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Author Topic: HUMOR  (Read 69456 times)

Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #105 on: March 31, 2006, 04:09 PM NHFT »

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Do you smoke  tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don! 't! ," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #106 on: March 31, 2006, 05:26 PM NHFT »

hehe :)
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Pat McCotter

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #107 on: April 15, 2006, 09:27 AM NHFT »

Wonderfully funny web site:

The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #108 on: April 15, 2006, 09:29 AM NHFT »

LOL!
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Fluff and Stuff

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #109 on: April 19, 2006, 09:13 PM NHFT »

How do golden porcupines have sex?

I don't know, you have to ask Ian or Julia.
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Pat McCotter

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #110 on: May 14, 2006, 09:04 AM NHFT »

Russell,
Mike Marland hasn't heard of Porcupine Partners, has he?


[attachment deleted by admin]
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Russell Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #111 on: May 14, 2006, 09:06 AM NHFT »

unless he is calling us a couple of illegals.
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #112 on: June 14, 2006, 05:09 AM NHFT »

Someone sent me this:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

                The winners are:

                1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

                2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

                3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever  having a flat stomach.

                4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

                5. Willy-nilly (adj.),     impotent.

   6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door  in your nightgown.

                7.     Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

                8. Gargoyle (n.),     olive-flavored mouthwash.

                9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
               run over by a steamroller.

                10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding  hairline.

                11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

                12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

                13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

                14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

                15. Frisbeetarianism (n.),     (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,     your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

                16. Circumvent     (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
               Jewish men.

 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

                Here are this year's winners:

                1.     Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that  stops
               bright  ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of         breaking down in the near future.

                2. Foreploy (v.): Any  misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
               of getting laid.

                3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
               subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

                4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

                5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
               person who doesn't get it.

                6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

                7. Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

                8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

                9. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

                10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
               consuming only things that are good for you.

                11. Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.

                12.     Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

                13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
               you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

                14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

                15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
               the fruit you're eating.

                      And the pick of the literature:

                16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an ***hole.
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ravelkinbow

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #113 on: June 14, 2006, 08:48 AM NHFT »

Subject: A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley-

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
 ;D
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BaRbArIaN

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #114 on: June 14, 2006, 10:44 AM NHFT »

http://www.thenormanrockwellcode.com/

This short was made in NH, mostly in Dover.  Funny if you like the Davinci Code, probably boring if not.  Guest stars Fritz Weatherbee as "the victim".
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #115 on: July 24, 2006, 06:33 AM NHFT »

Haha...this was on TLE:

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BillyC

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #116 on: July 24, 2006, 11:00 PM NHFT »

Haha...this was on TLE:



I like that one.
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KBCraig

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #117 on: July 25, 2006, 02:01 AM NHFT »

Ghostbusters?
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tracysaboe

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #118 on: July 25, 2006, 02:09 AM NHFT »

Ghostbusters?


No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor.  You know, from Lord of the Rings?

TRacy
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KBCraig

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #119 on: July 25, 2006, 03:19 AM NHFT »

Ghostbusters?


No silly. It's the Evil Eye of Mordor.  You know, from Lord of the Rings?

Gee, I feel so silly.  ::)

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