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"Let them march all they want, as long as they pay their taxes."  --Alexander Haig

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Author Topic: HUMOR  (Read 67073 times)

Eli

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #60 on: January 05, 2006, 11:54 AM NHFT »

Got this one today:
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him he a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #61 on: January 05, 2006, 02:01 PM NHFT »

LOL  ;D
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Eli

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #62 on: January 05, 2006, 02:34 PM NHFT »

Of course the punch line could omit Bush and be just as funny.
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #63 on: January 05, 2006, 04:35 PM NHFT »

Or the robot could say, "if this is what it does to you, perhaps you should quit drinking"
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #64 on: January 05, 2006, 04:43 PM NHFT »

 A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
>       the hospital.
>         While on the operating table she had a near death
>       experience.
>         Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
>         God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8
>       days to live."
>         Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
>       and have a
>         facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
>       someone come! in and
>         change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to
>       live, she
>         figured she might as well make the most of it.
>         After her last operation, she was released from the
>       hospital.  While
>         crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
>       ambulance.
>         Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you
>       said I had another
>         40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of
>     !   the ambulance?"
>      &nbs p;  God replied, "I didn't recognize you.


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Russell Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #65 on: January 05, 2006, 05:05 PM NHFT »

:)
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #66 on: January 05, 2006, 05:08 PM NHFT »

LOL :)
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Ron Helwig

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #67 on: January 06, 2006, 09:55 AM NHFT »

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2005/12/ideals.html

As you know, the Founding Fathers had a lot of time to write things down because they didn?t have television, and there are only so many hours that you can spend whittling new teeth. But I don?t believe they ever got together and created a document called the Bill of Ideals.  To understand their ideals we must look to their actions. Here are a few of the ideals they apparently shared:

1. Slavery ? excellent source of poontang
2. Women voting? That?s crazy talk!
3. People who don?t own land suck
4. A good way to change tax policy is through violence
5. It?s not really crossdressing if you also wear manly boots.
6. Treason is okay if you have a good reason.
7. No one wants to sit next to Ben Franklin
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #68 on: January 23, 2006, 10:27 AM NHFT »

A cop stops a priest for driving erratically.  "Have you been drinking, father?", he asks the priest.

"Why no, officer, just water"  He points to his water bottle on the seat.
The cop picks up the bottle, opens it and gives it a sniff.  Then he sticks it under the priests nose.

"I'll be darned! He's done it again!", the priest exclaims.
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #69 on: January 23, 2006, 11:19 AM NHFT »

 :)
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #70 on: January 26, 2006, 11:41 AM NHFT »

This is terrible and not PC :laughing7: ____________________________________________________

Medicare
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,   "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory.  When

your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's.  Frankly the results are either bad
or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS.  We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful!  Ca! n't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town.....lf he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."




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Thespis

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #71 on: January 26, 2006, 01:41 PM NHFT »

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Pat McCotter

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #72 on: January 26, 2006, 06:03 PM NHFT »

For PatK
from engrish.com.

Thanks Thespis. These are always fun.
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Pat K

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #73 on: January 27, 2006, 01:45 AM NHFT »

LOL, not any engine room I have ever been in.  ;D
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #74 on: February 05, 2006, 09:22 AM NHFT »

I follow Amanda's Journal, and, Sandy's as well.  The other day Amanda posted this and I had to share it:


Just once, I'd like to see a cookie fortune that says, "End of roll. Change tape now."
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