HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

   



PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...




Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.  No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear ou t.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right n ow!

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Friday]

Learn the metric system with xkcd.   

[dalebert]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7zZQuMDIk

[dalebert]

For some inexplicable reason, this reminds me of AnarchoJesse. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-r5yPAf4eM

[KBCraig]

"The Secret" saved my life!

[Pat K]

"The Secret" saved my life!

[dalebert]

If strip clubs were like Internet porn sites...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHkZP0i7FqU

[shyfrog]

Starring Samuel L Jackson as "Principal Firebush"

[Raineyrocks]

"The Secret" saved my life!

Darn, the link won't work.

[Raineyrocks]

   



PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...




Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.  No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear ou t.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right n ow!

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Sorry, I'm not listening to you, I'm laughing! 

[KBCraig]

"The Secret" saved my life!

Darn, the link won't work.

Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.

[Raineyrocks]

"The Secret" saved my life!

Darn, the link won't work.

Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.

Drats!  Oh well, thanks for checking it out. 

[Pat McCotter]

"The Secret" saved my life!

Darn, the link won't work.

Looks like Amazon yanked it. Too bad; it was brilliant.

Drats!  Oh well, thanks for checking it out. 

Because the internet doesn't like broken links:

     The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007
    By Ari Brouillette

    Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

    At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

    My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

    Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

    The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

    The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

[Raineyrocks]

Thanks for posting that Pat!     Is that the same thing that your link was about KB?


I'm confused though, sorry.  Okay, here goes:

1.  Did the sharp toothbrush weapon just appear in Chapter six because he wanted it to or did his cell mate put it in there for him?

2. What way was his life changed by all the visualization he did while in solitary confinement?  Maybe that was just left for speculation?

[Pat McCotter]

Thanks for posting that Pat!     Is that the same thing that your link was about KB?


I'm confused though, sorry.  Okay, here goes:

1.  Did the sharp toothbrush weapon just appear in Chapter six because he wanted it to or did his cell mate put it in there for him?

2. What way was his life changed by all the visualization he did while in solitary confinement?  Maybe that was just left for speculation?

Yes.
For the better.
yes.