Broken hearts suck.

[Free libertarian]

 All of the answers have merit...to those who wrote them. Some of the answers make sense to others, some may not. Perhaps there may not be a "best answer", since people are individuals?   The hardest thing is to separate your emotions from your planning and logical thoughts.  On one level we know what we should do, but our emotions creep in and everything gets hard to figure out, sad and crazy.

When your heart is broken, it is a very rough experience and it seems like it will never get better.
It will.  Until things do get better you will have private moments of despair no matter which "remedy" you follow, there is no magic answer.  Know that you have value. Know that things do change and you are experiencing a very human process.   I don't mean to sound heartless, try some of the suggestions, I hope they bring some peace to you.   Sometimes it's hard not to obsess over things, but in time your life
will change.  Even though it may not seem that way now, You have some control in what comes next.

 Many of us can relate to what you are going through as we've had similar experiences.  While it may not be a great consolation now, alot of us went through the grieving process and came out a wiser person and sometimes found that life has a lot to offer. I hope that is your experience in the coming months.  

   
 

[dalebert]

Lately I kind of made a big change in that I'm not going to be a gym bunny anymore. It's just such a pain having to drive somewhere to get a good workout. So I've been doing DDR at home, which is so much fun and upbeat, and then as another alternative on some days, particularly when I'm stressed out, I just tried this.

http://www.yogatoday.com/

Free yoga classes every day online. I was a bundle of knotted muscles from bad posture while drawing and worrying about stuph and this fixed all that in less than an hour. It was nearly impossible to think about anything that was stressing me out while I tried to follow the instructions. I think I did pretty well for a noob. Warning- they do get a little mystical, but not too much that I couldn't tune it out, and if it didn't bother me, it prolly won't bother you. ReveranRyan would be gritting his teeth and throwing things at the computer though.

Kate, I agree that it's prolly too early to "get back in the saddle" so to speak. Of course, that's all based on the individual, but from the sound of it, my guess is it's too early for you just yet. My suggestion to you is to be selfish, selfish, selfish for a little while and be all about Kate. Do the things you love to do by yourself or with the people you like to do them with and just take some time reminding yourself why you're so cool. We all know you are, but you need to tell yourself over and over because you forget things like that at a time like this.

I hope it helps to know that you have a huge peanut gallery full of friends that are rooting for you.

[picaro]

Don't over-do the selfishness.    There is no harm in spoiling yourself for a bit... but some of the most unhappy people I know are extremely self-obsessed, selfish, and/or inwardly focused.

A period of reflection, alone with your thoughts and emotions may be necessary.  But don't let it become a prison.

The best way to change your inward state is to take in more outside experiences.   Focus on improving the lives of other people... at least that worked for me.

1. Exercise
2. Outward Focus
3. Time

Take solace in impermanence.  Remember, "this too shall pass".

[porcupine kate]

Thanks everybody.

Dale.  Being selfish.  Good advice which has been given to me in the past. I think that may be a very hard for me to do.  I've never been good at putting my self first.  There are always things and people that need to be taken care of.

I wish grieving was some thing I can could control, manage and work through as fast as possible.  Kind of like physical therapy after knee surgery.  I'm the kind of person who attacks a problem (if I can see the problem). This isn't working in this case.  I had no idea losing my best friend would hurt so much.

In my case I think Alcohol would not mask the problems but bring all the emotions up and some old baggage too.  I'm afraid to go there.

I have started tromping around Warner on foot.  As soon as mount Kearsage is clear of snow and very large puddles I'll be hiking up that since is just up the road. 

Adam.  I've been given similar advice from some people.  Don't worry I have no trouble meeting people up here. I work in sales.  I'm rather outgoing so I'm not going to hide from the world.  I'm in the middle of a bunch of different projects at the moment and meeting all sorts of new people through them.  I'm having some trouble finding the motivation to work on them.  This coming week I'll finish my NRA training course, start working on costumes for a local theater, start putting the moving guide on the FSP web site, organizing the shooting events, registration and the silent auction for Porc Fest, Working on the Shire Silver project, and running the Second Amendment Sisters monthly shooting event.  All of these are important to me and I want to do them well.

I don't think it would be fair at all for some guy to have to deal with me with my emotional ups and downs.  How can I date when I still get upset when I see my ex.  I don't know how that would help.  I'm not a hook up with any old guy kind of girl I have to get to know someone before I can go on a date with them. 

[kola]

As for getting "back in the saddle"--I think that's awful advice.  First of all, especially after the end of a serious and long relationship, you just simply aren't ready to do that.  You need to spend time figuring out who you are again, and spending a lot of "me" time is the best way to do that.  It can be alone or with others, but it needs to be "me" time.  Also, it's not fair to the other person in the "rebound relationship"--you're essentially just using them, and that's not right, nor kind.  Plus, it doesn't give you the time and space for re-evaluation.  I've heard a rule of thumb that you should wait at least 1 month for every year you were in the relationship (and 1 week for every month) before you even start dating again.  And traditionally, a widow had a "mourning year" before she would even consider remarrying.  I think these are, despite being arbitrary in their scale, probably pretty damn good rules of thumb.  A lot happens in a year or thereabouts, and this means a lot for you as a person and for your situation.  You'll get some distance from the problem, some healing time, maybe develop yourself as an individual, and re-establish your independence.

I completely agree that rushing out to find another partner....just for the sake of having another partner....is not the solution. It is definitely unfair to the "new" person because they are not part of the getting over it process. I don't agree with the one month for every year "rule" as every relationship is different. Some people take longer to get over something than others and in some relationships, it's been over for a while and it just took longer to actually do something about it. Only the person themselves will really know when they are ready to to venture into that relationship zone again.

I agree with the above 2 posts.

Mackler, although I almost always agree with your comments I have to say IMO you are way off base here. Jumping back in the dating game would just make things worse as Kate is prolly not even ready for a relationship and she could possibly hurt someone else by gettting involved so soon. Bad bad advice, Mackadoo. Sorry. I do enjoy reading your posts though.

Kola 

[kola]

kate said: Being selfish.  Good advice which has been given to me in the past. I think that may be a very hard for me to do.  I've never been good at putting my self first.  There are always things and people that need to be taken care of.

ahhh. BINGO. Here lies the key. This is lesson you should seek... finding your true innerself and taking care of it. ...and loving yourself.


kola

[Beth221]

voo doo dolls.  they work great!

does someone need more break up stew?? 

It just takes time..  keep active, maybe craft, or something.

Maybe a movie night at my place??  (ah-hem, an all girls movie night)

Sometimes you have to take the time and heal.  Dealing with the feeling you have, let it all out and cry, write every emotion you have on paper, (and burn it hehe)

Ignoring feelings always bites you in the ass.  Talking, and letting it all out is the best thing.  You have many people here for you. 

I can rent you daisy, she is a good listener, and snuggler at night! 

[mackler]

I'm betting all my money on the fact that Kate is more attractive than Mackler.   

You can insult me all you want.  It doesn't change the validity of what I said.  Fact is I'm the only person here (with the exception of those suggesting exercise) who has advised Kate to take concrete steps that will get her mind off of what's making her unhappy rather than suggesting she mope around, wallowing in her own depression, and telling her "It's okay to be depressed, honey.  It's too soon for you to be happy.  You need to obsess on your loneliness for a few more months before you're ready to have a life again."  F--- that attitude.  Life is for being happy today.  Go get it now!

You want to cure a broken heart? That's how you do it.  If you've got some other agenda, then yeah, you should sit around making lists of reasons why you need to be alone.  Have fun.   

[Barterer]

I'm not sure I can add much to this thread, except to point out the potential benefit of alone-time.  It is an opportunity to sort of regroup and contemplate all the possibilities that are now before you.  It may seem 100% depressing now, but those new avenues should eventually become deliciously exciting. 

After a bitter divorce, I spent two years by myself before re-dating and eventually re-marrying, and I wish I could go back and talk myself into finding an appreciation for both the alone/contemplative period, and the massive improvement that the upset would eventually lead to.

[Beth221]

wasnt there a pic here??

[Barterer]

Wrong Kate.

Thanks Sapphire, edited accordingly.

[Atlas]

The only problem I see with the rebound relationship is that they are sexually-specific in nature--which is fine for some people. But, this won't take into account the feelings of the person on the other end of the rebound. For some weird reason, the last 3 chicks I've dated have used me for their rebound. They usually last up to 3 months and then it becomes annoying because the person is still involved in their old feelings and nothing moves forward. For either person, it's hard to continue the relationship because of the rebounder's old feelings and because the new person (in this case-me) can't get any further down the line (emotionally) with someone who is using you for sex only. The concept of "too much too soon" has plenty of merit when it comes to rebound relationships. Naturally, I got bummed out and had to resort to my own method of passing time. Everyone's method is different. You just have to find what works for you. All of the methods mentioned (other than the rebound, unless you set parameters up front--though feelings will build regardless) are decent since they don't affect anyone else. Anyways, just wanted to add my two cents and post a disclaimer to the rebound ordeal. Good luck with whatever avenue you take though.

[kola]

I'm betting all my money on the fact that Kate is more attractive than Mackler.   

You can insult me all you want.  It doesn't change the validity of what I said.  Fact is I'm the only person here (with the exception of those suggesting exercise) who has advised Kate to take concrete steps that will get her mind off of what's making her unhappy rather than suggesting she mope around, wallowing in her own depression, and telling her "It's okay to be depressed, honey.  It's too soon for you to be happy.  You need to obsess on your loneliness for a few more months before you're ready to have a life again."  F--- that attitude.  Life is for being happy today.  Go get it now!

You want to cure a broken heart? That's how you do it.  If you've got some other agenda, then yeah, you should sit around making lists of reasons why you need to be alone.  Have fun.   

jeesh mack.. i do not think mourning is all about feeling sorry for onesself. Mourning is a natural process and even animals grieve. Mourning does not have to be some type of "obsession" either. I think many people have different ways of dealing with a loss. What works for some may not work for others. But masking ones feelings or shoving someone back into the game before they are ready are the absolute worst things you can do. Its like the old-skool coach telling the football player to get back in the game with a broken ankle. ie; "yeah just walk it off kid, suck it up and be tough...now get back in there dammit."

umm..donthinkso.

Kola 

[mackler]

For some weird reason, the last 3 chicks I've dated have used me for their rebound.

That weird reason might be because it's the cure for a broken heart.  Sounds to me like three female endorsements for what I've been saying.

PS nice victim attitude.  They were "using" you were they?  I suppose you would have been happier spending some quality "me" time alone with your left-hand and some broadband internet?

[SethCohn]

Callahan's Law (also known as the Law of Conservation of Pain and Joy): "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased—thus do we refute entropy." Stated another way: "Just as there are Laws of Conservation of Matter and Energy, so there are in fact Laws of Conservation of Pain and Joy. Neither can ever be created or destroyed. But one can be converted into the other."

Source: Callahan's Place series by Spider Robinson.

quick edited excerpt from http://www.faqs.org/faqs/callahans/allabout/part1/

The sharing seems to do just what the axiom says - it makes the pain
more bearable, or makes the joy more wonderful.  Patrons have shared
many significant events in the past; everything from losing jobs, pets,
or close relatives, to falling in love, graduating, or having a baby.

The shared joy comes pretty easily, but the shared pain can be more
difficult.  Often a Patron will simply make a cryptic toast and not wish
to talk about it any more.  That is fine.  A very important thing about
sharing pain in Callahan's is that we do it voluntarily.  People will
always listen if you want to talk, but they should never pry.  In
Spider's books there is a character called Fast Eddie, who is quick to
use his blackjack on anyone who asks a prying question.  We think that's
reasonable - so prying into other people's business here is strongly
discouraged.

Sometimes, however, a Patron does want to talk about something painful
in detail.  While we can almost guarantee that people will be willing to
listen and sympathise, we CANNOT make any claims that we will be able to
help in any other way.  We are a group of relatively normal people; we
have no magic powers to make people's lives better. 

We try very hard to listen to people.  If someone has a real problem, we
even offer advice.  But advice is not always right, and it's often worth
exactly what you pay for it.

Having said that, however, it is also easy to underestimate the good
things and emotional support which can come from sharing.