Seems that mostly my whole life has been darkness. I was a happy enough kid, but then I started having sex and things just got all messed up. There were all the tragic breakups, ripping my heart apart from loving someone then being separated from him. Then at 17, I got pregnant. I didn't want to mess up my college plans, so I had an abortion. Boy, I wish I'd known then what I know now. I wish I'd known how messed up my life would be over killing my baby.
The depression and desperation started sometime soon after that. I basically slept with most anyone who'd have me. I'd be in a relationship with someone and then be wondering why it wasn't making me happy. So then I'd go on to the next relationship in hopes that person would love me enough to make me happy. Somehow, I never found a man who could do that for me.
I married. That still wasn't enough. So I talked my husband into an open marriage, and I continued my search. Looking back on this time is so horrible. I broke up at least one marriage with my sleeping around, and didn't even care at the time. I kept on until one of the men I was sleeping with molested my daughter. It took that to wake me up.
After a long hideous trial, the guy was sent to jail, and I left my husband and moved to Texas. I stayed away from men for a long time (or a long time for me). After we moved to New Hampshire, I started dating a little, but then something good happened to me.
My mother had been praying for a husband for me, and I think her prayers were answered. I was drawn to Russell online, so we started talking and decided to marry. He flew to NH and we married that day. Russell is a Christian, and I was an atheist, so it was a strange match at first. Maybe it's not so strange now.
Every once in a while Russell would mention abortion and I would cringe inside. He didn't know that I'd aborted a child. I didn't tell him. Gradually, I came to see that I was wrong about that 'blob of tissue' I'd rid myself of, that it had been a child I'd murdered. Even an atheist can see that murder is wrong. I didn't have any way out of the guilt, though, there was no way to undo the wrong I'd done.
Russell explained to me something I'd not known before. Sex bonds a man and woman together for life. There's even a chemical basis for this, I've recently found out. I was really messing with things by sleeping around so much.
Things were much better with Russell. I wasn't desperate to sleep around, but was still tempted occasionally. He couldn't have been more loving, but I still wasn't exactly happy.
Then one time Russell was hauled away to jail, taken right out of his work. I was so sad over that - there didn't seem to be any hope that he'd ever really be able to work. I missed him terribly. I was listening to a lot of Alex Jones at the time, and the state of the world seemed also so hopeless. It seemed like all the bad people in the world were taking control and wanting to enslave or kill all the rest of us. I came to a point where I said our only hope was for God to save us. I asked Him for forgiveness for all the terrible things I'd done in my life.
I didn't see much change at the time, but not long after that our roommate asked me what had change, since I seemed happier.
Time went on, and I started trying to learn about God and the Bible. It took a long time before I admitted to anyone, even Russell, what had happened -- maybe 6 months later. After I told Russell, things began to really change with me. I started reading the Bible like a madwoman. Things that once seemed OK to me before were now uncomfortable. I learned that God gave us laws for how we should live in order to keep us safe, like a good parent sets down rules for their child. When we break those rules, that is sin. God can't be in the presence of sin, so the penalty for sin is death and we're sent to hell to be kept separate from God. But God loves his creation and wants us with him, so he gives us lots of chances to repent and be with Him. Blood sacrifice can cover sin, but only a perfect sacrifice can remove it. So God sent his son to earth to be that perfect sacrifice and let him die in pain and shame on the cross to pay the price for our sins - for my sin, so that we wouldn't have to pay the price of eternal damnation. I learned that any of my sins, even telling a lie, would have been enough to damn me. Lucky for me God woke me up and let me see the truth. The Bible says that to unbelievers, this whole story seems to be just foolishness. I certainly saw it that way before. God has to reach out to unbelievers for them to understand. I'm very thankful he did in my case.
So a while back, soon after I told Russell I'd become a Christian, I prayed and asked God what I should do in his service. The next night I had a dream. I was like that gal, Casey Anthony on trial for killing her little girl. I was on the witness stand saying that I wasn't guilty of killing my little girl, but I was guilty of killing my unborn child. And I knew in the dream I was supposed to use this huge public platform, being on TV, to suggest to women that it's not good to kill our children, unborn or otherwise.
When I woke I was in quite a tizzy over it. Telling people what I'd done was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I fasted for several days and finally got up the nerve to tell Russell what I'd done. I was so afraid he'd leave me. I need not have been afraid. He just held me as I cried and told him.
I've since started working at a crisis pregnancy center. Ladies come in for free pregnancy tests, and I try and give then a little information about abortion, sex, marriage, God. I've learned that most women who have abortions experience depression and many have self-destructive behaviors they engage in over it. It certainly was so in my case.
(Also from Alex Jones I've learned that the world system being set up loves abortion, genocide, eugenics. Obama's Science Czar Eric Holdren wrote a book promoting eugenics - forced sterilization, forced abortions. http://www.prisonplanet.com/obama-science-advisor-called-for-planetary-regime-to-enforce-totalitarian-population-control-measures.html (http://www.prisonplanet.com/obama-science-advisor-called-for-planetary-regime-to-enforce-totalitarian-population-control-measures.html))
The other day I was searching for something on the forum, and came across one of my old posts. I was shocked. I don't talk that way any more. I don't think that way any more.
I have a peace now that I haven't had since childhood, or maybe never before. I was so driven and unhappy before. I was a slave to sin. All the sex was an obsession I couldn't let go of. Once I got it in my head I wanted to sleep with someone, well, I kept at it until I succeeded. It was miserable being so desperate for love. I guess the peace I have now is from the love of God and the forgiveness of my past evil. My whole world has turned around so much, it's hard to even explain. It's easier to forgive what others do to me, since I've been forgiven of so much. It's easier to be compassionate when such compassion has been shown to me. I've been freed from the domination of sin. I've truly come out of the darkness and into the light.
Solar Bob is glad you and Russell are happy together and that you are in the light. Light is good.
:)
By the way, the group Libertarians for Life (http://l4l.org/) was founded by Doris Gordon, who is an atheist.
Its mostly hard to know what to say, Kat. I have lots of good thoughts 4 U.
Two things are not so hard: Love & Peace.
Thanks for sharing your story. Your willingness to share took enormous bravery.
The world is a better place because you did. This story will help others toward their healing.
That there is quite a journey, Sister.
Glad you made it.
Welcome Home!
Big :-* 2U
Coming to grips with a great tragedy is the hardest thing that any of us can do. I admire your strength and personal courage.
But you've taken shelter in a convenient harbor that can not repair the damage that has been done to you. Covering yourself with comforting words will not save you from your own torment.
Real help is available.
Quote from: Jim Johnson on January 16, 2012, 10:27 PM NHFT
Coming to grips with a great tragedy is the hardest thing that any of us can do. I admire your strength and personal courage.
But you've taken shelter in a convenient harbor that can not repair the damage that has been done to you. Covering yourself with comforting words will not save you from your own torment.
Real help is available.
I don't know, Jim. It sounds to me like she's found real comfort, once she stopped wrapping herself in denial.
Thank you for telling your story, Kat. I hope your life continues to grow richer.
It wasn't actually convenient to admit I'd been wrong for so many years. I used to say that even if there were a God, I wouldn't worship him. Well, he made me eat those words :D
Tough carrying our burdens. I'm glad you were able to find relief.
For me, I think to live as if there is a god is beneficial. To realize that I am not the center of it all... that there are things much larger and completely out of my control. To forgive myself, to accept my flaws and failures, to have a second chance to try to grow and improve.
Much as early philosophers thought the earth was the center of the universe, many libertarians seem to believe their ego is the center of everything... that everything revolves around them. I can assure them that it does not.
Ha thats what you think 10 more pounds and every thing
will revolve around me. Or at least orbit me.
I am glad Kat posted part of her story. She has always been a great wife and a pleasure to be around. Now she is an even better wife and friend. It helps that she doesn't have to keep that one part of her life secret anymore. :)
Kat, bless you for sharing that with us.
Personally I do believe in God. Regardless of how you believe we all got to where we are today (evolution, creationism etc) somehow there was a big bang that started/created everything. What triggered that big bang? What created that first atom? We know matter cannot be created or destroyed so how then did matter come into being in the first place? It all points back to evidence of God.
Which religion has it all right is another debate but regardless of which one you believe they all have a lot of similarity and all help people have better lives.
Now a lot of people find fault in religions which believe God has spoken to us as stated in the bible. The bible is a good book but the stories in it have been translated again and again over time so depending on which version you read some of the meanings change even with the 10 commandments (Thou shall not kill vs Thou shall not commit murder are two very different meanings for instance).
I think part of the problem with us today is that people have forgotten how to hear God. We define everything today through science but do we really listen to the world around us? We expect everything to have clearly definable answers and as a result sometimes don't listen to things outside those clear cut rules we've established.
A priest once told me a story of listening to God I'd like to share with you which in light of your posting here you may find helpful.
A man was having a discussion with the priest about faith and he was explaining how he'd lost his over time because he claimed God never answered him when he prayed. He explained that when he was a child he prayed to God that he wanted to be superman. As a child he wished he could be just like the comic book character invincible to all.
As he got older he never learned to fly or leap tall buildings so he eventually believed he was foolish to believe God would grant him the answer to his prayer.
The priest looked him over and said, 'how do you feel today?'
The man answered good.
The priest then asked how the man felt last week and last month? Asking if he'd been sick at all.
The guy stated back that he doesn't get sick.
The priest smiled and asked how many broken bones the man had as a child.
The man stated that he never broke any bones in his life.
The priest continued asked when the man last had gotten sick or suffered any illnesses in his life and the man couldn't remember ever being sick or ill outside of a few sniffles.
It was at that point he'd realized that God did answer his prayers, he didn't become superman in that he could fly and leap tall buildings but he was a superman in that he had stayed strong and healthy his entire life.
When people stop and look at signs around them God speaks to all of us.
I'm glad to hear that you finally found the wave length to listen in on. It's different for all of us.
Quote from: lildog on January 18, 2012, 10:18 AM NHFTWe know matter cannot be created or destroyed so how then did matter come into being in the first place? It all points back to evidence of God.
Actually, matter can be converted back and forth with energy. That's what Einstein's famous equation describes.
Quote from: lildog on January 18, 2012, 10:18 AM NHFTA priest once told me a story of listening to God I'd like to share with you which in light of your posting here you may find helpful.
A man was having a discussion with the priest about faith and he was explaining how he'd lost his over time because he claimed God never answered him when he prayed. He explained that when he was a child he prayed to God that he wanted to be superman. As a child he wished he could be just like the comic book character invincible to all.
As he got older he never learned to fly or leap tall buildings so he eventually believed he was foolish to believe God would grant him the answer to his prayer.
The priest looked him over and said, 'how do you feel today?'
The man answered good.
The priest then asked how the man felt last week and last month? Asking if he'd been sick at all.
The guy stated back that he doesn't get sick.
The priest smiled and asked how many broken bones the man had as a child.
The man stated that he never broke any bones in his life.
The priest continued asked when the man last had gotten sick or suffered any illnesses in his life and the man couldn't remember ever being sick or ill outside of a few sniffles.
It was at that point he'd realized that God did answer his prayers, he didn't become superman in that he could fly and leap tall buildings but he was a superman in that he had stayed strong and healthy his entire life.
That's called "confirmation bias." If he said he'd won the lottery, or narrowly escaped a traffic accident, the priest would have said that God made him lucky in answer to his prayers. If he said that he'd just been inspired to write a book or paint a painting, the priest would have said that God made him superbly creative in answer to his prayers. Et cetera. It's the same thing that results in astrology and conspiracy theories. If you go looking for something to fit your preconceptions, you'll find ways to make nearly anything fit them.
Which is not to disparage spirituality, wherever you may find it, but just to point out that those sorts of things are not going to convince anyone who is thinking scientifically.
The argument, of course, can be made that science is the study of the divine, if one does believe that the universe was created. I know a number of scientists who feel that way, and are (if anything) more intense in their adherence to the scientific method, because they see the task of understanding the universe as a spiritual quest, so failing to properly do the scientific side becomes a spiritual failing, as well.
Quote from: Pat K on January 17, 2012, 11:54 PM NHFT
Ha thats what you think 10 more pounds and every thing
will revolve around me. Or at least orbit me.
Attempting to calculate the likely mass and orbit of the moons of PatK. lol
PatK also seems to attract like objects ..... friendly people and beer
Quote from: Russell Kanning on January 18, 2012, 09:13 PM NHFT
PatK also seems to attract like objects ..... friendly people and beer
Yes, both are often found orbiting around him. ;D
Kat has been enjoying the sunshine
i think the :icon_sunny: enjoys kat 2
Wow Kat, you've been through a lot and came away with wisdom and peace, awesome! :) :hug:
Oh yeah, and Russell, sorry Russell I didn't mean to forget. ;D
I had the hardest time believing that Rick could actually really love me so there were some huge struggles with us for years but the sex was great so that was cool. >:D
I think it was because of stuff I went through as a kid with my mother, she would say some pretty mean stuff to me and I always figured if my own mother didn't love me nobody else could. :dontknow:
As far as I can remember I've had a 'sense' of something more out there and I call him God too but I don't believe in the biblical or religion stuff. Everytime I've read the bible or went to church I got more confused and lost my spiritual connection so finally I just stopped reading the bible and listening to indoctrinated clergy. They mean well but I feel that they are just repeating stuff they learned from someone else, they don't really know anything more than ordinary people. I am really good at predicting the typical christian answer to my biblical questions and in the end it's always.............blind faith.
The best thing any professional ever said to me about the bible and life in general is that you can't always believe what you read but sometimes you just have to believe in what you feel. :)
Thank you, ladies, for sharing your story. :D
Quote from: Scott Roth on February 19, 2012, 12:28 PM NHFT
Thank you, ladies, for sharing your story. :D
No problem, Scott ! :D I have way more if you want to read them............