Question to those who had a non-state marriage

[rebeccatamar]

Hi,

I'm a Free State signer who will be moving to NH from CA with my husband in 2012.  We are both voluntaryists and got married in January without asking the government's permission.  We drew up our own certificate of marriage (similar to Quaker marriage certificates) and signed it along with the officiant and witnesses.  Anyplace that I could, I immediately started using my husband's last name, but because I didn't have a marriage license from the state, I couldn't get a new drivers license or change my name with the bank, so there are still many instances where I must use my old name, if the transaction requires photo ID or payment by card.  I want to be able to fully transition to my husband's last name, and I feel stuck.  Besides just wanting to share my name with him and our future children, I also think there's much less change of anyone questioning the 'legality' of our marriage if we've got matching names along with the rings. 

Today I went to both the Social Security offices in San Francisco as well as the DMV, bringing my private marriage certificate, proof of use of my new name (insurance cards, hospital bills, costco card, etc.), and a printout of the California law that states common law name change, or the 'usage method', is valid.  No one was buying it.  If I had gotten a CA marriage license it would have cost $95 and they throw in a free name change.  If I want to change my name officially through a court order, it costs $375 and I have to also post notice of the request to change my name in a local newspaper four weeks in a row.  I have to file a bunch of forms with the court, then wait 6 weeks and come back to see a judge who would finalize the change.  I'm definitely against getting a marriage license, but it seems horrible that my only other option is to pay more than 3x as much to the same immoral government to ask permission to use a new name.

I'm turning to this community in hopes that someone else has been through something similar and has advice for me.  Thank you so much for your time!  Can't wait to be in NH (where, by the way, it's $90 and none of that newspaper nonsense to change one's name).

[Tom Sawyer]

Kind of handy from a privacy point of view to be able to use two names. My wife has both her last name and mine to chose from depending on the situation. 

[Kat Kanning]

Ditto what tom said.

[Free libertarian]

IMHO, The people in the marriage are what  make it succesful or not and they are the ones that should define what the terms are.

Or as an old friend once put it,  if you're not getting fucked in your marriage, involve  the state in your divorce and you'll get enough fucking for a lifetime.   

[MTPorcupine3]

You just described why it's a good idea to divorce yourself (or never marry in the first place) from the State.

[SethCohn]

Ditto what tom said.

Tritto what Tom and Kat said.

[rebeccatamar]

Thanks, everyone!  So, to Tom, Kat, and Seth, you/your wife hasn't legally gotten a name change but uses the husband's name when possible or convenient?  That's what I've been trying to do for almost a year now and I'm frustrated with how few places I can actually get away with using my husband's name.  Have any of you been able to get an accepted photo ID or debit/credit cards in the "unofficial" name?  You are probably further out of the system than I can be right now, so maybe some of my questions are about things that don't affect you in the same way.  I will be applying for a new job soon and I want to use my new name, but I can't if I need paychecks issued in my old name for the bank to accept them, right?

I really appreciate your help and would love to hear more about your dual name experiences!

[SethCohn]

Thanks, everyone!  So, to Tom, Kat, and Seth, you/your wife hasn't legally gotten a name change but uses the husband's name when possible or convenient?

We (Chris and I) each use our own name, and tend to hyphenate when talking/writing about us as a couple.

NH law is extremely specific on the legal status in this: if you _act_ as if you are married, and known in the community as married, the state STILL will not consider you married, unless one of you dies.  The other can then file a claim, to gain the benefits as if you had that piece of paper called a marriage license.  Until then, in the eyes of the law, you aren't married. For good and bad, depending on your viewpoint.

In the next year, given that we expect attempts at gay marriage repeal, the entire status of civil unions (which is currently _none_) might come back... but for now, I believe the NH 'common law' discussed above is the only law on the books if you don't get 'married' by the state.  I can't speak to name changes in a legal sense.  Most folks don't care.

[Russell Kanning]

In our community you can use whatever name you want. We tend to suspect those that change names to try and hide things from the rest of us, but your scenario is very normal. Kat and i saw no benefits to getting a state marriage, so I can't help you find out how to do it easily or change a name in their system.

For us it works out pretty well. The government and banks use a certain name for us and we can use others. I have also had almost comical interactions with government employees in regard to Kat's name. They use the name we use and she has never been denied an y access to me or my possessions because she is not legally my wife. When the  state decides to, they can just roll with anything you say. Their paperwork is just a silly fantasy they want us to go along with.