Broken hearts suck.

[porcupine kate]

Does anyone have any idea of how to heal a broken heart?

[Roycerson]

Chocolate can be temporarily effective

[Friday]

No, but I swear by the ameliorative effects of Ben & Jerry's. 

Hang in there, girl, you'll be fine.

[Ron Helwig]

I prescribe lots of this.   

[porcupine kate]

Oh god.
I haven't even been able to look at alcohol.
I'm afraid of getting drunk.  I really am.

[Ron Helwig]

Oh god.
I haven't even been able to look at alcohol.
I'm afraid of getting drunk.  I really am.

Best to do it with good friends around.

Other than that, the only things I know of are time and getting back in the saddle. Of course I've only tried the former, so YMMV.

[kola]

kate, everyone deals with losses differently whether it be death or divorce.

I do not think drinking or drugging helps. it just masks symptoms and prolongs the agony.

I lost my brother in a car crash and my wife ran off with a big bellied construction guy.(it could have been worse and been a big bellied construction lesbian).

In both losses I just focused on one day at a time. I just wanted to get through the day. I couldnt see no future and it was very difficult. I was quite depressed for some time. The only thing I knew was that time would ease the pain.

I found help from my faith in my Creator and I spent most of my time around my REAL friends. I felt very good as long as I kept busy. The hard times were when I was alone or at night when trying to sleep.

In my beliefs, everything has reason and there are no accidents. These obstacles we face are meant as lessons and we need to see them in all their light, overcome them and grow from it.

For everything bad that happens, good comes from it. It has to. It is always the circle ..from beginning to end and back again.  

I do not know why these things happen but I do know it is up to us to learn and grow from them and become better people. Too often, many people choose to be angry all their lives because of hard times but we all have a choice. Do not become bitter, angry or go into seclusion.    

You have a purpose here on earth, kate, and don't waste your gifts. We all have gifts and need to share them with others. It is one of the reason we are here.  Mourning is a normal progression and there is no magic number of days until you feel better. When you are ready to move on, get out there and kick some ass and have some fun. Do whatever it is that gives you pleasure and maybe even take on something you always wanted to do but were afraid to.

The future is bright ..if you so choose. It is hard to see right now but down the road you will look back at these days and smile. You willsmile because you overcame your obstacle and there will no denying that you have become  a better person.

In my world (and I hope in yours) there is no destroying hope and love. Its always there for the taking.

Stay with good friends and find new ones. Its the best medicine.

 

[kola]

i was typing the last post out as LOA posted.

seems we are both thinking similar.  must have something to do with our Law of Attraction beliefs. LOL

kola

[kola]

otoh kate you can play this classic song over and over..and use it as a mantra,, LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj2k8barfA8

[mackler]

Does anyone have any idea of how to heal a broken heart?

Wow.  I'm sure you're all wonderful compassionate people, and I look forward to being your close friend after I move, but--and I mean this in the kindest way possible--you all give the worst advice.   

Experts agree, the one and only sure cure for the last one is the next one.  The cliche is true: there's a lot of fish in the sea.  There's a lot of people in the world.  In fact, overpopulation is a major problem.  Just think of what a limited choice your ancestors had only a few generations ago. 

This phenomenon called a "broken-heart" is also known as the disease called "one-itis" where you become so obsessed with one person that you become oblivious to all the other options you encounter everyday.  If you're not encountering enough options then you may need to work on some self improvement.  That may be little more than an attitude adjustment.  It might mean working on making yourself more attractive.  You can take a rigorously scientific approach to this that will get results.  What that means exactly will depend on who you are, but unless you're a supermodel there's room for improvement.

If I'm correct is assuming that "Kate" you're female and hetero (or at least bi), then you're already at a great advantage in this circle, since it seems to be overwhelmingly guys.  Better yet, reach outside of your regular circle.  Make it a point to strike up conversations with ten strangers a day.  Doesn't even have to be someone you're interested in.  Just getting in the habit of being more outgoing in general will bring more opportunities into your life.

The best advice I heard for guys with one-itis is this: when you can't stop thinking about that one girl because she's so special and nobody could compare, go out and date a dozen other women, and then see how special that one girl really is.  Chances are you'll find out you were overrating her.  But guess what: even if she is that special, just the self-confidence you'll get from hooking up with the other women will make you more attractive to your one special girl than you were when you were all needy and obsessive.

Now, I don't know how to translate that advice for women, but I'm sure there's an analogous approach.  One thing I'm sure of, you solution does not lie in booze, over-eating sweets, making your friends listen to you complain, or sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.  All those things will make you less attractive.

[Tom Sawyer]

Physical activity helps cure the blues, it's hard to make yourself but it does make you feel better. Ride a bike, that makes me feel free like a kid again.

Music also gives me release. Turn up the tunes and pitch a fit, break something that represents the heartbreaker. Pretend you're Pete Townsend of the Who

[Friday]

I'm betting all my money on the fact that Kate is more attractive than Mackler.    And I'd have to question the emotional depth of anyone who blasely (is that a word?) trilled, Scarlet O'Hara style, "Oh, Fiddledeedee... there are other fish in the sea!" a mere 3 weeks after the end of a 13-year relationship.

Another feel-better-short-term suggestion is to listen to uplifting girl power music.  Some of my favorites include "We Are Family" by Sly and the Family Stone; "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor; and "Never Gonna Git It" by En Vogue.  Avoid the Cure, and anything he particularly liked; it will make you feel worse.

[Kat Kanning]

I suggest lots of hugs from friends.    Find a new passion (hobby type of thing) to eat up your time.  Learn something new.

[ancapagency]

I disagree with almost all of you.

First of all, drugging may work in the short term, but that depends on the individual reactions to the drugs.  Alcohol, for example, can make the pain bearable until it's a little easier to deal with.  We use pain killers for physical pain, right?  Why doesn't it make sense to use them a bit for emotional pain--especially when they buy you time--which is what actually heals the wound?  I'm not suggesting folks crawl into a bottle, but a little bit of drinking probably won't hurt, and may help, a lot of folks.  However, in Kate's case, this isn't something she wants to do, or thinks will work for her, so just consider this general advice rather than specific.

As for getting "back in the saddle"--I think that's awful advice.  First of all, especially after the end of a serious and long relationship, you just simply aren't ready to do that.  You need to spend time figuring out who you are again, and spending a lot of "me" time is the best way to do that.  It can be alone or with others, but it needs to be "me" time.  Also, it's not fair to the other person in the "rebound relationship"--you're essentially just using them, and that's not right, nor kind.  Plus, it doesn't give you the time and space for re-evaluation.  I've heard a rule of thumb that you should wait at least 1 month for every year you were in the relationship (and 1 week for every month) before you even start dating again.  And traditionally, a widow had a "mourning year" before she would even consider remarrying.  I think these are, despite being arbitrary in their scale, probably pretty damn good rules of thumb.  A lot happens in a year or thereabouts, and this means a lot for you as a person and for your situation.  You'll get some distance from the problem, some healing time, maybe develop yourself as an individual, and re-establish your independence.

As for pitching various sorts of fits, I guess for some that can be cathartic.  Not for me, but I recognize that I'm atypical.  But I've always found it somewhat messy and pointless--what you're left with afterward is a mess you have to clean up, broken stuff of value, and sometimes hurt feelings on the part of other folks around you that have to be soothed over.  

As for chocolate and such, I don't think it's such a great idea.  I'm not a chocolate fan, but I recognize a lot of folks are.  But perhaps it ought to be associated with celebrations, rather than disasters, if you want to continue enjoying it.  Be careful of the ways in which you condition yourself--you form subconscious associations faster and more easily than you think.

Physical activity?  Sure--why not?  As long as it's constructive, it probably can't hurt.  

Spending time with friends?  Again, why not.  As long as there's plenty of "me" time, and time with friends can be that.  Do the things you like doing, and maybe try out some new things.  

The easy answers are usually wrong. So are the quick-fixes.  

[ny2nh]

As for getting "back in the saddle"--I think that's awful advice.  First of all, especially after the end of a serious and long relationship, you just simply aren't ready to do that.  You need to spend time figuring out who you are again, and spending a lot of "me" time is the best way to do that.  It can be alone or with others, but it needs to be "me" time.  Also, it's not fair to the other person in the "rebound relationship"--you're essentially just using them, and that's not right, nor kind.  Plus, it doesn't give you the time and space for re-evaluation.  I've heard a rule of thumb that you should wait at least 1 month for every year you were in the relationship (and 1 week for every month) before you even start dating again.  And traditionally, a widow had a "mourning year" before she would even consider remarrying.  I think these are, despite being arbitrary in their scale, probably pretty damn good rules of thumb.  A lot happens in a year or thereabouts, and this means a lot for you as a person and for your situation.  You'll get some distance from the problem, some healing time, maybe develop yourself as an individual, and re-establish your independence.

I completely agree that rushing out to find another partner....just for the sake of having another partner....is not the solution. It is definitely unfair to the "new" person because they are not part of the getting over it process. I don't agree with the one month for every year "rule" as every relationship is different. Some people take longer to get over something than others and in some relationships, it's been over for a while and it just took longer to actually do something about it. Only the person themselves will really know when they are ready to to venture into that relationship zone again.