Scientists discover a new element

[Kat Kanning]

 A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.  Its existence was proved during the hurricane, gasoline and other issues of the last year or two.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. 
Governmentium (Gv) Has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years.  It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of mo-ron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever mo-rons reach a critical concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since though it has only half as many peons it has twice as many mo-rons.

[Pat K]

 

[41mag]

                         Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Atomic Mass    : Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg.
               : Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
                 though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve
Occurance      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
                 concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).
2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
   (Snore ... zzzzz).
3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
   the Wo commom ore.
6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention
7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath.
8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified
9) Simple in structure.
10)Often found in the gaseous state.
11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens.

Chemical properties :
1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
   possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
   favorable conditions.
3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects
   (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
6) Great affinity for fatty substances.
7) May react violently under pressure.
8) Low boiling point, high melting point.
9) Attraction to large quantities of iron.
10)Poorly bonds with other substances.
11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded.

Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
          25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses    : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
          general repairs, free dinners for Wo...

Tests   :
1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
   specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car.
3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress.
4) Never true blue.


Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
          reaction to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable
          under correct conditions.

[41mag]

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element       : Woman
Symbol        : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer    : Adam
Occurance     :  Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
                 with slighlty lower concentrations in
                 Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
                 seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).

Chemical Properties :
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious
   Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
   alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses    : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
           Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
           Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
           Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests   : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
           in natural state.
           Turns green when placed beside a better
           specimen.

Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
              hands. Use extreme care when handling.

           2) Illegal to possess more than one.