Broken hearts suck.

[porcupine kate]

To Rainey.
You know what has surprised me the most is the fact that this hurts more than when My parents disowned me.  (Long story I'm not going to talk about.)

To Lauren.
I want to heal I don't want to be negative soul living in the past.  It is a waste and wears you down.  I will not go down that road.  That why I'm looking for advice to work though this.  I want to be back to my happy self as fast as possible.  I hate asking for help but I know i need it in this case.  Everyone around me has been wonderful and there to listen or just hang out so I don't feel so out of it. This helps so much.  It is working but not fast enough for my taste.  Also I am working very hard not to do anything I would regret in the short or long term.  I know in time I will no longer hurt from this and be just fine.  I just want it to be tomorrow and that isn't happening.  I know I will run into Bill at events and social gatherings and I want it to be no big deal that we are around each other. I would be pissed at both of us if one or the other stopped being activists and working towards each of our dreams because of this. 

To Kola. 
He knows why I wouldn't take him back.  One day we could be friends again, not best friends and certainly not lovers. 

[Raineyrocks]

To Rainey.
You know what has surprised me the most is the fact that this hurts more than when My parents disowned me.  (Long story I'm not going to talk about.)
 

Parents that's a whole nother, (that's how it's said, right?) ballgame!  Disowning kids, I just don't get that one thank god I never felt like they owned me in the first place!    I totally understand not wanting to talk about that one Kate.   Do you have kids?  I can't remember if that was mentioned anywhere.  I'll tell you what I don't know you but you seem like tough stuff to me!

[kola]

i guess its safe to say that Mackler doesn't get the Dr Phil acheivement award.

Kola 

[porcupine kate]

To Rainey.
You know what has surprised me the most is the fact that this hurts more than when My parents disowned me.  (Long story I'm not going to talk about.)
 

Parents that's a whole nother, (that's how it's said, right?) ballgame!  Disowning kids, I just don't get that one thank god I never felt like they owned me in the first place!    I totally understand not wanting to talk about that one Kate.   Do you have kids?  I can't remember if that was mentioned anywhere.  I'll tell you what I don't know you but you seem like tough stuff to me!

No I don't have any kids.
Kate

[John]

Does anyone have any idea of how to heal a broken heart?

YES!
Forgivness.
Forgivness is not always easy.
Broken hearts are the norm.
Healing is neassesary.
To heal - forgive.

[MaineShark]

YES!
Forgivness.
Forgivness is not always easy.
Broken hearts are the norm.
Healing is neassesary.
To heal - forgive.

I think that this and ancapagency's posts are the best answers (not that others didn't say similar things - these two are just concise).

I've been pleased to call Kate a friend for almost three years, now.  She is already well on her way to forgiveness, to judge by the compassion she has shown towards the others involved, at a time when she certainly might have been excused for a good bit of mud-slinging and negativity.  I guess it's traditional to tall someone who is hurting that we have faith in her ability to heal, but I've always thought that faith is a silly thing.  I believe Kate will heal not for abstract notions, but based on the very concrete understanding I have of her personality, based on her words and deeds before and after this happened.

I think that sort of belief is the key things that friends can provide to anyone who is hurting.  We have amazing abilities to heal ourselves, provided that we allow it to happen (release the negative, and focus on a positive future), and having some help along that path never hurts.

We each have our own processes for how we actually go about getting rid of negativity and building some positive momentum for our lives.  As long as the process is not self-destructive (or not very, anyway - some folks do legitimately find release in pain), then it is valid.  Having a few drinks with friends, taking up a new hobby, starting an exercise routine, even finding some romantic or sexual release (provided you are honest with the other(s) about the situation) are all valid techniques.  As are many other options.  For some folks, simply ignoring a problem and letting their subconscious handle it is the best strategy - for others, that would lead to repressed emotions and other negative things.

The important thing is not to try and find the "one true answer" to the problem.  There isn't one - anyone telling you that mental health (whether that be healing a disease or simply maintaining a healthy frame of mind) is subject to a "quick fix" is not giving good advice.  We are complex creatures, and maintaining health is a complex task.  What's right for one person might be devastatingly wrong for someone else.

I think that Kate knows that, either consciously or not, and I think the best way to help her is to provide options from which she can choose, rather than bickering over which options are "right" or "wrong."

The amount of healing she has already shown, this early after the events in question, makes me believe that she will pull through.  And I'm sure that she knows that she is welcome to ask for help from any of her friends (after all, we know she would help us, if needed) if there is some way that we can make this easier for her.

And Kate, as I said above, know that I (and many others) believe in you.  You've already shown that you are on the path to healing, and if the way gets rocky or steep or difficult to see, there are plenty of us out here who will help you make your way.  It's your path to travel, and none of us may travel it in your stead, but feel free to lean on us as much or as little as you need.

Joe

[shyfrog]

This is what is driving me crazy.  I'm OK one moment, angry another, and crying the next.

You know...I've been too busy drinking to notice this thread until now but this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now as well.

I know, I'm a guy, suck it up and be a man, etc....whatever

The forgiveness post was really good. I know it's something I need to do. Let go. Forgive. Carry on.
I wrote a song called "Time" a while back that carries a lot of the feelings I'm having now regarding all of this.

It's in D minor (the saddest of all keys).

Hang in there Kate

[kola]

i agree with minor chords and sadness.
notice how many elton john songs are in d minor and other minors. ej is the king of sad and has been surrounded by plenty of tragedy.

as far as guys crying and that whole "man" thing, thats a bunch of crap and people who do not show emotions end up in the gutter and stuff east them alive.

kola

[porcupine kate]

Thank you Joe.
Your right I'm looking for options that I might not Have thought of.  I can't hold emotional stuff inside that is very destructive for me.  I know this because holding it in is the natural thing for me to do and I know how that plays out.  Forgiveness will happen.  I don't think I could stop talking to Bill. We have been friends for so long.  The nature of friendship has dramatically changed and I do need time but I'm not writing him out of my life completely.  I can't wait to heal so it really doesn't matter if we are at the same event.  Right now I can't do it but in the future I want it to be a non issue.

Lou you hang in there.  I know you have been hurting.  I can see it.   Throw Eli in the mix and we all get quiet and just start feeling and not saying anything.  You know you can call or stop by and we can have a this emotional ride sucks get together.

[MaineShark]

Your right I'm looking for options that I might not Have thought of.  I can't hold emotional stuff inside that is very destructive for me.  I know this because holding it in is the natural thing for me to do and I know how that plays out.  Forgiveness will happen.  I don't think I could stop talking to Bill. We have been friends for so long.  The nature of friendship has dramatically changed and I do need time but I'm not writing him out of my life completely.  I can't wait to heal so it really doesn't matter if we are at the same event.  Right now I can't do it but in the future I want it to be a non issue.

You said you were walking a bit, which is good.  I've often found that just wandering out into the woods until I don't even know where I am can be helpful.  Of course, that method is not without risk, I suppose, but if you plan ahead (take proper supplies) and use some sense, you can either backtrack (by leaving markers of some sort) or just head in a relatively-correct direction until you hit a landmark (stream/river/road) and then follow that.  Or use a GPS to get home, I suppose, but most of my wanderings of that sort were years before a handheld GPS was even vaguely affordable.  Aside from the solitude and time to take yourself out and look yourself over without others around, there is something to be said for using a the sun to guide oneself and realizing how simple life can actually be.

Exercise, in general, is a good thing.  Endorphis are helpful chemicals, in moderation...

I have a black thumb, but I know that making things grow is often helpful to those who are vaguely skilled at it.  Creating things of any sort is a positive way to deal with stress.

Destroying things can be a good way to release tension, as well.  Not generally the "throw a fit and smash the dishes" sort of thing, but there are positive or neutral ways to put destructive energy to use.  Some folks will go chop firewood.  When I was in college, our racing team would get a junk car and set it up on the quad during finals, then charge for an opportunity to smash it (either for a number of minutes, or a number of swings) with a sledgehammer.  We made a bloody fortune that way, our classmates got to relieve some stress, and the car was going to the crusher anyway, so nothing valuable was destroyed.  Helping someone remodel a house, if they need to tear some things apart first, might be a similar option.

Learning a new skill or enhancing an existing one can be helpful, as well.  Learn to play a musical instrument; practice your shooting (or learn to shoot something you don't currently know well); take up wood-carving; et cetera.

Writing (whether a private journal, or a book you've always dreamed of writing, or whatever) can be a good outlet for your thoughts.  Having a concrete product can be helpful in feeling that you have achieved something.  If you are writing a journal about what you are feeling, being able to flip back through can show you your progress, which can be very helpful as a "map" of how far you've come.

Those are my thoughts for lunchtime, today, anyway...

Joe

[shyfrog]

I went to the beach Friday and it was sunny, hardly a soul to be seen, and the tide was WAY out.

It was a good time to walk, reflect, meditate, take photos...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nealaus/sets/72157604537586873/

[porcupine kate]

Lou the photos are beautiful.

It reminds me of when I use to live near the ocean.  I would take my dog to the beach and we would wonder up and down the shore beach combing.

[Raineyrocks]

I went to the beach Friday and it was sunny, hardly a soul to be seen, and the tide was WAY out.

It was a good time to walk, reflect, meditate, take photos...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nealaus/sets/72157604537586873/

The beach has always been so therapeutic for me, way better than a psychiatrist that's for sure!    I love the smell, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the sound of the seagulls, (as long as they don't shit on my head and stay away from me).  It's always been a dream of mine to live right next to the ocean, oh well.

[kola]

the water stuff is soothing for most folks but I get the same pleasure from the mountains instead.

i think i may have drown in another life. i like small creeks and babbling brooks but never cared for lakes and oceans...and i wouldnt wanna be sleeping and have my home washed away in the night..with me in it. Kola's Ark....all aboard?

gimme mountains or gimme death.
Kola

[porcupine kate]

Living next to the ocean is nice except for a few things.  Strangers trespassing and using your towel, storms that remove all of your sand or dump all of someone else sand in your house.  But my biggest complaint about living next to the beach is waking up in the morning and being greeted by the smell of an entire clam bed washing up on the beach.  That smell alone is why I don't eat most seafood.