HUMOR

[dalebert]

Work-safe Porn! (OK, I wouldn't really click the link if I were at work, except that personally I actually would because I work at home on my laptop.)

http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=349ffa2b

[Tom Sawyer]

 

[Friday]

British libertarian humor: abolish the DES (Dept. of Education and Science)

[Friday]

Ninja cat   

http://www.yahoo.com/s/960018

[Pat McCotter]

[Friday]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.  The bar has a robot bartender. 

  The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
  'What's your IQ?'  The man replies '150' and the robot proceeds to make
  conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and
  spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string
  theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

  The customer is very impressed and thinks, 'This is really cool.'  He
  decides to test the robot.

  He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
  drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks
  him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responds, 'About 100.' Immediately the
  robot starts talking, but this time, about league, Holdens, racing, the
  new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

  Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one
  more test.  He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
  'What's your IQ?'  The man replies, 'Err, 50, I think.'

  And the robot says.... real slowly...'So. ......... .....ya gonna vote
  Demopublican  again?'

[John]

"...The people I've met who have been through the worst, who have suffered and endured injustices, are always funny. They have this ability to find the absurd in the world and enjoy it - a way of enjoying the uncertainty. If you didn't have a sense of humor in an airport, you would fall down on the tile floor and cry."
  -  Louise Erdrich (in the November issue of Shambhala Sun)

[Friday]

People of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills

Citizens of Earth! My name is Robert Stubinsky. Please, do not be afraid!

I come from a small green home on Edgemore Avenue. There I live in the basement, below my now elderly parents. I have been observing you and your kind for many years, primarily through the shades of my bedroom window and on the television set. Understand, I mean you no harm. I only seek to learn more of your strange earthling ways.

Your customs intrigue me. The casual and lighthearted nature of your conversations, the cultural references you so frequently employ to elicit laughter, the way you will sometimes pat another human on the back to display affection and foster an atmosphere of warmth. These behaviors are entirely foreign to me. For instance, how do you keep yourself from shifting nervously all the time?

Please, do not stare directly into my eyes! You are making Robert Stubinsky very uncomfortable! Look away, humans! Look away!

We come from two very different worlds, you and I. Your world is one of immediate social acceptance, late-night gatherings, and fulfilling relationships with members of the opposite sex. My world, on the other hand, is one of reading hard-boiled detective fiction, watching Fawlty Towers, and sometimes a world of eating until my anxieties go away. Still, it is my belief that both our kinds can coexist in peace, and perhaps even friendship.

People of Earth! I come tonight bearing a message of utmost urgency, and that message is: Would anyone like to talk to me?

You may find me repulsive at first. The way I sweat profusely and breathe loudly through my mouth may be off-putting to you. My method of hovering around two people already engaged in private discussion without uttering a single word may leave some of you very annoyed. You may wish to avoid me altogether, largely due to the flaky nature of my skin. This is what is known as eczema. It is a common affliction and I already possess ointment for it.

Come, let us look past all of our differences and embrace one another in harmony! Wait now—stand back! Halt! Not too close! My kind finds intimacy incredibly frightening!

You humans are a warlike people. Especially those of you who were on the Norris High football team in 1987 and found my corpulent mass to be the source of much amusement. However, there is still a lot we can learn from each other. I have many facts at my disposal that you may find interesting and quite thought-provoking. For instance, did you know that the praying mantis is the only species in existence with just one ear? Or that I grew up with no true friends and was without the company of acquaintances well into my adult years?

Take me to your leader! Perhaps he will be interested in conversing with me. I know popular sports are of great importance here and am willing to memorize their related statistics, if so desired. I also bring an offering of Earth money, which I can exchange for alcoholic beverages in hopes of currying the favor of those who might not normally like me.

Deliver me one of your females! I would very much like to talk to one of your females! What are you doing? No, not yet! I am not ready to talk to one of your females just yet!

Though my mission here is one of peace, remember: I possess decades upon decades of pent-up aggression and anger. Do not play your mean-spirited human games with me. Do not pretend that you are interested in becoming my friend, all the while looking over your shoulder and chuckling at my naïveté with your friends. Do not wait until I must use the washing facilities and then decide to exit the bar, leaving only a note behind, a needless note, one calling me a "freak" and "weirdo" and telling me that I enjoy copulating with members of my same sex. Do not do this. I am tired of this occurring and cannot be responsible for my actions if this happens again.

People of Earth: I wish I were more like you.

[KBCraig]

Rachel Ray food porn!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/02/rachael-rays-corn-porn-vi_n_131335.html

[dalebert]

[Raineyrocks]

  Boy, if that's not the truth!

[Friday]

Vote Betty.  Her Presidency will bring hot chicks in merrywidows, drug-induced tangential interludes, and beer.

[Raineyrocks]

Vote Betty.  Her Presidency will bring hot chicks in merrywidows, drug-induced tangential interludes, and beer.

That was funny and cute, thanks! 

[shyfrog]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a check for $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

[Raineyrocks]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a check for $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Holy shit, this is fabulous!  Drink up!