Horrible visit

[Raineyrocks]

Gosh, I hope this somehow makes me feel better, just writing about it, because I really don't know what else to do.

So my son just turned 21 and came to our house for a few days.  Rick just got back from California a few days ago and then the day after he got home he went to Mass. to pick up Jon.   All is going great for the first couple of days, then he got into a fight with his pregnant girlfriend on the phone and went into a, "she's cheating on me" rant, for a little while.  She's not, but whatever, that rant didn't last all that long so the visit continues.

All of a sudden last night his girlfriend supposedly gets a call warning her that some of Jon's ex-friends are planning on breaking into the house so naturally she called up here and he freaks out.   Okay, understandable, if the story is even true and believe me there are reasons to doubt the validity of the story.   So he starts accusing Rick and I, especially Rick, of not caring that his family is in danger and goes into a psychotic rampage.  WTF!

My daughter just got home from NJ with her baby moments before all of this happened and of course is looking forward to seeing her brother too.  

We told Jon to have his girlfriend call 911 if anyone shows up and is breaking into the house, and we explain to him that we don't have a magic jet to transport him home within minutes.  Rick had to work today, this all happened around 10 pm last night.  I can't drive in the dark, Rick offered to take him back home after work today but in the meantime we were trying to suggest logical things that could be done right now, if this did happen. 

Well, I guess that's just not enough for Jon!  He's starts screaming and banging stuff around and Rick said very nicely, "Why don't you go outside and get some fresh air to calm down."   Jon goes outside for 1 second, barges back in the door and slams Rick into the freakin wall!   My daughter's boyfriend immediately gets in the middle because now of course it was going to escalate into a fist fight as Rick got back up from the corner that Jon knocked him down in.

We kept telling him through out all of this before it became physical what he and his girlfriend could do right now to ensure her and my grandson's safety.  I told him to get her and the baby, (she already has 1 son with him, is pregnant with 2nd son), out of the house and just have her come here, to put a chair against the door knob until she can pack for the baby, and to call 911 if she has to.   All of these things sound logical, don't they or am I losing my freaking mind?  Even if we could have driven him back it would have taken 4 hours so what would/could have happened in the meantime if this story was true anyway?   

His girlfriend ends up coming here about 3 in the morning with the baby.  I'm still awake because I couldn't sleep, I didn't say a word to Jon in all of the hours until his girlfriend came because honestly, I felt disgusted and didn't know what to say.  I felt sick of his violence, and making everyone cry, especially his siblings and little baby neice. 

On his birthday about 2 weeks ago we went through another dramatic, violent ordeal with him via telephone and having to do with his girlfriend.  Afterward, he spoke with us on the phone and seemed to be very remorseful and earnest in his apologies and "growth" from the situation that's why Rick picked him up in the first place because we though maybe he was gaining maturity from that incident and things would be different this time.

So anyways, she gets here at 3 in the morning and I'm holding my grandson.   I said, "don't you think maybe you should change his diaper before you head back?"   She turns around to look at Jon for approval to change his diaper, Jon nods his head and she changes his diaper.  Weird, right?   So as they are loading his packed up stuff, he comes over to me and says, "I'm not leaving here without giving you a hug."   He hugs me and tells me he loves me, I said that I loved him too and that's it.     

Now I'm left with this sick feeling in my stomach, I don't know what to do or say or if I even want to continue a relationship with my own son.   He's calling on the phone right now as I type this and I can't even answer it because I don't want to hear how sorry he is, blah, blah, when the same crap just keeps happening.   I feel like his apologies are just pure crap!

I'm done now. I don't really feel better, I just feel numb and confused. 

[cathleeninnh]

Of course, we can' fix your problems. The truth is that you can't fix your son's problems either. And you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of his tirades.

I do know that it is possible to put distance between you and those that you love, save your sanity, and still keep on speaking terms.

Good Luck

Cathleen

[Raineyrocks]

Of course, we can' fix your problems. The truth is that you can't fix your son's problems either. And you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of his tirades.

I do know that it is possible to put distance between you and those that you love, save your sanity, and still keep on speaking terms.

Good Luck

Cathleen

Thanks Cathleen.     I think I just need time now because I'm not even ready to speak with him.   I honestly wouldn't even know what to say at this point.   This has been such an ongoing "thing" with Jon, that I'm not even sure I ever want him at my house again.  Again, it's the kids that suffer the most from his erratic behavior and until he can get help and make "real" changes I can't allow them to keep getting hurt.

  I know your not saying that I should, I guess I'm still ranting over the whole thing in my head and on this post.  It's the first time he ever put his hands on Rick, not his verbal abuse, there's been plenty of that but to slam Rick into the wall,  I just don't know and feel so sick.

[cathleeninnh]

Again, it's the kids that suffer the most from his erratic behavior and until he can get help and make "real" changes I can't allow them to keep getting hurt.

 

That is a HUGE responsibility you seem to be taking on. I am not arguing that the kids don't suffer. They really do, but keeping them from getting hurt is not something you can do part time. Have you really decided that keeping them from getting hurt is your job? To the point of sacrificing your other relationships and their other relationships? It really is an all or nothing statement. If your head fills up with these kinds of blanket statements, then you will forever feel inadequate when you see them get hurt again. Don't ask for parental guilt. We get enough of that as it is

Cathleen

[Raineyrocks]

Again, it's the kids that suffer the most from his erratic behavior and until he can get help and make "real" changes I can't allow them to keep getting hurt.

 

That is a HUGE responsibility you seem to be taking on. I am not arguing that the kids don't suffer. They really do, but keeping them from getting hurt is not something you can do part time. Have you really decided that keeping them from getting hurt is your job? To the point of sacrificing your other relationships and their other relationships? It really is an all or nothing statement. If your head fills up with these kinds of blanket statements, then you will forever feel inadequate when you see them get hurt again. Don't ask for parental guilt. We get enough of that as it is

Cathleen

That is true and I have to think more about what you wrote because I'm not sure anymore how I feel about this particular situation, I'm just hurting right now. 

  I don't think it's my job to keep them from getting hurt completely and I know I could never control that entirely anyway but then again inviting a violent person, no matter who it is into your home especially when there are younger kids isn't good either.

Your so right about the parental guilt statement; but it's Jon that really lays that one on thick not the younger kids.  They just get terrified when he "goes off".   I'm almost at the point where I'm not accepting parental guilt trips anymore because I'm sick of them, thanks to Jon, so in a way I guess he's helped me.   Sometimes I slip into the, I should have done this differently when they were little or maybe they wouldn't have the issues they do now, especially the older 3 kids but there comes a point where they are quite capable of making their own decisions and owning up to their own responibility.

As far as sacrificing me and Jon's relationship, right now I feel like he's the one that's doing that, not me.   My feelings could change on that one, I don't know, the hurt is fresh so it's going to take time.

I have Rick saying that Jon is never coming here again too and I understand he's angry and hurt himself so it's just added "stuff" to my head.

[K. Darien Freeheart]

Cathleen. Nail. Head.