It's time for a few jokes!

[Velma]

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[coffeeseven]

http://www.flurl.com/video/33120726_what_news_anchors_do_during_commerical_breaks.htm

[41mag]

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.    Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.


  A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
  The housewife replies: "Four!".
  The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
  The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"



The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.  Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1)  The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.  This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.  No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2)  Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4)  There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.




         A Hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night.  So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn.  So the Hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
         A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the Hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle."  So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the Hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
         Within a short time, the Hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door.  Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn.  Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
         Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn.  Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow.
         "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."




If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man  and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine  cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Velma]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
Decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
Take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the
Woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think.

[coffeeseven]

I just changed the intro on my Yahoo! personals page to "marry a man that can cook - sex wears off"

Wonder if they'll let it fly?