HUMOR

[Russell Kanning]

Russell, here is one for Porcupine Partners:

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

You are right ... I will use it.
I might have even seen another version of this before.

[Lloyd Danforth]

I'm surprised FreedomBabe hasn't found this and posted it
                                   _____________________

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME                       
                                                                           
  According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and 
  female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop 
     their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to     
mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give 
                            birth in the spring.                           
                                                                           
    Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's   
  reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a 
                                   girl.                                   
                                                                           
  We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fatman in a red 
      velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.       
                                                                           

[Kat Kanning]

Maybe the reindeer, like some around here, aren't real females.

[Lloyd Danforth]

 ???

[free55]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[Kat Kanning]

http://www.whitehouse.org/firstlady/recipebox.asp

[Pat McCotter]

COW POLITICS 

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don?t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don?t milk them because you cannot touch any creature?s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he?s French, other times he?s Flemish. The Flemish cow won?t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow?s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can?t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[Pat K]

 

[Pat K]

Angel on the tree

When four of Santa?s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn?t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

[Lloyd Danforth]

                                                        Silent Farts

A man goes to his doctor.  "Doc, I keep cutting these silent farts oh shit, theres one now!, I cant's stop them damn there goes another one!  I go out in public and I cut a silent fart and its embarresing as Hell!  christ! there's another one! Doc,  Can't you help me with these silent farts?"
  "Well, first of all I have some bad news for you,  You're losing your hearing"

[Lloyd Danforth]

A traveling salesman stops at a farmhouse and asks if he can stay for the night.
"ok says the farmer, but, you'll have to stay in the barn"
The next morning the farmer asks the man if he slept alright.
"Yes, but, before I turned in I had a talk with all your animals"
"You did?" asked the farmer thinking the guy was nuts.
"Yes, I talked to your horse. He said the you've had him for 14 years and you're very nice to him"
Hmm, thought the farmer, I have had that horse 14 years!

" I talked to your cow. She said you've had had her for 12 years, you milk her twice a day and she's  comfortable"

Hmm, I have had that cow 12 years!, he thought

"You've had one chicken 4 years and the other 6, you gather their eggs every morning and feed them every day right on time"

I don't know about this guy thought the farmer, still a little skeptical.
"I spoke to your sheep......"

"Don't you believe those sheep! they're a couple of liars!

[CNHT]

COW POLITICS?

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

And to this I would add:

"In order to manage your herd of cows, you hire among others, the neighbor who has none, thus giving him the income he needs to purchase milk for his own family."

[Lex]

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Pat McCotter]

Technology for Country Folk

[Kat Kanning]

LOL!