The Modern Woo-Woo Credo (The Kola Kodex)

[ReverendRyan]

I have finally found the user manual for conspiracy theorists, Health nuts, et al!

To be a proper woo-woo practitioner, you must follow these rules:


1. Never look for the simplest, most obvious cause of something. Refrain from mentioning Occam's Razor (it's your nemesis).

2. Always favor the conspiracy angle over the boring angle. Mundane explanations (like saying that Roswell was a balloon) are for dullards and government drones. If you want to sleep with that curvaceous new-age chick, don't tell her you think astrology is bogus! (Non woo-woos may benefit from that advice temporarily).

3. Don't accept mainstream science unless it's something you've believed in for years (like gravity).

4. Try to answer as few direct questions as possible. Always obfuscate and try to sound learned. Mimic Richard Hoagland's style and you'll go far.

5. Use "what if" scenarios to change the subject whenever possible. If you linger on one topic too long you may be asked to provide annoying things like "proof." Don't let that happen! Consult a creationist if you need practice with subject-changing.

6. Many of them will just walk away shaking their heads, which of course means they agree with you. A side-to-side head shake could be the same as a vertical nod. Anything is possible, after all.

7. When all else fails, start asking hypothetical questions that have nothing to do with the actual debate. If your opponent chooses to ignore your pointless questions and remains on topic, repeat your meaningless question(s) over and over. This will make any Believers in the audience think that your opponent is evading the issue.

8. Accuse your opponent of being a liar, or try some other tactic that will (hopefully) make him angry. If he responds in kind to your endless taunts, change the subject to his anger, and accuse him of name calling. If he accuses you of provoking him, then you have changed the subject of the debate. If he stays on topic, keep the heat up. The Believers in the audience will forgive the worst verbal attacks you use, but they will think even the mildest replies he makes to you are personal attacks that undermine his argument.

9. Use the word quantum in a sentence, despite not knowing what it means. For a more impressive effect, use it with the name of your favorite superstition - "quantum dowsing" sure sounds mighty serious.

10. Always claim that the other guy is "closed-minded" and that you're as free-thinking as a newborn baby. Other woo-woos love the concept of "open-mindedness" and will take you into their inner circle without question. They have no tolerance for those "mean old nasty" types who demand evidence for everything.

11. Drink heavily while posting.

12. You must believe that the word "anomaly" means proof of paranormal activity.

13. Use the word "anomaly" as often as possible.

14. Open numerous accounts under other names, then post agreeable responses to your own messages from those accounts. Everybody knows that the only reason anybody disagrees with you is that they like the belong to "the group" and have no independent thought of their own. Just manufacture a group of people who agree with you, and the rest of the mindless zeebs will fall into line, tripping over each other to become one of your supporters.

15. Refer to anyone who doggedly uncovers your latest little scams, time after time as "stalkers." Write to their sysadmins and demand their accounts be removed for net abuse.

16. Refer to anyone who does not immediately agree with you as being uneducated on the matter, lacking in important information, or just plain too stupid to understand your magnificent statements.

17. Pretend to have a degree. Never let yourself be pinned down to what kind or where you got it. Just state repeatedly that you have one, and therefore are superior, and may not be questioned upon any subject by anyone.

18. Claim that there is no evidence that you are a fraud, kook, net-abuser, spammer, or liar. Refer to any actual proof of this as "spinning" or "disinformation."

19. When questioned, be sure to exclaim "They laughed at Galileo, too!" or perhaps "They laughed at Columbus, until he proved the earth was round!" (In case you didn't know, a round earth revolving around the sun was established well over a millenium previously.)

20. Always bear in mind that The Conspiracy Against You can do almost anything. After all, they've kept those 300 MPG carburetors secret for years.

21. Keep trotting out the one "respectable" scientist who might possibly have said something that could be construed as perhaps giving a hint that it may theoretically support your position. Even better if said scientist has said it outright. Ignore all complaints that the work is 50 years out of date, the scientist has no experience in the field in question or that other experts in the same field think said scientist is a complete loony (and they can prove it, too).

22. Dig out one reference that supports your position. Complain when someone presents a reference that refutes yours. Say that this means they can't think for themselves and your reference proves it. Ignore all queries on why you hold this hypocritical position.

23. Whenever you read something on the Internet, re-post it as fact. Never bother to do even basic research into the matter.

24. When debating, remember that the best technique to "proving" your hypothesis is to start with a supposition, and when you get to the third point, refer to the supposition as a "fact". This may cause just enough initial confusion to let you escape with a momentary triumph.

25. Quote Einstein, and do so often. Quote things he said if possible, but Einstein has been dead for ages now and so it's permissible to bring him up to date. Change the odd word here and there to make it clear that Einstein would have supported your argument if only he knew what you know. Act as if any arbitrary Einstein quote supports your position.

26. Any and all communications problems including satellite failures, bad phone connections, mysterious messages when dialing known phone numbers, busy signals when trying to enter the grassy knoll on AOL, and radios left on during calls must be blamed on the 'Conspiracy' trying to 'silence the truth'.

27. Use lots of ALL CAPS letters. Use them randomly: "I was posting my URL on PRISONPLANET.COM. Then I was stopped because A MAJORITY OF POSTERS, PSEUDO-SKEPTIC RAVING FANATICS SCREAMED ABOUT IT."

28. When all else fails, try to redefine what "skeptical", "skeptic" and "skepticism" mean so that you become a 'real' skeptic who accepts your own nonsense at face value.

29. Refer to yourself in the third person.

[Caleb]

 

People approach information from one of three general ways. (Actually, most people will combine all three, but one will predominate):

1)  Evidence based thinking: "Hmmm....You say this, let's see what you got."

2)  Wishful/Fearful thinking: "Man, if that were true things would be wonderful. It must be true." or for the pessimist, exactly the opposite. "That would sure screw everything up. I guess that's the way it is, though. Shame."

3)  Paradigmatic thinking:  "This is not possible. Therefore, it is not true, ipso facto. It is unnecessary to examine the evidence." Or the converse: "This is the way the universe/world/lunch operates. It must be true. Contrary evidence is anomolous/misunderstood/fabricated/will eventually conform to this expectation."

Obviously, the goal is 1. The problem is that 2 and 3 are very difficult to purge from human thinking. That applies to everyone. The problem can be that, to the extent that we are aware of 2 and 3, we can tend to overcompensate for them. To the extent that we're not aware of them, they dominate us.

[dalebert]

Is that your writing, Ryan? It's pretty cool.

[ReverendRyan]

Some is mine, most is compiling from other people. It would make a great AIYH, I think :-P

[dalebert]

Some is mine, most is compiling from other people. It would make a great AIYH, I think :-P

Well it's an awful lot for a cartoon, but it would make a great accompaniment to a cartoon about kooky conspiracy theorists, kind of like Caleb's article with the first Anarchy Boogie-man cartoon.

[J’raxis 270145]

16. Refer to anyone who does not immediately agree with you as being uneducated on the matter, lacking in important information, or just plain too stupid to understand your magnificent statements.

I'm just waiting for kola to start calling me "educated stupid."

[ReverendRyan]

[Puke]

That's awesome.

[kola]

wow, a special titled thread just for me.

i am touched.

but sorry i dont read mister ryans comments and I can only assume its just more "fucking with me" childsplay.

have fun guys!

Kola

[Puke]

have fun guys!

We do.

[ancapagency]

Hey Ryan--

Aren't you supposed to be organizing the Build-A-Burger potluck dinner? 

And for those who aren't "in the know" about the conspiracy: http://wiki.freetalklive.com/Build-A-Burger