Any ideas

[Romak]

Since none of you know who I am figured it would be OK to share something I got from my brother recently. I'm at a loss as to how to help him get through this. Feel free to be open an honest.

Am I selfish? Or am I just addicted to people of a certain ilk? What is it that makes a man not care about the consequences of his actions? Ive been this way since I can remember. I fall in and out of love with people so easily and so often. Is it a mental defect? Or am I so acutely aware of what and who I want that I strive for that perfect person? How long will I search? How much longer will I be this way until I find someone who I am truly happy with? How can I know that someone is not right for me yet go through the process of getting married and having children with knowing the odds of it lasting at pretty slim? Why do I constantly help people who are in need? Is it something my ego requires or does it just make me feel good? Am I even capable of being happy with someone? Should I stay married just because I feel bad about hurting someone who I do love but am no longer in love with? Should I continue to sneak around with this other person who gives me peace and who I have fun with? I'm an adrenaline junky so maybe that's why I'm doing it. Yet Ive never done drugs go figure. How long can this last and I can juggle this and continue to get away with it? Wont my children be happier if I end this now so they aren't with parents who don't love each other? My wife loves me to no end and it pains me to see her feel this way but isn't it healthier to just move on? Or in the end am I just a plain dick?

[jaqeboy]

He's immature in the sense that you have to grow up and be responsible for your actions to be an effective man.

He's suffering fom some compulsive behaviours that will make his life more difficult and painful, and, yes, even the adrenaline from those negative excitements give some reward, but the other wreckage caused by the infidelity and immature actions are real.

The compulsion experts have a lot to offer for understanding. I'm not current on what's out there now, but these were very effective books a while back:

     Women Who Love Too Much (actually useful for men, too), Robin Norwood, http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

     Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody, http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048

The compulsion support groups have a lot to offer for people who want to recover - recovery, sanity and stability are possible:

     Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, SLAA, http://www.slaafws.org

If I were you, I'd approach your brother gently with the idea that wrecking his family isn't a thing one can have a lot of pride in, and that he should consider reading one of these books or going to an SLAA meeting. Putting his exciting side relationship on hold til he gets a grip on the compulsion part of his behaviour will not hurt him. If that's the person he really loves (rather than just having an excitement high over), he can make an informed decision if he can chill the fires of the compulsion a bit and think. If he is driven by the compulsion and breaks with his wife for the new one, he will later break with the new one for another new one, because that's the exciting part. ...then repeat. Meanwhile, one has exchanged all that adrenaline for all that wreckage. Maturity allows you to evaluate the cost of the wreckage versus the value of the adrenaline (it's like a drug, you know).

Good wisdom to your brother...

[Raineyrocks]

Since none of you know who I am figured it would be OK to share something I got from my brother recently. I'm at a loss as to how to help him get through this. Feel free to be open an honest.

Am I selfish? Or am I just addicted to people of a certain ilk? What is it that makes a man not care about the consequences of his actions? Ive been this way since I can remember. I fall in and out of love with people so easily and so often. Is it a mental defect? Or am I so acutely aware of what and who I want that I strive for that perfect person? How long will I search? How much longer will I be this way until I find someone who I am truly happy with? How can I know that someone is not right for me yet go through the process of getting married and having children with knowing the odds of it lasting at pretty slim? Why do I constantly help people who are in need? Is it something my ego requires or does it just make me feel good? Am I even capable of being happy with someone? Should I stay married just because I feel bad about hurting someone who I do love but am no longer in love with? Should I continue to sneak around with this other person who gives me peace and who I have fun with? I'm an adrenaline junky so maybe that's why I'm doing it. Yet Ive never done drugs go figure. How long can this last and I can juggle this and continue to get away with it? Wont my children be happier if I end this now so they aren't with parents who don't love each other? My wife loves me to no end and it pains me to see her feel this way but isn't it healthier to just move on? Or in the end am I just a plain dick?

Whoa!  That's a lot of questions and some hit real close to home for me too.   This is just my opinion of course but I think it might be that your brother is having trouble liking and accepting himself that's where all of the other issues are stemming off from.  If he doesn't have a sense of peace in his own heart he will probably spend the rest of his life looking for other things and people to fill the emptyness for him. 

With that being said usually a lot of other people do get hurt in the process with a person that is not at peace with themselves, it's almost unavoidable.  I do know quite a few people like this and I struggle with the same issues myself sometimes.  It's a hard one to answer but I think only the person that has all of these questions can answer them for themselves and then self growth may start from there.     On a good note it's really good that he has realized some of these things and is asking.

[Romak]

Thing is he is the most confident person Ive ever known. Nothing ever rattles him. He is someone I look up to even though he is a couple of years younger then me. I'll approach him with kid gloves about those books, I think he'll be offended if I mention that he's an addict of some sort. Hes always thought being addicted to anything is a sign of weakness. His confidence is one that doesnt offend anyone, if just makes people want to be around him more. I appreciate the comments and look forward to others.

[Pat McCotter]

This book is free online:

LOVE 101
To Love Oneself is the Beginning
of a Lifelong Romance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prelude: What If?

What if you were about to meet your perfect lover?

What if you knew this lover better than anyone else in the world, and this lover knew you better than anyone else?

What if you liked the same food, loved the same movies, listened to the same music, rooted for the same teams, enjoyed the same friends, were fascinated by the same books, had the same spiritual beliefs, cared about the same causes, and shared the same goals?

What if you absolutely knew you two could live together comfortably?

What if this lover always had your best interests at heart?

What if you were brought before a large door and told that, behind the door, was the love of your life?

You straighten your hair, pop a Certs, take a deep breath, open the door . . .

. . . and find yourself face-to-face . . .   

 

 

 

 

 

 

...with a mirror.

[jaqeboy]

Thing is he is the most confident person Ive ever known. Nothing ever rattles him. He is someone I look up to even though he is a couple of years younger then me. I'll approach him with kid gloves about those books, I think he'll be offended if I mention that he's an addict of some sort. Hes always thought being addicted to anything is a sign of weakness. His confidence is one that doesnt offend anyone, if just makes people want to be around him more. I appreciate the comments and look forward to others.

He has to be ready. I understand.

[Romak]

FYI he seemed pretty open to the idea of reading up on what you suggested. Good start I guess. Frankly I dont think there is a chance he'll change and he seemed pretty open to the idea of staying single forever and focusing on his kids as opposed to starting over with someone new and starting a new family.

[grasshopper]

I sent him a PM, it is pretty serious.  But it is s secret