HUMOR

[Kat Kanning]

lol

[Braddogg]

Newest US Army recruiting hook?

[Pat K]

Army Stoned

[error]

Army Stoned

That damn marijuana.

[KBCraig]

Newest US Army recruiting hook?

Hey, they're Canuckians, eh? It's already legal for them.

[Kat Kanning]

Haha...I typed in "define sycophant" into a yahoo search to make sure I had the right spelling.  It told me "Also try:  George W. Bush".

[Kat Kanning]

Dawn sent these:

>>      TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America .
>>
>>      MARIA:                Here it is.
>>
>>      TEACHER:      Correct. Now class, who discovered  America ?
>>
>>      CLASS:            Maria.
>>       ____________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
the
>> floor?
>>
>>      JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
>>       __________________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:         Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>>
>>      GLENN:             "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
>>
>>      TEACHER:        No, that's wrong.
>>
>>      GLENN:              Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
spell
>> it.
>>       ____________________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
>>
>>      DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
>>
>>      TEACHER:       What are you talking about?
>>
>>      DONALD:          Yesterday you said it's H to O.
>>      __________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that
>> we
>> didn't have ten years ago.
>>
>>      WINNIE:             Me!
>>      __________________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
>>
>>      GLEN:              Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you
>> are.
>>      _______________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>>
>>      MILLIE:               I is...
>>
>>      TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
>>
>>      MILLIE:              All right...  "I am the ninth letter of
the
>> alphabet."
>>      _________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his
father's
>> cherry tree, but also admitted it.    Now, Louie, do you know why
his
>> father didn't punish him?
>>
>>      LOUIS:              Because George still had the ax in his
hand.
>>       ______________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
>> before
>> eating?
>>
>>      SIMON:            No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
>>       ______________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the
>> same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
>>
>>      CLYDE:              No, teacher, it's the same dog.
>>      ___________________________________
>>
>>      TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking
>> when people are no longer interested?
>>
>>       HAROLD:       A teacher

[lildog]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15239501/

Oh that's rich!!!

I just love this part:

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those (forests) did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action,"

[Kat Kanning]

Maybe we can embarrass the tyrants so much they'll crawl back in their holes. Humor is a powerful political tool!

NOTE: We think you can improve the "mileage" you get from these jokes if you don't send them out in one huge batch. Instead, send them out one at a time (preferably including the link at the end). Let them spread around the net for a while, and let people get used to the idea of these Homeland Security jokes rather gradually. The longer the time period over which you spread the sharing of these jokes, the longer they will be in the minds of those to whome you send them!

And, by all means ... send your Homeland Security Jokes to us right here!


    Homeland Security Joke #1
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    A woman went to the airport for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.

    The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, "I'm sorry. You've got a problem here."

    "Yes," she sighed. "It looks like I won't make this flight to Omaha."

    "No," the guard explained. "This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #2
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    The thorough search of all her belongings -- and her person -- finally brought the woman to a boil. "This is absolutely astonishing! You might as well be raping me!"

    "I don't think so, Ma'am," replied the FAA security guard. "The most we're allowed to do is a nice slow cavity search."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #3
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    A man waiting in line at airport security got a call on his cell phone. His frantic sister told him his father had just been hospitalized with an inoperable brain tumor. He wasn't expected to last longer than a day or two. "You've got to come right now so you can tell him goodbye," she insisted.

    "I wish I could," the man sighed. "I am at the airport, and there is a flight out there that departs in a couple of hours. But I'm afraid it just won't work."

    "What do you mean?" His sister sounded indignant. "It's your father, for heaven's sake!"

    "That isn't it," he replied. "It's just that I only now got in line at airport security. I'll be lucky to make the funeral."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #4
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    George W. Bush was bragging to Russian President Putin. "Our Homeland Security measures have been so effective that we are now terrorist-free!"

    "Come, now, George," Putin laughed. "Surely you exaggerate!"

    "No, not at all. I'll tell you what. The first three terrorists you see, you can shoot them yourself, and you can have my job to boot!"

    The very next day on his way to fly home, Putin spotted four men holding a group of people at gunpoint, taking their belongings, making dire threats to all who offered resistance. The Russian president quickly put a stop to it as Bush had suggested.

    The headline for the morning's Washington Post read, "Slavic Man Claims He's President, Shoots Four FAA Security Guards."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #5
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    The long wait at airport security was tough on the five-year-old boy. To keep him from making a disturbance, his mother decided to distract him with a civics lesson.

    "Johnny, do you know what's special about America?"

    "No," he pouted.

    "In America, everyone is free to do things, go places, own whatever they want ... anything except hurt other people."

    Johnny looked ahead at the people being searched by the airport security guards, and nodded. "I think I want to go to America."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #6
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    The U.S. Postal Service announced today that it was recalling the new FAA Security postage stamp.

    People were spitting on the wrong side.

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #7
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    A woman comes to a gynecologyst for a checkup. She seems to be very embarassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.

    "Every time I fly these days," she giggles, "but never by a doctor!"

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #8
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    Homeland Security Chief John Ashcroft dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter welcomes him and gestures him on through, but Ashcroft balks.

    "Wait a minute. This gate sure looks unsecure. There could be terrorists in there!"

    "Not to worry," Saint Peter reassures him. "God keeps all the terrorists out."

    "One guard keeps them all out? I doubt it! Does he have a high school diploma?"

    "No, but he does have knowledge beyond the doctorate level in every subject known to Man, and then some."

    "Well, no matter. Many of our FAA guards don't have diplomas either. Has he moved from private sector employment to become a truly professional federal employee?"

    "No, you might say he's self-employed."

    "That tears it," Aschcroft steams. "I'm going to Hell where there's some serious professionalism!"

    "Professionalism?" Saint Peter is aghast. "But that's where all the terrorists go!"

    "True enough," replies Ashcroft, turning to go. "But they're vastly outnumbered by federal agents!"

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #9
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    John Ascroft announced today that his Homeland Security team has implemented a flawless method of identifying terrorists at security checkpoints.

    They call it "autopsy."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #10
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    A man ran up to a policeman outside the local airport. "Help!" he cried. "A Swiss Army guard just stole my American FAA pocket knife!"

    "You're mixed up," the cop smiled. "You must mean an American FAA guard stole your Swiss Army pocket knife."

    Looking suspiciously both ways, the man whispered to the cop, "Just remember it was you who said it, not me!"

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #11
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    An American traveling abroad was asked about life in the U.S. after September 11 and the resulting Homeland Security measures. "How do you deal with terrorist threats?"

    "Today's terrorists just won't negotiate. Basically, you have to give them what they want. You wait in line forever, let them invade your privacy as much as they like, and hope they let you go on your way instead of throwing you in jail for carrying a toothpick or something."

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

    Homeland Security Joke #12
    by Kent B. Van Cleave

    A New York fireman, an American mother of three, and John Ashcroft are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Pacific Ocean. They all wash up on a desert island where, half drowned, the fireman spots a lamp in the sand. As soon as he touches it, a genie emerges in a cloud of smoke.

    "I am the Genie of the Lamp," he intones. "Because you have released me, I will grant you each one wish."

    The mother breaks into tears. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" she cries. "I just want to fly back home to my babies!"

    "Very well," says the genie, and a pontoon plane appears by the shore, its pilot beckoning to her. Happily she runs off and climbs aboard.

    "All I want," says the fireman, "is to return to my fire station in New York. People there rely on me to help them in times of trouble."

    "Very well," intones the genie, and another plane pops out of nowhere to idle next to the first. The fireman runs out and climbs aboard.

    "And what is your wish?" the genie asks John Ashcroft.

    "Get those people back here. They haven't been properly searched!"

    Permission to reprint is freely granted. For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

There's a dozen to start you out. Have fun sharing them! And on we go....


    Homeland Security Joke #13
    by [we'll tell you in a moment....]

    A kid is sitting on a department-store Santa's lap, and Santa decides to have a little fun.

    "So, sonny," he says, "You may have heard about me. I know when you've been sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know when you've been bad or good, OK? So be good, for goodness' sake!"

    The kid's eyes have been getting wider during this little speech, and finally he says, "Who ARE you? John Ashcroft?"

    [Thanks to Dwayne Ball for submitting this joke, which was apparently told by John Ashcroft himself at a press conference! Immediately, a woman in the audience said, amidst the laughter, "Some people might not think that's so funny...."]

    For more Homeland Security spoofs, visit http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.

[error]

Okay, those are funny.

Then they were depressing.

If people are joking about homeland security, then it means they've come to an acceptance of this ridiculous new reality.

Now I'm pissed off.

[toowm]

Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections from the Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54918?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

While analysts had been predicting a possible sweep for months, and early exit-poll numbers seemed favorable, politicians reportedly exceeded even their own expectations, gaining an impressive 100 percent of the overall national vote.

[Lloyd Danforth]

Subject: Government card                                                               


A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and     
talked with the old farmer.                                               
                                                                           
"I need to inspect your farm."                                             
                                                                           
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."                   
                                                                           
The Agriculture representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority 
of the U.S. Government with me.  See this card, I am allowed to go         
wherever I wish on agricultural land."                                     
                                                                           
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.  Later, the farmer heard     
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the     
fence.  Close behind was the farmer's prize bull.  The bull was madder     
than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                         

[Tom Sawyer]

 

[Russell Kanning]

here's your sign

[Lloyd Danforth]

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged: 
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas 
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... 
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 
8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why 
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ... 
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House 
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House 
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate