HUMOR

[Raineyrocks]

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

[Lloyd Danforth]

God and Satan
>
> In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
>
> Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
>
> So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
>
> God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
>
> God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
>
> God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
>
> God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
>
> And then...Satan chuckled
>
> and created the National Health Service

[Friday]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope,
"Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do...

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just
one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many
around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

[Lloyd Danforth]

> Hebronics
>
> Ma, throw me out the window, a pickle!
>
> The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish
> English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the
> move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize
> Hebronics as a valid language and a siginificant attribute of American
> culture.
>
> According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College
> and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics
> derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as
> Yiddish.
>
> Professor Shulman explains,
> "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another
> question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
>
> Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "
>
> Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
> expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a
> word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains.
> Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"
>
> Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the
> end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
>
> Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the
> sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a
> turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he
> walks."
>
> "The responses must have that particular eastern European Jewish
> intonation", adds Dr. Shulman.
>
> Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling
> textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:
>
> Question: "What time is it?"
> English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
> Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"
>
> Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
> English answer: "Thanks."
> Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"
>
> Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
> English answer: "Be right there."
> Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the
> 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
>
> Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
> English answer: "Glad you like it."
> Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other
> ties I gave you?"
>
> Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
> English answer: "Congratulations!"
> Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
>
> Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
> English answer: "Just say when."
> Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
>
> To the guest of honour at a birthday party:
> English answer: "Happy birthday."
> Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."
>
> Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
> English answer: "Sure is."
> Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
>
> Answering a phone call from a son:
> English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
> Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
>
>    Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you
> regardless if you send it to another
>    few   people!!!
>

[CJS]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..........

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

This is the best joke I have seen in a long time .... if you only knew how bad I need to laugh today , TY

[Lloyd Danforth]

A man was shipwrecked and washed p on a desert island with a sheepdog and a sheep.
A the days went on he missed the attentions of a woman.
He remembered stories about Sheperds and sheep from stories his father told him about the village in Greece that he had come from.
After a while the sheep started looking pretty good to him but, whenever he tried to approach it the dog would growl, menacingly.
One day a beautiful woman washed ashore, half dead.  He nursed and few her back to health.
After a few weeks she said she knew he had been alone for some time and asked if there wasn't something she could do to thank him for saving her life.
He thought about it for a while and then said,

"Could you take the dog for a walk?"

[Lloyd Danforth]

Subject: Dad at the mall
> >
> >           I took my dad to the mall the other day to
> >           buy some new
> >            shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a
> >           bite at the food
> >            court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
> >           sitting next to
> >            him.
> >
> >                            The teenager had spiked
> >           hair in all
> >            different colors: green, red, orange, and
> >           blue. My dad kept
> >            staring at him. The teenager would look and
> >           find him staring
> >            every time. When the teenager had had
> >           enough, he
> >            sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
> >           man,
> >            never done anything wild in your life?'
> >           Knowing my Dad,
> >            I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
> >           not choke on his
> >            response, knowing he would have a good one,
> >           and in classic
> >            style he did not bat an eye in his
> >           response. 'Got drunk
                once, and had sex with a peacock. I was
                just wondering if
               you were my son.'

[Raineyrocks]

It Pays to Speak German

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sh-t in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[Raineyrocks]

 I figured I'd better post this now before Lloyd finds it and uses it as another "rainey" joke.

BLONDE JOKE

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[dalebert]

How deep does the rabbit hole go??!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbl-vMN2gzo

[dalebert]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVfVqfIN8_c

[dalebert]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvpnjYEO0gc

[Lloyd Danforth]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.



Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,


Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. 


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report Card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

[Lloyd Danforth]

    Only in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the
    article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

    In summary; The police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white
    male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
    Friday.

    Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
    indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
    decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
    was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
    stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the
    side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
    purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his a! lleged "need."
    "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
    evident embarrassment.

    In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car
    approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin Taylor
    approached him.

    "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
    "I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin.
    Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward.

    "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
    screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
    looked me straight in the face and said...
    "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?

[Tom Sawyer]

We can't see the images Lloyd...
They are in your webmail, not accessible to us.