Broken hearts suck.

[Kat Kanning]

That's sad, Caleb.  I think you'd make a good husband for some lucky woman.  It was sad seeing you put barriers in the way of you doing that.

[ny2nh]

Forgiveness will come.  I have even told him that.
It will take me time.  I will not take him back but I will forgive him.
I need to forgive myself first.  This is the hard part for me.  I think I have failed, that I screwed up and that is why he chose to leave me in such a bad way.  I didn't see it coming and I wasn't paying enough attention to him.  I couldn't get him to open up about what he was feeling before this mess.  I had no idea that he was unhappy.  I know he is an adult who chose to do the things he did.  But I still feel like I failed.

Stop beating yourself up. You didn't create this situation. It's probably easier for you to blame yourself than to admit that he was wrong. If he was wrong, then you have to admit that he intentionally hurt you and that is incredibly painful - to think that the person you believed loved you as much as you loved them could possibly act in a way that could cause you such pain. I know how that is, that somehow it must be your fault. Sure, you could look back and say I could have done this or I could have done that, but Kate, at some point you will hopefully accept that it was not something you did or didn't do, it was something Bill did or didn't do.

If Bill was unhappy, it was his responsibility to tell you - not your's to figure it out. How were you not paying enough attention to him? By being your own person? By not seeing that he was sleeping with someone else? Are you wrong because you presumed that she was a friend of yours and you probably presumed that there was no reason for you to worry about Bill being around her? Heck, she was your friend, right? Why was it your job to get him to open up? He's a grown man and if after 13 years with you he couldn't talk to you about how he feels, that cannot possibly be your fault.

Ever relationship has it's issues. No one is perfect and we can all look back in life as see where we could have maybe done something different and had a different outcome. But, Kate, stop blaming yourself. I hate seeing you beat yourself up over this. You are a far better person than that, you deserve to better and you deserve to be happy again. And you will be.

[John]

Someone said, ". . . he intentionally hurt you  . . ."

I don't know, but I'm thinking this is highly unlikely.
Very very bad transition? Obviously!
Malicious intent?  I'm thinking not.
Bill seems like a decent guy.

[kola]

My wife and I "supposedly" had a agreement and we talked about it often.

We agreed that if either of us was going to have intimacy/sex with someone else we would split up first and that we would never cheat behind each others back.

She didn't keep her end of the deal...to add insult to injury, many of my friends knew and no one told me. I was last to know.
Not only did her actions hurt me but some of my friends had let me down as well.

some fuckin times...when it rains it pours.

but otoh, the sun always shines again.

Kola

[Raineyrocks]

My wife and I "supposedly" had a agreement and we talked about it often.

We agreed that if either of us was going to have intimacy/sex with someone else we would split up first and that we would never cheat behind each others back.

She didn't keep her end of the deal...to add insult to injury, many of my friends knew and no one told me. I was last to know.
Not only did her actions hurt me but some of my friends had let me down as well.

some fuckin times...when it rains it pours.

but otoh, the sun always shines again.

Kola

Rick and I made the same agreement but then one night I was talking to him about how hard it would be to go to him and tell him I was going to have sex with someone else and I really can't see him coming to me first either.    

I think it's a good idea though instead of being sneaky and maybe even transmitting diseases to the innocent spouse. 

I have gone to Rick with lots of other things like if I feel attracted to somebody and my feelings that I still have for an ex of mine even though it's not a sexual feeling, I still love this person and wish him the best. 

In the beginning of our relationship my girlfriend and I used to go out dancing at bars alot and I did kiss a couple guys but as I was kissing them I would think of Rick and say to myself what is the sense in going any further if Rick is on my mind so nothing more ever happened. I did tell Rick about the kissing too and he took it really well which always made me wonder if he was maybe doing something/one on the side because I wouldn't have taken it that well from him if I was sitting at my place being 100% faithful.

That was in the beginning of our relationship though and I am 11 years younger than Rick so I think I was really still immature but I'm glad he stayed with me through it because our connection now is so deep.  Funny though I was thinking in the shower this morning seeing all my imperfections compared to when I was younger and I started getting scared that Rick might find someone maybe younger or something and I don't know what I'd do now  even if he told me before he did anything .  I hope I would honor the promise, especially that he had the dignity to keep his part of it and be understanding.  I don't know.

I did tell Rick before we got married, which took years because I didn't see the big deal with marriage but Rick did, so finally I was like , alright let's just do it.  Anyways I told him that I don't think of marriage as a "forever" thing, (sorry for anyone that disagrees it's just my personal feelings), if one or both of us became miserable and couldn't work it out then I think why should we stay together and be miserable.  Do you know what I mean?  Then again we still have 2 younger kids and that would have to be taken into consideration so the one thing I've asked from Rick is to please not wait until we hate each other to decide to leave each other.  That would really be bad since we still have the kids for life so I'd like it to be as friendly as can be and I would never want to lose our friendship either.

I've found out somethings that he's lied to me about and one was a big lie that he's been telling me for years and years, that hurt alot knowing he's been looking at me in the eyes and lying to me for well over 10 years so we were on the brink of going our own ways and I lost a degree of respect I had for him but we're still together however I did tell him one more lie like that and I'm done.  I don't think anyone's life should be treated as a game and with the big lie he should have known me better and come to me about that one years ago and it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.  I just hate having someone look at me and lie straight to my face, especially someone that is supposed to know me the way I thought he did.

Okay, I'm rambling, sorry!   Anyways Kola, it sucks what happened to you.  How long have you been divorced?    Ricks's 1st wife cheated on him left and right.  In fact he lived in a small town and found out because the newspaper took a picture of her and one of her boyfriends at the park all snuggly together and it was on the front page of the local paper.  What a way to find out!

[kola]

i lived with her for 7 years.... then we married and that lasted 3 more.

it was in the last year she was having the affair.

i never saw it coming.

i have been divorced for 5 years now. I didn't date for 2 years. I just split up with my present gf of 2 years. It was a mutual split, we had little in common and she is not supportive of my move to the mountains. I think I am done dating. It gets more difficult and painful as a person gets older. I will stick with my animals as its much easier.

kola   

[grasshopper]

   Did you try going to CHurch?, No really.  At least God loves us and never faulters.  
 I have been single for most of my life, it sucks sometimes but I don't have to worry about getting  hurt again.  Is this cowardness?  I don't know but I don't take bullshit very well, I have a tendancy to get very angry and make rash decisions. (non violent of coarse)  I'm thinking you could change your perspective from being hurt to being offended, from saddened to having a new oppertunity.  What I do is go for a walk in the woods or on the street, even the mall and observe people and things, to look for the natural order of things, of the universe.  There is a lot and a lot of bad.  You might want to choose to be good and to try to help others that were in your situation. (whatever that was).
  I think you are doing great, keeping yourself busy.  I only think that you might want to pitty your X for his downfall and not get down on yourself.
Oh ya, go shooting, blowing shit up helps me deal with stress.  It might help you also.

 God bless ya!

[porcupine kate]

I've been doing a lot of shooting lately.  I know I'm a mess when my gun hating sister tells me to go shooting.

[dalebert]

I've been doing a lot of shooting lately.  I know I'm a mess when my gun hating sister tells me to go shooting.

That's church for libertarians. Just ask the guys out at Little Minnesota.

[porcupine kate]

Yes I've been going to that church.  The guys at little Minnesota  have been teasing me about going to seminary, my NRA training classes.

[John]

 
Kate, I'm thinking you'll be fine . . . etc.

[Raineyrocks]

i lived with her for 7 years.... then we married and that lasted 3 more.

it was in the last year she was having the affair.

i never saw it coming.

i have been divorced for 5 years now. I didn't date for 2 years. I just split up with my present gf of 2 years. It was a mutual split, we had little in common and she is not supportive of my move to the mountains. I think I am done dating. It gets more difficult and painful as a person gets older. I will stick with my animals as its much easier.

kola   

Animals are awesome!  They listen to us, sense our moods and are friends for life!   My dog Patience betrayed me though, the damn bastard!   I was having my routine, "go get him boy" commands so he turned around and tried to bite my ass!

[grasshopper]

your ass???

[Raineyrocks]

your ass???

  I wish it was a jack ass and not my ass!  I was too quick though I turned around when I heard him coming and gave him a psycho look and he split.

Sometimes I'll get bored and try to shoot Patience with rubber bands, not big ones, so now when I put my hands in the rubber band shooting position he runs.   I have messed up eyes where I see multiples of everything so I hardly ever even shot him so I don't know why he's scared.

[shyfrog]

My dog Patience betrayed me though, the damn bastard!    I was having my routine, "go get him boy" commands so he turned around and tried to bite my ass! 

Now I know where this phrase comes from...