. It is of Welsh origin, and its meaning is "gray-haired; sacred". From Llwyd. The name may originally allude to experience and wisdom, and probably denoted a person entitled to respect.
Wrth gwrs.
Note: Sacred,experience,wisdom
Note: gray-haired
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun...
(http://politicalgraffiti.com/nhfree/images/PINK-FLLOYD.jpg)
:D No white hair there. They are all pink
Haha!
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 11, 2009, 12:17 PM NHFT
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
My town library had a copy so I watched it for "free". They tax you for it anyway you should take advantage of what you already pay for.
Quote from: lildog on August 14, 2009, 02:00 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 11, 2009, 12:17 PM NHFT
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
My town library had a copy so I watched it for "free". They tax you for it anyway you should take advantage of what you already pay for.
Just learned American English and the idoms we use. eh? There is no amount of money in the world - or no money at all - that could entice me in front of a screen showing that movie.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 14, 2009, 03:58 PM NHFT
Quote from: lildog on August 14, 2009, 02:00 PM NHFT
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 11, 2009, 12:17 PM NHFT
Quote from: Humorrhoid on August 11, 2009, 12:12 PM NHFT
Llyd,
Did you see the movie Borat? I lost my mind on that one.
I lost my mind watching the previews on TV. I wouldn't take money to watch it.
My town library had a copy so I watched it for "free". They tax you for it anyway you should take advantage of what you already pay for.
Just learned American English and the idoms we use. eh? There is no amount of money in the world - or no money at all - that could entice me in front of a screen showing that movie.
It was pretty funny, you should give it a shot.
For some reason, although it is supposed to be a retired person, I kept seeing Becky Thatcher as the protagonist.
A TRIP TO COSTCO Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired peo ple. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.......it will be their Laugh for the day
Hey!!!!! What are you saying here, Loyd? >:D
Thanks for thinking of me. LOL That was pretty damn funny, I wish I was that quick witted. ;D
You're right, Lloyd, I can really see Becky in that story. :D
I'm going to have to think of good story for the inevitable question, "why are you buying so many bananas?"
;D ;D
;D
Quote from: thinkliberty on August 14, 2009, 04:35 PM NHFT
It was pretty funny, you should give it a shot.
Do you think a 41 caliber would work?
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired peo ple. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.......it will be their Laugh for the day
[/quote]
Llyyd , in particular those who are retired people who are on viagra. If they died of heart attack , an open coffin again . Or a horseshoe will be sufficient.
Rainey stopped by, ran in, and made me let her post this:
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.......just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid.
So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year "in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves"
"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an
idiot.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 28, 2009, 08:51 AM NHFT
Rainey stopped by, ran in, and made me let her post this:
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.......just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid.
So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year "in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves"
"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an
idiot.
:biglaugh:
Your so bad Lloyd! ;D Would you have as much fun with me if I dye my hair black?
:clap: :laughing4: :biglaugh:
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 28, 2009, 08:51 AM NHFT
So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year "in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves"
I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.
Quote from: dalebert on August 28, 2009, 11:03 AM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 28, 2009, 08:51 AM NHFT
So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year "in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves"
I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.
Even I'm not "that blonde", good luck! :D
Quote from: dalebert on August 28, 2009, 11:03 AM NHFT
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on August 28, 2009, 08:51 AM NHFT
So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year "in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves"
I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.
They will probably make you put your rats up
as collateral.
I was looking for a video on YouTube and clicked on one that said "Literal Video Version", not knowing what that meant... and discovered a whole high-larious world of music video spoofs. Some of them are quite well done; the singer and music sound a lot like the original (except for the ridiculous lyrics). Check them out! :rofl:
Here's one example:
Billy Idol - White Wedding (Literal Video Version)
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
[See the attached file]
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, j! ust so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
God and Satan
>
> In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
>
> Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
>
> So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
>
> God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
>
> God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
>
> God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
>
> God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
>
> And then...Satan chuckled
>
> and created the National Health Service
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope,
"Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do...
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just
one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many
around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
> Hebronics
>
> Ma, throw me out the window, a pickle!
>
> The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish
> English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the
> move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize
> Hebronics as a valid language and a siginificant attribute of American
> culture.
>
> According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College
> and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics
> derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as
> Yiddish.
>
> Professor Shulman explains,
> "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another
> question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
>
> Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "
>
> Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
> expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a
> word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains.
> Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"
>
> Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the
> end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
>
> Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the
> sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a
> turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he
> walks."
>
> "The responses must have that particular eastern European Jewish
> intonation", adds Dr. Shulman.
>
> Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling
> textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:
>
> Question: "What time is it?"
> English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
> Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"
>
> Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
> English answer: "Thanks."
> Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"
>
> Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
> English answer: "Be right there."
> Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the
> 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
>
> Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
> English answer: "Glad you like it."
> Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other
> ties I gave you?"
>
> Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
> English answer: "Congratulations!"
> Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
>
> Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
> English answer: "Just say when."
> Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
>
> To the guest of honour at a birthday party:
> English answer: "Happy birthday."
> Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."
>
> Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
> English answer: "Sure is."
> Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
>
> Answering a phone call from a son:
> English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
> Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
>
> Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you
> regardless if you send it to another
> few people!!!
>
Quote from: Friday
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..........
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
This is the best joke I have seen in a long time .... if you only knew how bad I need to laugh today , TY
A man was shipwrecked and washed p on a desert island with a sheepdog and a sheep.
A the days went on he missed the attentions of a woman.
He remembered stories about Sheperds and sheep from stories his father told him about the village in Greece that he had come from.
After a while the sheep started looking pretty good to him but, whenever he tried to approach it the dog would growl, menacingly.
One day a beautiful woman washed ashore, half dead. He nursed and few her back to health.
After a few weeks she said she knew he had been alone for some time and asked if there wasn't something she could do to thank him for saving her life.
He thought about it for a while and then said,
"Could you take the dog for a walk?"
Subject: Dad at the mall
> >
> > I took my dad to the mall the other day to
> > buy some new
> > shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a
> > bite at the food
> > court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
> > sitting next to
> > him.
> >
> > The teenager had spiked
> > hair in all
> > different colors: green, red, orange, and
> > blue. My dad kept
> > staring at him. The teenager would look and
> > find him staring
> > every time. When the teenager had had
> > enough, he
> > sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
> > man,
> > never done anything wild in your life?'
> > Knowing my Dad,
> > I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
> > not choke on his
> > response, knowing he would have a good one,
> > and in classic
> > style he did not bat an eye in his
> > response. 'Got drunk
once, and had sex with a peacock. I was
just wondering if
you were my son.'
It Pays to Speak German
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sh-t in it!"
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"
The Amish man shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"
I figured I'd better post this now before Lloyd finds it and uses it as another "rainey" joke.;D
BLONDE JOKE
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
How deep does the rabbit hole go??!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbl-vMN2gzo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVfVqfIN8_c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvpnjYEO0gc
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report Card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
Only in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the
article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
In summary; The police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
Friday.
Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his a! lleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment.
In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?
We can't see the images Lloyd...
They are in your webmail, not accessible to us.
fixed?
again
;D
http://ugliesttattoos.com/2009/09/27/funny-tattoos-whither-goest-thou-master-ihop-sweet/
(http://ugliesttattoos.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/baconcross_christopher-P.jpg)
Get out of the car now! (http://www.dump.com/2009/08/28/crazy-lady/)
Quote from: Pat McCotter on October 09, 2009, 09:48 AM NHFT
Get out of the car now! (http://www.dump.com/2009/08/28/crazy-lady/)
Someone please take Lloyd's gun away before he poisons the well with a senior moment. ;)
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319
I was trying hard to contain my laughter because I have a sleeping guest in the living room. This episode was hilarious.
It involves child welfare, rednecks hatin' on the gubment, and foster parents that take in kids just for the cash from gubment.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/101536/the-cleveland-show-the-one-about-friends
*snork*
;D
Dammit, Dale! One more thing in my internet viewing black hole!
I haven't managed to watch 'Cleveland' yet.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 18, 2009, 06:49 AM NHFT
I haven't managed to watch 'Cleveland' yet.
You should. So far it's better than Family Guy and American Dad, or maybe it just seems that way because it's fresh. Still, it's at least as good.
I have managed to insulate myself from all three of those and South Park. I did get drawn into The Simpsons at times but finally managed to overcome any desire to see it.
Family guy is well worth watching from the beginning. It is absurd. Look up absurd in the dictionary and you will find 'Family Guy'.
It takes place in Rhode Island (where we know you want to live) and they do the RI stuff well.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZTsdiIlN_8s/StKcfEu8PdI/AAAAAAAAIXw/t0crnz-hPrM/s400/obmacare-drug.jpg)
Thanks Dale. Hope you can see it now.
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully ...the bells are not always audible...
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 25, 2009, 05:49 AM NHFT
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZTsdiIlN_8s/StKcfEu8PdI/AAAAAAAAIXw/t0crnz-hPrM/s400/obmacare-drug.jpg)
That's a good one, Lloyd! ;D
Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....."
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
(http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a1280/a1280.gif)
There goes your cool spot in Hell.
When Death Star Fell
http://www.wimp.com/starfell/ (http://www.wimp.com/starfell/)
;D
"your all Drones, especially the Drones."
LOL
Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Digital Short: Firelight (http://www.hulu.com/embed/Ze2EnFNuQQLjoBA8ouWahA)
Quote from: Friday on November 28, 2009, 07:41 AM NHFT
Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Digital Short: Firelight
Oddly enough, it's not as stupid as the actual Twilight movie.
http://www.wimp.com/sciencejokes/ (http://www.wimp.com/sciencejokes/)
> > Four Cats
> >
> >
> >
> > Four men were bragging about how smart their
> > cats were.
> >
> > The first man was an Engineer,
> >
> > the second man was an Accountant,
> >
> > the third man was a Chemist, and
> >
> > the fourth man was a Government Employee.
> >
> >
> >
> > To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
> >
> > 'T-square, do your stuff.'
> >
> > T-square pranced over to the desk,
> >
> > took out some paper and pen and promptly
> >
> > drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
> >
> > Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
> >
> >
> >
> > But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
> >
> > He called his cat and said,
> >
> > 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
> >
> > Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and
> > returned with a dozen cookies.
> >
> > He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
> >
> > Everyone agreed that was pretty good!
> >
> >
> >
> > But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
> >
> > He called his cat and said,
> >
> > 'Measure, do your stuff.'
> >
> > Measure got up, walked to the fridge,
> >
> > took out a quart of milk,
> >
> > got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
> >
> > and poured exactly 8 ounces
> >
> > without spilling a drop into the glass.
> >
> > Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
> >
> >
> >
> > Then the three men turned to the
> >
> > Government Employee and said,
> >
> > 'What can your cat do?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The Government Employee called his cat and
> > said,
> >
> > 'Coffee Break, do your stuff..'
> >
> > Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ate the cookies..... ..
> >
> > drank the milk.......
> >
> > shit on the paper.......
> >
> >
> >
> > screwed the other three cats.......
> >
> > claimed he injured his back while doing
> > so.......
> >
> >
> >
> > filed a grievance report for unsafe working
> > conditions.......
> >
> >
> >
> > put in for Workers' Compensation. ..........
> > .....and
> >
> > went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
That was a true story?
I've been trying to find something funny about Obama sending 30,000 more soldiers to Afghanistan. Haven't found anything funny yet. :-\ This was interesting, though:
Hitler Reacts to Barak Obama Winning Nobel Peace Prize
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zNf6_ivPk4&feature=related#)
Quote from: Friday on December 03, 2009, 08:58 PM NHFT
I've been trying to find something funny about Obama sending 30,000 more soldiers to Afghanistan. Haven't found anything funny yet.
That's because there is nothing funny about what he's doing.
Quote from: lildog on December 04, 2009, 09:12 AM NHFT
Quote from: Friday on December 03, 2009, 08:58 PM NHFT
I've been trying to find something funny about Obama sending 30,000 more soldiers to Afghanistan. Haven't found anything funny yet.
That's because there is nothing funny about what he's doing.
Really, he disgusts me totally! >:(
I don't really have enough of them yet to post on my website, but I'm working on a selection of fun images with slogans to post on message forums, usually just to make a smart-assed remark, make fun of someone, etc. Meanwhile, you guys get early access. Please feel free to post these far and wide. They're meant for that as a sort of promotion for the site.
Quote from: dalebert on December 07, 2009, 10:05 AM NHFT
I don't really have enough of them yet to post on my website, but I'm working on a selection of fun images with slogans to post on message forums, usually just to make a smart-assed remark, make fun of someone, etc. Meanwhile, you guys get early access. Please feel free to post these far and wide. They're meant for that as a sort of promotion for the site.
8) idea...
Several people said they wanted t-shirts so now they can if they want.
http://www.cafepress.com/aiyh/6992391 (http://www.cafepress.com/aiyh/6992391)
(http://www.laughparty.com/funny-pictures/Dick-in-a-Truck-1269.jpg)
Santa slides down the chimney and is taking presents out of his bag and placing them under the tree.
"Ahem" he hears and turns to see a very attractive young lady, in a negligee, lying on a couch.
"'Spose you could stay a while, Santa?"
Clearing his throat, "Ho Ho Ho, got to go......lots of toy for girls and boys"
She stands with the light behind her, "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while, Santa?"
Breaking voice, "Ho ho ho....got to go....lots of toys for girls and boys..."
She reaches behind her back and the negligee falls to the floor, "Are ya sure,Santa?"
Dropping is bag, "Hey hey hey! May as well stay, can't get up the chimney, this way!"
Are you conveying a personal experience, Lloyd?
All the clues are there. He's an older guy yet surprisingly healthy. He makes toys out of wood with uncanny skill. I think Lloyd is hiding a secret!
Quote from: dalebert on December 16, 2009, 10:22 AM NHFT
I think Lloyd is hiding a secret!
...a secret that doesn't fit up a chimney.
Quote from: Mike Barskey on December 16, 2009, 10:35 AM NHFT
Quote from: dalebert on December 16, 2009, 10:22 AM NHFT
I think Lloyd is hiding a secret!
...a secret that doesn't fit up a chimney.
I wonder if he's been slipping candy canes to the tooth fairy (http://www.amazon.com/Santa-Steps-Out-Robert-Devereaux/dp/0843947810/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260994178&sr=8-1)?
Santa Claus :santa_new:
101 St. Nicholas Drive
North Pole, AK 99705
December 10th, 2009
Dearest Child:
Ho Ho Ho! How happy I was to receive your Christmas letter! I know you're probably wondering if
Santa thinks you've been naughty or nice this year! Well, I think we both know you've been more
than a little bad this year. But guess what, sweet child? Santa believes in second chances and
he's giving you one right now!
You see, sweetest one, this year, Santa needs your help for a change! He made a few bad investments
last year- and now, he's in a bit of money pinch! Can you believe that? I even had to let some elves
go last month- after centuries of working together! Why, it's as sad as my nose is red!
But do you know how Santa can get out of trouble? Well, with the help of a few good little boys and
girls, that's how! Are you one of those, my dear child? Oh, don't just tell me you're good- it's time
to show me! And here's how you can!
You just walk right over to your Mommy's purse (or Daddy's wallet). Wait until they're not looking,
of course! Pull out a dollar- or ten- or even more if you really want to impress me! Then just put it
in an envelope and mail it to the address above! It's all you need to do to go from naughty to nice in
my big list! (And oh, don't worry- your parents have been very bad this year- they had this coming!)
Of course, if you're not able to help Santa out this year, I wouldn't get too excited about Christmas
morning. Not unless you're hoping to do some charcoal grilling for New Year's! Ho ho no!
I've to run- the collection agents are calling again and I've got to try to buy myself a bit more time!
They've already put a lien on the North Pole! Curse those @#$%@ bankers!
Very sincerely hoping you'll come through for me like I always have for you!
love, Santa
p.s. - I've included a photo of Rudolph with this letter! Isn't his red-nose a delight! I just hope Santa's able to keep that nose a-glowing! If things get any worse for poor ole Santa, Mrs. Claus may be using a bit of that coal to grill up some Rudolph the Red-Nosed Fajitas! Ho ho ho! But I know you won't let it come to that, will you?
Venison Fajitas! UUuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm.........
I didn't get one for Xmas. Oh noes.
audio NSFW
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y&NR=1&feature=fvwp#)
recipe for Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again,
to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again..
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok,
try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure
to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas! :drunken_smilie:
John David's quotes of the day, delivered at the dinner table:
"I just said a prayer which wasn't the Lord's Prayer but was a prayer in Christianity and it was very deep. It was so deep it was deeper than the deepest party of the ocean which is where most sea monsters live."
And in response to a suggestion that he was silly like his big brother:
"Dude, no way, I am never going to be in the Army because the bosses are so mean and call you names like 'Inglorious Bast...' ummmmm 'bleep'. The 'bleep' was going to be 'Basterds' but I'm not allowed to say that so I said 'bleep'."
And then I choked to death on my bratwurst.
Cute :)
You'd think that our airport security wouldn't stink, considering that those T.S.A. guys have all of our mouthwash, toothpaste, and deodorant over three ounces. – Neil Berliner
"the system worked"
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano
"our system did not work"
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano
"I'm a boob, I'm a great big boob!", Kelsey Grammer.
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_k_a-p6bRzYg/SwgdHWen8PI/AAAAAAAAAFA/2P-xiGVCAuE/s1600/803_0353.jpg)
98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND Y'ALL WATCH THIS.'
Star Wars weather (http://www.tomscott.com/weather/starwars/)
"It's like Hoth out there!" :_eatsnow__by_Conuyaku:
"You may have to climb inside a tauntaun for warmth."
EXERCISE PROGRAM
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
;D
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes, and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
I can add to that list. I hope it's okay if I don't use all caps.
#8 My step-father always said you could use dog shit for chapped lips. It won't moisturise, but it keeps you from licking your lips.
#9 An aspirin can be an effective form of birth-control when used correctly. The correct usage-- hold one aspirin between your knees.
I'm gonna have to delete that due to lack of capitals.
Dog shit always works better in all caps.... DOG SHIT.
Works better with licking your lips too... LICKING YOUR LIPS.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on January 08, 2010, 03:34 PM NHFT
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
>:D
Thanks for the laugh, Llloyd! These two were my favorites.
Those were really funny, Lloyd. :D
Porcupines and Pineapples
Jump to 12:30
Hulu - Family Guy: Big Man On Hippocampus - Watch the full episode now. (http://www.hulu.com/embed/NWVAIDkRKsBjH4mcfpdQPw)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7SzB58qHI0&feature=player_embedded# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7SzB58qHI0&feature=player_embedded#)
Found this while researching 'toxic bile'
http://blog.davidhoyle.com/2009/05/16/doctors-remove-toxic-bile-from-dick-cheney/ (http://blog.davidhoyle.com/2009/05/16/doctors-remove-toxic-bile-from-dick-cheney/)
Doctors remove toxic bile from Dick Cheney
What possessed you to research 'toxic bile'?
A book I was reading mentioned eliminating 'toxic bile' and I wondered why bile would be toxic.
As I understand it, any bile is eliminated from the digestive track by attaching to soluble fiber and passing out.
Oatmeal...
Then the body replaces the bile by pulling cholesterol from the bloodstream.
The 'HUMOR' thread isn't humorous any more.
I think the moderators should force feed it oatmeal until funny shit starts coming out again. :horse:
It is called Thunder Crap.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Kazoonhite!
Hatch Who?
Eats, shoots, and leaves.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have
turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .
ABBOTT : What about Windows?
COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT : Wallpaper.
COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT : Software for Windows?
COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use
to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT : I just did.
COSTELLO : You just did what?
ABBOTT : Recommend something.
COSTELLO : You recommended something ?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : For my office?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT : Word..
COSTELLO : What word?
ABBOTT : Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office..
ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if
you don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT : Yes... No extra charge.
COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT : One copy.
COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............
Quote from: Pat McCotter on January 22, 2010, 07:19 AM NHFT
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............
Haha! Just yesterday my mom needed me to remind her how to turn her new comp off. She said "I click on START to turn it OFF?!!"
This one is not only funny, but it has a little fable about violence at the end.
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvmGvugjH6Q#)
There's a window display in a shop on Keene's Main Street with a much pleasanter version of the same fable.
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
for dinner.Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they
discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that
they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in
peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a
great idea because they have never been there before.
Forwarded to me:
This man, 73,
is wearing a protective flap
over his ear while
Joe Biden, Barack Obama and
Nancy Pelosi address the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
I wish I could shake this man's hand.
I just want to know where
he got it.....?
Quote from: KBCraig on January 15, 2010, 12:43 AM NHFT
Eats, shoots, and leaves.
Is there a video missing or is this a guessing question?
I say a kahlua bear because Rick doesn't leave! ;D
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMr3QO2Sbc#)
This is a public service message.
To paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't...
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop...
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of you know what...
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
;D ;D ;D ;D
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XTwWqzKeXc#)
The 2012 Zombie Apocalypse might be fun... depends on which end of the shotgun I get.
Dogs Just Know!
http://randysbusylife.blogspot.com/2007/11/dogs-just-know.html (http://randysbusylife.blogspot.com/2007/11/dogs-just-know.html)
This may not suitable for work. Or sanity. And the dancing banana emoticon has never been more appropriate.
:bdance2:
Rejected by Don Hertzfeldt
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ#)
Quote from: Friday on February 09, 2010, 06:12 PM NHFT
Rejected by Don Hertzfeldt
I've seen it many, many, many times and I'm still not tired of it!
Guy walks into the butcher and orders one of the large pepperonis.
The butcher asks "Do you want me to slice that for you?"
"Slice it? Jeethus Critht! What do you think my ass is? A piggy-bank?"
Stickers. Mostly for seniors.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone
Else And Seek Counseling.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Channeling Your Inner Blonde (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHcAjBOPnP8#)
Just heard the Obama administration will be honoring
the 43rd president George W. Bush by naming the gap
between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.
The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault".
For decades pundits have been saying that The New Orleans Saints Were so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.
On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. Was paralyzed under several Feet of snow and the Government was shut down.
I suppose we now know where hell really is...
Just in case you get a check...
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and
A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-def TV set,
thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
1 If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go
to China.
2 If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3 If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4 If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go
to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
5 If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6 If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7 If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay
management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 going to baseball or football games, or
3 hiring prostitutes, or
4 buying cheap beer or
5 getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in
the US .
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a
prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're
drunk enough to go get tattoo.
Some good humor to start your week.
Origin unknown.
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was in shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mommy, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. "Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
LiveLeak.com - Awesome News Room Fight (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=a9c_1267706485)
True Love
Little Billy and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Billy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says,
'Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
'Well, Billy, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, 'In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
'Okay then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny.'
Again, Billy instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month
and that should do us just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
'Well, Billy, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?'
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
Retiree Bathtub Test:
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
(http://www.pajamadeen.com/images/bud-gregg-state-farm-insurance-mandeville-louisiana-obama-billboard.jpg)
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1002-h1.png)
Schools Require Drinking? (http://probablybadnews.com/2010/03/20/funny-news-schools-require-drinking/)
or
Monks perfect their brewing
(http://cheezprobablybadnews.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129132459506659715.jpg)
You can't make this stuph up.
Driving while shaving: woman crashes car while trimming her private parts (http://www.examiner.com/x-662-Strange-News-Examiner~y2010m3d8-Driving-while-shaving-woman-crashes-car-while-trimming-her-private-parts)
Megan Mariah Barnes, a 37-year-old Florida resident, was so excited to be meeting her boyfriend in Key West that she decided to use the travel time to do a little extra grooming.
But Ms. Barnes, cruising Highway 1 behind the wheel of her Ford Thunderbird, wasn't applying extra lipstick or tweezing her eyebrows; she was preparing her bikini line by doing a little lady gardening.
According to the Florida Highway Patrol, Barnes' Thunderbird rammed a pickup truck causing minor injuries to the three passengers inside. Barnes, whose ex-husband was with her in the vehicle, drove about a half-mile past the accident scene, where it is alleged that she pulled over to switch places with her former hubby so that Barnes wouldn't appear to have been behind the wheel.
The groomer, it seems, was more concerned with the perception that she was smuggling Larry Fine in her swimsuit than she was with her previous day's conviction for driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license.
"She said she was meeting her boyfriend and wanted to be ready for the visit," Florida State Trooper Gary Dunick told the Florida Citizen, "If I wouldn't have been there I wouldn't have believed it."
Dunick wasn't specific on whether the disbelief stemmed from the act itself or the enormous amount of 'deforestation' needed.
Authorities said the woman's ex-husband was holding the wheel from the passenger seat while she attempted to shave. After plowing into the pick-up as it slowed to make a turn, the pair drove just far enough out of sight to change seats.
Unfortunately, that story failed to dispel police suspicion thanks to the deployment of the passenger side airbag, which left her husband, Charles Judy, with airbag burns on his chest.
The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy.
In addition to her conviction and license revocation, Barnes is now facing charges of driving with a revoked license, reckless driving and driving with no insurance. She also faces a charge of leaving the scene of an accident with injuries.
"About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot," Trooper Dunick said, "who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it."
What seems to be a cute and innocent-looking flash drive puppy... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI-pct3zy18#)
That story is all sorts of weird. You'd think there would be some awkwardness with trimming oneself with an ex-husband right there. And then the needles from before?
coming soon, to an auto dealership near you
http://www.freedomaction.net/video/the-2012-pelosi-gtxi-ssrt (http://www.freedomaction.net/video/the-2012-pelosi-gtxi-ssrt)
That is really well written...
E has noticed that you never see a manly man driving a Prius. ;D
Dear Lord,In the past year you have taken away my favorite actor (Patrick Swayze) my favorite actress (Farah Fawcett) my favorite musician (Michael Jackson) and my favorite salesperson (Billy Mays). I just wanted to let you know that my favorite legislator is NancyPelosi. Amen
======
Origin unknown; I lifted it from a FaceBook post.
Let's have a party!!!!
Rules for Bullshit Bingo
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit
Bingo" card by drawing a square
(I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five
across and five down.
That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.)
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
. Restored our reputation
. Strategic fit
. Let me be clear
. Make no mistake
. Back from the brink
. Signs of recovery
. Out of the loop
. Benchmark
. Job creation
. Fiscal restraint
. Win-win
. Affordable health care
. Previous Administration
. Greed on Wall Street
. At the end of the day
. Empower (or empowerment)
. Touch base
. Mindset
. Corporate greed
. Ballpark
. Game plan
. Leverage
. Inherited as in "I inherited this mess?"
. Relief for working families
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout
"BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." -
Jack W., Boston
"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D.,
Florida
"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." -
Bill R., New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the
fifth box." - Ben G., Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third
time in two hours." - Harry A, Chantilly
Web Site Story (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1913584)
My New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the
radio was voice activated
Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and
'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if
I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The United States"
Damn I love this truck!!!!!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Five: One to screw in a new bulb, and four to beat the crap out of the old one.
:duh:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I think I'll send those to Russell, Friday. He'll be so bored in jail that he'll even read puns :)
Quote from: Friday on April 18, 2010, 05:11 PM NHFT
:duh:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
You realize you're just encouraging Sam A. Robrin. Shame on you!
Quote from: dalebert on April 19, 2010, 06:46 AM NHFT
Quote from: Friday on April 18, 2010, 05:11 PM NHFT
:duh:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
You realize you're just encouraging Sam A. Robrin. Shame on you!
"Can we just change the subject now?"
"
Mais oui."
"All right--
May we just change the subject now?"
My submissions in response to this post on Cyanide & Happiness:
http://www.explosm.net/comics/2021/
Quote from: dalebert on April 21, 2010, 10:29 PM NHFT
My submissions in response to this post on Cyanide & Happiness:
http://www.explosm.net/comics/2021/
Damn Dale... way to show those people how to make comic. :)
Wish me luck on getting selected for display on his page. There's lots of competition. You can see some of it here--
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kris-Wilson/96452604801?v=wall&ref=ts
BTW, if you Facebook, finding my comics on that page and clicking "like" or leaving a comment might help. >:D
They've been pushed off the front page, but you should only have to click "Older posts" a couple times to find them.
UPDATE:
Duh! I can link right to them.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kris-Wilson/96452604801?v=wall&ref=ts#!/photo.php?pid=1141864&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=96452604801&aid=-1&id=1388216621
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kris-Wilson/96452604801?v=wall&ref=ts#!/photo.php?pid=1141695&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=96452604801&aid=-1&id=1388216621
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
That was funny!
Punched in the Face for Earth Day! Indy Mogul original short (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM7GA-2VnRY#ws)
Anti-cop sentiment: http://is.gd/bSYY9 (http://is.gd/bSYY9)
http://www.pianoworld.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/1389127/ (http://www.pianoworld.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/1389127/)
http://www.reallywarped.com/if_women_controlled_the_world.htm (http://www.reallywarped.com/if_women_controlled_the_world.htm)
Quote from: Mike Barskey on May 03, 2010, 08:51 PM NHFT
Anti-cop sentiment: http://is.gd/bSYY9 (http://is.gd/bSYY9)
It hadn't been dugg yet. Wow. Now it has so bump it up.
http://digg.com/people/Sign_MenUp (http://digg.com/people/Sign_MenUp)
http://davegranlund.com/cartoons/2010/04/23/arizona-profiling-and-obama/ (http://davegranlund.com/cartoons/2010/04/23/arizona-profiling-and-obama/)
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on May 06, 2010, 05:57 AM NHFT
http://www.pianoworld.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/1389127/ (http://www.pianoworld.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/1389127/)
(http://www.pianoworld.com/forumpicts/Men_Fix_Anything/image0062.jpg)
When I was hitchhiking this year, someone had the same set-up for their door handle and window rolling.
http://www.funtasticus.com/2010/04/08/bad-situations/ (http://www.funtasticus.com/2010/04/08/bad-situations/)
(http://img.funtasticus.com/2008/nov/040810damn/owned_14.jpg)
Yet again, I've brought someone to speechlessness?
He thinks he posted it. We don't want to disillusion him.
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the windshield!"
Johnny and his dad are strollin' through the park, beautiful day...takin' in the sights, kid's full of why
this and why that..Dad trying to teach him about community and how the rules and government help every one...so far all around great time.....until they happen across a couple dogs off in the bushes, also enjoying their day...lots. Dad just keeps walkin' tries not to notice but of course Johnny stops dead and has to ask..."Dad what are those two dogs doing over there?".....Umm..Uh.....(determined to give this a positive spin)...well you see son the one on the top, he's hurt... see how he's convulsing?...and uh the uh...the one on the bottom..is helping him get to the hospital see?..cause it's his civic duty...... Johnny wise beyond his years ponders a bit on his dads explanation finally rejecting it for his own...Dad if the one on top told the one on bottom he's doing his doing his civic duty.....near as I can tell the one on top is surely from the government, and from the looks of it... it's tax time again. ;D
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on May 09, 2010, 06:10 PM NHFT
He thinks he posted it. We don't want to disillusion him.
I can see the picture just fine. ;D :blush:
My mother sent this Internet Warning:
From: Marcia <mom@yahoo.com> (email changed to protect the innocent)
Subject: Fw: Fwd: INTERNET WARNING
INTERNET WARNING
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,
don't open it....It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi
;D
i skipped the puns
How do you identify them if you're skipping them :qm:
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on May 12, 2010, 07:51 AM NHFTHow do you identify them if you're skipping them :qm:
Puns have a distinct odor.
Joe
Dr Visit for a colonoscopy
I went into my proctologist's office
For my first rectal exam
His new nurse, Evelyn,
Took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer ...
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused
This is my first exam .
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ..
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"
Clocks In Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life.."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
;D
Billy was fishing last week, caught him a mess of fish, had 'em all in a bucket.
About then the game warden came by and asked Billy, "You been fishin'?"
"Nope, not fishin,'" said Billy, because he didn't have a license. Fortunately, Billy had already stowed away his tackle and was now getting ready to clean the fish.
"Looks like you got you a mess o' fish," said the warden.
"Oh, those fish. Those are my pet fish," said Billy.
"Pet fish?" asked the warden, suspicious.
"Yea. I just bring 'em down here to exercise."
"Exercise?" asked the warden.
"Yea, I put 'em in the lake, let 'em swim around, and then I whistle and they all jump back in the bucket."
The warden, even more suspicious now, said, "Let's see that."
Billy picked up the bucket and dumped all the fish in the lake. They promptly swam away. He and the warden stood looking out over the lake.
After a while the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said Billy.
"Aren't you gonna whistle?" asked the warden.
"Whistle?" asked Billy.
"Yea, for the fish," said the warden.
"What fish?" asked Billy.
I want this t-shirt (http://www.cafepress.com/hgoa.181444#)!
(http://images4.cpcache.com/product/181444v1_350x350_Front_Color-White.jpg)
Geek guide to planets. Serious side-scrolling required. ;)
http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FINALgeekGALAXY21.jpg (http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FINALgeekGALAXY21.jpg)
(http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FINALgeekGALAXY21.jpg)
[note: Australians and New Zealanders like to dis each other]
A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going, mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Aussie (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake now and again to play."
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements."
Aussie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Aussie (in a panic): "The sheep's a compulsive liar."
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D. C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out
Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's
sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.
Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.
Nancy Pelosi is also
a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California .
The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal
concluded, "But, when compared with Obama and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
I haven't taken the time to catch up on this tread in WAY too long ....
Just thought I'd jump in to give early warning (to the HUMOR thread crowd) that I'm considering having an Open Mike Comedy Night at the Peaceful Assembly Church (860 Main St., Grafton).
It might not happen for a while but - You've now been warned. ;D
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'm thirsty. Give me a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'm thirsty, too. Give me a pint of blood."
The third one says, "I'm thirsty, too, but I'm on a diet. Give me a pint of plasma."
The bartender turns to his assistant and yells, "Two Bloods and a Blood Light!"
Ran across this a while back. Found it funny, not sure if it's true though.
---------------------
The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an
exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates built the U.S. Railroads. ( although I seem to remember in my history class
something about competing gauges used by different companies to prevent other companies from
connecting to their lines)
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people
who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge
then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any
other spacing, the wagon wheels would break some of the old, long distance roads! In England,
because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome
built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been
used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome,
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were
made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now here's the twist to this story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached
to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make
them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB's had
to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design
feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass....
And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important?
Quote from: 41mag on August 19, 2010, 10:58 PM NHFT
Ran across this a while back. Found it funny, not sure if it's true though.
Yep, it's a good read but nope, not true.
http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp (http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp)
:D
Way to ruin a good story, Pat? :P
:icon_pirat:
it still could be a lot wider though
i guess the germans tried to build 2 parallel lines in places to move really big guns
it didn't work out very well
(heard this one recently... thought I'd share...)
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
On railroads:
One historical reason why the CSA lost that little conflict about 150 years ago was because they were very "free market" oriented and allowed the three different major railroads in the South to run with different gages. That meant that in order to get supplies from point A to point B, it sometimes took unloading and reloading them from one carrier to another. While in the USA all gages were required by the government to be the same size which allowed the freight cars to simply be uncoupled from one carrier and recoupled to a different carrier.
At least that's what I was told in a history class years and years ago...
YMMV...
Quote from: Pat McCotter on August 20, 2010, 04:47 AM NHFT
Quote from: 41mag on August 19, 2010, 10:58 PM NHFT
Ran across this a while back. Found it funny, not sure if it's true though.
Yep, it's a good read but nope, not true.
http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp (http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp)
:D
It is true, though, that Stephen Monier's ass is 4 feet 8.5 inches wide.
"Fear the Boom and Bust" a Hayek vs. Keynes Rap Anthem
"Fear the Boom and Bust" a Hayek vs. Keynes Rap Anthem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0nERTFo-Sk&feature=player_embedded#ws)
I hope MengerFan sees this. :)
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
Two Lessons
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up so she took them home and ate them.
The two lessons here are:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
http://failblog.org/2010/09/23/epic-fail-photos-gloomy-day-win/ (http://failblog.org/2010/09/23/epic-fail-photos-gloomy-day-win/)
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/129102231738038661.jpg)
http://epicwinftw.com/2010/09/23/awesome-photos-quite-the-win/ (http://epicwinftw.com/2010/09/23/awesome-photos-quite-the-win/)
(http://epicwinftw.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/129205764290248905.jpg)
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/129075018029300619.jpg) (http://failblog.org/2010/10/01/epic-fail-photos-invisible-fence-fail/)
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
If you are 40, or older..............
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shop lift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8] And we didn't have hi-tech Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) OUR parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. If you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly; and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
The Over 40 Crowd should remember this attributed to Socrates (469 BC-399 BC):
The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on October 08, 2010, 10:14 AM NHFT
The Over 40 Crowd should remember this attributed to Socrates (469 BC-399 BC):
The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates' statement was a critique of teachers not the children.
I have never known a teacher who would rather exercise than chatter.
Nor have I known a teacher that didn't love luxury, they get their own lounge.
I do know teachers who show contempt and contradict others.
If children are tyrants, it's because they are good students.
Your parents probably didn't encourage you to talk with strangers
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on October 08, 2010, 03:03 PM NHFT
Your parents probably didn't encourage you to talk with strangers
Or them.
How did you know? :D
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
Got this one from the fine joke thread over at anti-state.com (http://anti-state.com/forum/index.php?board=3;action=display;threadid=8335;start=420):
An Italian boy's confession:
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
;D
http://news.mydaily.com/2010/10/12/barking-brew/?ncid=webmail (http://news.mydaily.com/2010/10/12/barking-brew/?ncid=webmail)
Good dog!
Quote from: Pat K on October 17, 2010, 09:42 PM NHFT
Good dog!
COMMERCIAL Stroh's Beer - Trained dog (1984) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhHD_5F1I7g#)
Followed by...
1987 Stroh's Beer Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7OEv55hNHo#)
;D
http://work.failblog.org/2010/10/15/job-lols-boy-do-i-hate-being-right-all-the-time/ (http://work.failblog.org/2010/10/15/job-lols-boy-do-i-hate-being-right-all-the-time/)
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/10/15/93745273-3f0a-426e-85ca-19ec898e651c.jpg)
Although it was indeed a very cute chick, Sir Johnson decided to phrase his next two wishes a bit more carefully.
Don't think of it as being vastly outnumbered, think of it as having a very wide selection of targets.
Just sent by a friend, this morning:
Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft!
Joe
OOOOOOOOOOOOH that hurt. ;D
The Considerate Husband Always Gets His Due
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine. He mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is still under investigation.)
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "that was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that darn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
lol
Good to see you back. :)
Why thank you! Never really went away; just hang out more on FaceCrack now. :P
it did make me laugh
Quote from: Pat McCotter on October 29, 2010, 01:35 PM NHFT
The Considerate Husband
I kept laughing louder and louder as i read
i was just imagining how thoughtful this guy was when he dropped his wife off on his way to the fishin hole
I don't really understand why I was laughing at this, but I laughed a lot. It's retarded.
Cyanide & Happiness - Ted Bear (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD7PB-6TWrg#ws)
Cyanide & Happiness - Ted Bear (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD7PB-6TWrg#ws)
A man's driving down a rural road when a lady leans out the window of a car going the opposite way and shouts "PIG!"
He leans out and shouts "BITCH!"
Around the next corner, he suddenly comes up on a huge sow waddling slowly across the road. He turns sharply to avoid it,hits a tree head on and dies.
Men don't listen.
> > The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher...
> >
> > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
> myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
> second grade classroom a few years back.
> >
> > When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
> sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
> show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
> airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
> ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug
> it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
> >
> > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
> kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
> pillow stuffed under her sweater.
> >
> > She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
> and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
> >
> > 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
> put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
> months through an umbrella cord.'
> >
> > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
> to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
> her in amazement.
> >
> > 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
> Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked
> around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing
> a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> >
> > 'My Dad called the middle wife.. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
> have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
> down in bed like this..' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
> wall.)
> >
> > 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
> he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
> psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
> water flowing away. It was too much!)
> >
> > 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
> breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
> of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that
> they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be
> a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
> for crawling up in there.'
> >
> > Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
> seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
> show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
> Wife' comes along.
;D
From the mouths of babes!
(http://politicalgraffiti.com/nhfree/images/2489361.4417.big.gif)
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered...(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3a.jpg)
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3b.jpg)
Wait for it. wait for it...
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3b.jpg)
You're just going to love this... (http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3c.jpg)
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3b.jpg)
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1011-h3d.png)
(http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lddrjk3Me51qzpwi0o1_500.gif)
Oh those wacky germans...
TV-Spot Kackel Dackel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6nmHzPCTdw#ws)
At least it's not a Tootsie Roll that your suppose to eat after the anal extrusion.
http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12320_senior-love-story.html (http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12320_senior-love-story.html)
:biglaugh:
Bear with me if you remember the last 3 or 4 times I posted this joke.
__________________________________
Santa had just come down the chimney and was spreading gifts under the tree:
"ahem"
He turns and before him is a really beautiful young woman lying on a couch, wearing a see thru negligee.
"Do you think you can stay a while Santa?"
Santa cleared his throat and said, "Ho Ho Ho! Got To Go! Lots of toys for girls and boys!"
She stands with the light behind her. "Are you sure you can't stay, Santa?"
"Ho Ho Ho! Got To Go! Lots of toys for girls and boys!" Santa squeaked.
She reaches up to shoulders and the negligee falls to the floor. "Just for a little while, Santa"
Dropping his bag to the floor, "Hey Hey Hey! May as well stay! Can't get back up the chimney this way!
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Maine for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, an 'Obama' cap and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot black bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I have heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
lol :D
(http://i.imgur.com/jFNPk.jpg)
Where do you get the miniature carrots?
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on December 22, 2010, 12:00 PM NHFT
Where do you get the miniature carrots?
No idea. Maybe he used giant cookies and giant marshmallows because he couldn't get miniature carrots.
here's one from my dad the New Yorker:
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it... I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land
area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on earth. It is
surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests, hills, and
plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be handsome and
beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace
and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Yes. Further south is Washington, DC. Wait till you
see the idiots I put there."
lots of funny stuph
(http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/badge.jpg) (http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=620)
(http://arafwchnawr.com/images/2511012.761.big.gif.jpeg)
A Little-Known Christmas Story :icon_santa:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. :angel4:
Not a lot of people know this.
[Never expected to find this thread under Endless Debate and Whining » Childish Board, but I did look under Insufferable Peppiness and Gloating]
Just got this from my dad:
Quote98% of visitors say "OH SHIT" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Minnesota and they say, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
He also sent this attached picture.
We all know this kindly vet, don't we.
Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddamn cat!'
A little wedding humor:
Funny video in Church (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQWI1VIHqCg#)
Was warned about this in boot camp, and sure enough it happened on a regular basis. When people are standing for a long time, if they aren't careful to avoid locking their knees, it obstructs blood flow and you can pass out. Heat, certain foods in your stomach, biological predispositions, etc. can all make it worse.
LOL :P :P :P ????
one of those ministers was just getting a closer look at the bride's breasts
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the chief boatswain that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The chief responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The chief went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better.
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1101-h01.jpg)
And that's why the chicken crossed the road.
http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/nl1101.html (http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/nl1101.html)
;D ;D ;D ;D
:biglaugh:
That was a great one Pat!
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
LIFE EXPLAINED:
God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
Then God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
In turn, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
outstanding
the other guys in this thread are at the monkey trick stage
http://dougstumblr.tumblr.com/post/3233900394 (http://dougstumblr.tumblr.com/post/3233900394)
(http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/pix/nl1102-h01.jpg) (http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/nl1102.html)
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's white-out all over the screen.
;D
> A redneck from Arkansas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dun & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumnus of the University of Arkansas , a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world, and that your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
>
> The good 'ole Arkansas boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
>
> His name was BUBBA..
Proposed cuts to the National Health Service
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's new health care proposals.
The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.
The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ear, nose and throat specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, whilst the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arses in London.
http://www.frostheaves.com/2011/03/yoga-for-yankees.html (http://www.frostheaves.com/2011/03/yoga-for-yankees.html)
Cool, I was just coming over here to post that. :)
Good stuff. And, "easy for beginnas."
The next fahm is "Roof reiki".
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio'. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
=
funny stuph
My older sister Beverly sent it to me. You remember her. The kinda conservative one without gray hair.
Quote from: Lloyd Danforth on March 30, 2011, 08:55 PM NHFT
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio'. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
=
I love this one ! :biglaugh: So it meant he had a 10 inch penis, right? Gosh, I had a boyfriend like that one time, minus the cars and money, too big for me. :-\
A congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
:occasion14:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. ;D
Quote from: Friday on April 16, 2011, 06:44 PM NHFT5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Why? Honesty is much better. Far less drama.
Joe
What a Real Woman Does
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will inspire him to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
No wait...sorry...I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does.
Never mind....
hehe
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
The reason you don't see people in Washington playing marbles is that one has to have lost them to be there.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on April 30, 2011, 08:44 AM NHFT
What a Real Woman Does
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will inspire him to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
No wait...sorry...I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does.
Never mind....
So are you the instigator of the new Foamin'est movement?
Obamacare:
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport
..
..
..
..you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and...
..
..
..
..if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy!
(http://nationalpostnews.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/riot34.jpg)
Vancouver is for lovers
Quote from: Friday on June 05, 2011, 02:11 PM NHFT
Obamacare:
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport
..
..
..
..you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and...
..
..
..
..if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy!
This one is great ! :biglaugh:
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she did and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
did the biker jump?'
A Biker jumped off a bridge and met a Beautiful Angel on the way down........
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
;D
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Quote from: KBCraig on July 11, 2011, 02:48 AM NHFT
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
That reminds me, when Cooper was my roommate, he would sometimes mention that he was a really sound sleeper and could sleep through anything. One time I said, "Yeah, I know." He gave me a really evil look.
Quote from: dalebert on July 11, 2011, 07:32 AM NHFT
That reminds me, when Cooper was my roommate, he would sometimes mention that he was a really sound sleeper and could sleep through anything. One time I said, "Yeah, I know." He gave me a really evil look.
;D
http://www.sl-webs.com/deesillustration/artwork.asp?cat=satire (http://www.sl-webs.com/deesillustration/artwork.asp?cat=satire)
http://i.imgur.com/rZyfb.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/rZyfb.jpg)
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_9F9_RUESS2E/TLxGePTx1CI/AAAAAAAADwU/xK5g4w7OuEI/s800/pod0021-amazing-message.jpg)
But isn't something happening all the time?
i didn't notice anything
Mac V PC (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v75DuRV1uSo#ws)
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"
Jeffrey Jay at the Improv in Addison (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dshk2Df2ihQ#)
"It's not a book club. It's my church group."
"But that's a book club, right? It's just always the same shitty book."
Surfin´ Bulldog (Beach Boys - Surfin´ USA) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqxTUxzOceE#ws)
http://www.kspr.com/news/local/kspr-3000-pair-of-panties-dumped-along-ohio-roadway-20110901,0,4089405.story (http://www.kspr.com/news/local/kspr-3000-pair-of-panties-dumped-along-ohio-roadway-20110901,0,4089405.story)
Ruff surf and I would not want to drawers a conclusion.
Quote from: Pat McCotter on July 30, 2011, 07:21 AM NHFT
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"
I had to laugh at that one for a while.
I've seen something like this before, but this one seems improved.
One RETIRED HUSBAND's Adventures!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while
he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!
;D ;D ;D ;D
I have done some of these things.
I'M JUST SAYIN' !!!!!
Another way to look at the Debt Ceiling
Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your home and you have sewage up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do?
Raise the ceilings or pump out the crap?
I wonder if he and PatK visited other stores.
I guess only banksters raise debt ceilings.
(my annual Christmas joke)
Santa slides down the chimney and is taking presents out of his bag and placing them under the tree.
"Ahem" he hears and turns to see a very attractive young lady, in a negligee, lying on a couch.
"'Spose you could stay a while, Santa?"
Clearing his throat, "Ho Ho Ho, got to go......lots of toy for girls and boys"
She stands with the light behind her, "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while, Santa?"
Breaking voice, "Ho ho ho....got to go....lots of toys for girls and boys..."
She reaches behind her back and the negligee falls to the floor, "Are ya sure,Santa?"
Dropping is bag, "Hey hey hey! May as well stay, can't get up the chimney, this way!"
Ultimate Dog Tease (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw#)
our Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
ouch
http://www.motifake.com/ask-and-shall-given-you-ask-mace-occupy-demotivational-posters-154572.html
Wait till this year Mace's Thanksgiving Day parade.
Quote from: Silent_Bob on July 27, 2012, 09:08 PM NHFT
http://www.motifake.com/ask-and-shall-given-you-ask-mace-occupy-demotivational-posters-154572.html
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1205/ask-and-it-shall-be-given-you-ask-mace-occupy-demotivational-posters-1337706878.jpg)
(You can use the image tag to post the image directly) :)
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womens restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,' Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor thatin turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
That was very bad :)
That is very bad--but if most of those ideas were adapted by activists to fit suitable targets, the results would be very good!
A Joke about the IRS
The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
;D 8)
Putin on the Ritz.
(http://i649.photobucket.com/albums/uu213/Yaktung/putin2_auto_zpsc03c6fcd.gif)
Friday Humor: The TSA's 12 Banned Items Of Christmas
Only in the The Land Of The Free... (and always remember - it's for your own good).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=luNfghUnvFg
(http://i.imgur.com/QCrjCq5.jpg)
(http://i997.photobucket.com/albums/af96/jamboe1/iini_zpseqn2flfl.gif)
(https://reasoningconspiracy.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/jeblary.jpg?w=652)
I think this is hilarious. What difference does it make? Absolutely none.
Right up there with the "Weiner-Holder 2016" campaign! ;D
JEB BUSH TO AWARD HILLARY 'LIBERTY MEDAL' ON EVE OF BENGHAZI ANNIVERSARY (http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2013/09/09/jeb-bush-to-award-hillary-clinton-liberty-medal/)
OMG we're doomed. ;D :'(
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/2f/7c/3a/2f7c3a470965d79999d8c89ff84a8894.jpg)
9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
Quote from: eglove on January 26, 2016, 08:16 PM NHFT
9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
that is sad
what have her parents been feeding her mind?
Quote from: eglove on January 26, 2016, 08:16 PM NHFT
9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
This is the Humor thread, not the child-abuse mind-control thread.
Quote from: KBCraig on January 26, 2016, 10:17 PM NHFTQuote from: eglove on January 26, 2016, 08:16 PM NHFT9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
This is the Humor thread, not the child-abuse mind-control thread.
Seriously. Nothing funny about that.
Quote from: MaineShark on January 27, 2016, 07:42 AM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 26, 2016, 10:17 PM NHFTQuote from: eglove on January 26, 2016, 08:16 PM NHFT9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
This is the Humor thread, not the child-abuse mind-control thread.
Seriously. Nothing funny about that.
You'll be alright.
Quote from: eglove on January 27, 2016, 12:01 PM NHFT
Quote from: MaineShark on January 27, 2016, 07:42 AM NHFT
Quote from: KBCraig on January 26, 2016, 10:17 PM NHFTQuote from: eglove on January 26, 2016, 08:16 PM NHFT9-year-old's reaction to getting to see Donald Trump. (https://youtu.be/8_GHUz_v5R0)
This is the Humor thread, not the child-abuse mind-control thread.
Seriously. Nothing funny about that.
You'll be alright.
Will I be alright, cause I don't feel alright... tell me I'll be alright as well.
What am I a doctor? Here, try this: http://www.deathclock.cc/ (http://www.deathclock.cc/)
Quote from: eglove on January 28, 2016, 10:27 PM NHFT
What am I a doctor? Here, try this: http://www.deathclock.cc/ (http://www.deathclock.cc/)
Well, I'll not plan anything else for that day.
But, I'm not really feeling any better. Maybe your right, you're not a doctor.
scary kids and deathclocks .... this is some harse humor
Quote from: Russell Kanning on January 29, 2016, 09:17 AM NHFT
scary kids and deathclocks .... this is some harse humor
Some just want to watch the world burn.
man another dose of reality .... this young kid is startin to bring me down man
Quote from: Russell Kanning on January 29, 2016, 06:20 PM NHFT
man another dose of reality .... this young kid is startin to bring me down man
It's that karma filling me with rage, went from 30 to -40 in like two weeks!!! :hopmad:
Quote from: eglove on January 29, 2016, 10:05 PM NHFT
Quote from: Russell Kanning on January 29, 2016, 06:20 PM NHFT
man another dose of reality .... this young kid is startin to bring me down man
It's that karma filling me with rage, went from 30 to -40 in like two weeks!!! :hopmad:
Well, that's a Delta of 70 points... pretty impressive. Of course I saw Johnson gain 1,000 points in one day. Yeah, everyone should be glad to stand in Johnson's shadow. It's a big shadow... lots of room!
if people drop eglove enough he will either seek our destruction ... or develop a sense of humor :)
Quote from: Russell Kanning on January 30, 2016, 08:24 AM NHFT
if people drop eglove enough he will either seek our destruction ... or develop a sense of humor :)
Your destruction would bring me great joy and laughter.... ....
uh oh
If you want to laugh, google Hipster Hitler ;D
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/398/761/7f0.jpg)
Found this gem over at the Mental Militia forum. ;D
A policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The little girl look up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"
The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl,"Next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!
I bet you don't stand at attention whenever a law enforcement officer drives by .... do ya
Quote from: Russell Kanning on September 14, 2016, 08:41 AM NHFT
I bet you don't stand at attention whenever a law enforcement officer drives by .... do ya
If he's hot, part of me does.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaPbUvPOkD8
this guy kills me