Toxic people

[Friday]

I want to get something off my chest, and am not sure where else to put it, so... this has nothing to do with New Hampshire, liberty activism, etc, just total personal venting and probably TMI, so ignore at will. 

When I was in my mid-twenties, my mother asked me to take a trip to England with her.  It wasn't so much that she and I had a warm and fuzzy relationship, but that she wanted to go, and didn't want to go alone.  And she paid for the vast majority of it.  So we went, for two weeks.  Fifteen years later, I still remember what a miserable travel partner she was, and how at one point I actually considered ditching her and just rejoining her at the airport when it was time to fly back.

About a week ago, she asked me if I could share any details of the trip with her from my journal.  I kept journals religiously throughout my twenties.  So I dug out the journal, found the right time period, and was pleasantly surprised at all the interesting and amazing things we got to see and do during our two week trip. 

But every single day was marred by her bad behavior.  At best, she would get tired much, much faster than me.  She was overweight and out of shape, and I was thin, athletic and in shape.  She would walk very slowly and force me to match her pace.  On at least one occasion, I was unable to actually *see* the historic castle we had driven and walked to, because it was up many stairs and she refused to go up them.  In London, I thought it would be really cool to go on a nighttime walking tour of the spots where Jack the Ripper killed people.  I figured she wouldn't even be into that, because we'd already spent the day walking.  But she surprised me by grudgingly saying she'd go with me.  I knew it would suck with her along; she'd start off tired, complain non-stop, and probably make us quit early.  But I couldn't say that to her without insulting/enraging her.  So I lied, and said I didn't really want to go after all.

On more than one occasion, she'd be tired and stay in a motel room, and I'd go out alone and traipse all over London, quaint Cornish villages, etc., and had an awesome time.

She designed the trip as a mostly driving tour.  She rented a car and did all the driving.  But every day, she'd completely freak out about driving.  If we took a wrong turn, she'd act like it was the end of the world.  She expected me to navigate, as if I knew any more about England than she did.  In my opinion, I did a surprisingly good job and steered us right most of the time.  But once or twice when I steered us wrong, or even when I didn't but she mistakenly *thought* we were going the wrong way, she'd get nasty with me about it, as if it was my fault somehow.

In a restaurant one night, she embarrassed me by being rude to the waiter.  I had seen her do this before.  I wrote in my journal that she was a bully; she liked to be verbally abusive to young people whom she knew wouldn't fight back.

One day, I honestly thought she might have had some kind of a breakdown.  We had just arrived in the town of St. Ives, which I adored.  She had, as usual, completely wigged out while driving, so when we checked into a B&B, she sat down on the bed, facing a blank, white wall, and sat there, not moving or speaking to me.  I slunk out and explored the village alone for an hour.  When I came back, she continued to stare at the wall.  I felt so uncomfortable, I went outside to write in my journal.  Finally, when it was around dinnertime, she seemed to come back to life and acted like nothing had ever happened.

Her final freakout was on the plane on the way home.  Just because she was served a vegetarian meal, and she didn't WANT a vegetarian meal, but the stewardess said there were no non-vegetarian meals available, she threw a complete hissy fit.  She dramatically said "Fine, don't feed me, then!", then proceeded to pout for HOURS.  I couldn't even speak to her because she wouldn't look at me and just grunted in response to anything I said.  Fun trans-Atlantic flight. 

So anyway, over several nights over the past two weeks, I reread all the details of that trip in my journal, and spent quite a bit of time typing it up, in several installments, for my mother.  And, of course, I edited profusely.  I took out all the times she freaked out, yelled at me, prevented me from seeing sights, and just generally behaved like an angry 2-year-old.  I only sent her the good stuff.  And no, she hasn't thanked me.  She didn't even acknowledge receipt for over a week, even though she *asked* me to send it to her!

Now I feel sorry for myself.  I know I'm weird, and am sometimes rude, quick to anger, difficult to get along with, etc.  But honestly, if you'd seen what I had to put up with for the first 17 years of my life, you might be surprised at how decent I turned out.  My mother is a toxic person.

And yes, I know there are people who have lost their jobs, dying of AIDS, starving in China, blah blah blah...insert sound of world's smallest violin playing here     This IS the Endless Debate and WHINING section.   

OK, I will try to turn this into a positive now.  I'm adding a belated item to my list of New Year's Resolutions: remember the effect my mother's behavior on that trip had on me, and do *not* do that to others.  This can take the place of "Stop going to Starbucks", which I have already blown.      

[Becky Thatcher]

   Why is it that the people who are the most toxic are often family...so it's hard to get rid of them!  Sorry to hear your mom was such a pain, but glad you were able to have some fun and do a little sightseeing.  It's difficult to remain cheerful and optimistic when you're around negative people....they just suck the joy from life. 

Tom and I have made the decision over the years to completely excise a couple of family members from our lives, because they were just a royal pain in the ass to be around...and we didn't want the prez to have to put up with their bullshit.

Maybe your mom needs to see the unedited version of your journal.  Has anyone ever told her she's no fun to be around?

[Jim Johnson]

I think Becky is right.
Give Mom the unedited version.  It would be good for you.

[KBCraig]

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother. I don't have anyone in my life like that, but I have had in the past. It's no fun at all.

In London, I thought it would be really cool to go on a nighttime walking tour of the spots where Jack the Ripper killed people.

I did this. Actually, we started in daylight, about 4 p.m., and finished after dark. We had a great tour guide, who pointed out that the Whitechapel of 1989 wasn't any safer than it had been in 1888, and strongly suggested we not linger after dark.

[Friday]

Maybe your mom needs to see the unedited version of your journal.  Has anyone ever told her she's no fun to be around?

Based on my experiences with her, I don't think it would do any good; it wouldn't help her to "grow" or whatever.  It would just hurt and enrage her.  Also, she had a very rough childhood, so I cut her a lot of slack.  She has "issues", and if she hasn't figured this out/addressed it by her mid-60's, I seriously doubt she ever will.   

[Lloyd Danforth]

My mom was a little crazy. During Menopause she was a lot crazy. She went through most of her middle age nearly blind due to her refusal to have her cataracts removed. She let herself die by hiding Breast cancer.  We argued a lot. I wish she was still around to argue with.

[Russell Kanning]

talk about a misspent youth .... yowza

you will have to save up money and go to england and have fun this time

[Pat McCotter]

Sorry to hear about that. It sounds like you were able to scavenge some good out of the England trip, though. (BTW, Did you meet a man with seven wives on your way to St. Ives?  )

My Dad and I have a cordial relationship. He's burned all of his bridges. He lives in Arizona in a motor home in a campground trailer park.  He has just allowed a doctor to tell him how long he has to live with his liver and kidney cancer that has metastasized into his bone marrow so he is anemic - less than a year.

I talk to him every Saturday and keep him up-to-date on my health issues. We have a cordial relationship because I have told him in the past that I am who I am in spite of him and not because of him. He has accepted that. I think that may be because I am the last person in the world talking to him.

As you say, there are others worse off, Friday, but there are others to share your misery with, also. Glad you could unload a little of it here. Also, the journal editing probably cleared out some of the cobwebs and, with the living and learning you've done since then, probably helped.

[TackleTheWorld]

The unpleasant travel trip was when you were an adult.  Think of how she must have treated you when you were smaller and weaker looked up at her with all your desperate hope that maybe this time she will show one glimmer of human regard for you.

[jerryswife]

Deep sympathy to you.  I know a number of young people who have very toxic mothers and some have overcome their horrendous childhoods, some have completely excised their mothers from their lives --some haven't and should have.

The biggest problem is society tends to pressure us to maintain contact with family no matter what.  I encourage you to minimize the contact to preserve your own sanity.

We have basically two families in life, the one we are born into and the one we create for ourselves.  Gather around you people who love you, and accept you for who you are, and support you.  Be that person for others.

When I lived in Cleveland I had a very close friend.  When I moved away we only saw each other when we took trips together.  She was a horrible travel companion --I love to just go with the flow when things go awry on vacation, sometimes that makes for the most fun/memorable parts.  She would get very upset over every little thing.  On our last trip as we were driving home I asked her how her migraine headache was doing and she replied "Don't worry, I'll do my share of the driving."  I thought "whoa, how could she even think I cared about that and not about her?" When I got home I sent her a letter telling her she was no longer welcome in my life that she had tipped the scale to the point where the benefit of spending time with her was outweighed by the aggravation, I do not need toxic people in my life.  It is easier to divorce a "friend" than family, but sometimes it is the best thing to do for your own mental health.

I haven't made the move to NH yet but I have to say that the freestaters I know are some of the nicest, warmest most welcoming people in the world.  You have a whole lot of people to choose from to create your own loving family.  Good luck.

[CJS]

 Thanks for this FRIDAY .

My father was a mean spirited SOB . He lived for demeaning all of his five sons .When I look back I actually can't believe the things he would say and do in front of friends and strangers to hurt our feelings.

He was also very physically violent up until the day I hit back when I was thirteen and then he threatened to have me arrested . What a coward he was . Our relationship got better years later and I ended caring for him the last couple years he was alive. That is when I found out what a witch his mother was ... he had actually been a better parent than his were . All I can say is that cycle of abuse stops with me .

Telling her how you felt about that treatment may do nothing for her .. and she probably will act like your memories are false .. but I bet it may do you a world of good to vent .

[Friday]

The unpleasant travel trip was when you were an adult.  Think of how she must have treated you when you were smaller and weaker looked up at her with all your desperate hope that maybe this time she will show one glimmer of human regard for you.

Do I have to??   

I do remember, at the ripe old age of 6, understanding quite clearly that I needed to get out of there. 

[TackleTheWorld]

Big hug, Sis.

[Tom Sawyer]

The unpleasant travel trip was when you were an adult.  Think of how she must have treated you when you were smaller and weaker looked up at her with all your desperate hope that maybe this time she will show one glimmer of human regard for you.

Do I have to??   

I do remember, at the ripe old age of 6, understanding quite clearly that I needed to get out of there. 

The upside is that it made you the independent, strong, take responsibility person you became.
Parents are examples... positive and negative... we can learn from their mistakes.

I have been estranged from my father for 30 + years. I made the choice to cut out of what was damaging to me... But, either way, you lose. 

If you want to feel better about your crazy mom... I can share some of the evil my dad created... lives destroyed, people dead... good times. 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Lives destroyed, people dead.......I guess that trumps 'unpleasant'.