HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

[Lloyd Danforth]

Thanks Dale.  Hope you can see it now.

[MTPorcupine3]

John  was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several  hundred young hens called  'pullets,'  and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
   He  kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
   This  took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
   Each  bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,  which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the  porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favourite rooster, old Butch,  was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!   
    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
   To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk  on to the next  one.
   John  was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
    The result was the judges not only  awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
    Clearly  old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a  politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying  attention.

Vote  carefully ...the bells are not always  audible...

[Raineyrocks]

That's a good one, Lloyd! 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. 
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.  He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....."

[MTPorcupine3]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

[Tom Sawyer]

[Pat K]

There goes your cool spot in Hell.

[Friday]

When Death Star Fell 

http://www.wimp.com/starfell/

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[Pat K]

"your all Drones, especially the Drones."

LOL

[Friday]

Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Digital Short: Firelight

[dalebert]

Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Digital Short: Firelight

Oddly enough, it's not as stupid as the actual Twilight movie.

[Pat K]

http://www.wimp.com/sciencejokes/

[Lloyd Danforth]

> >                          Four Cats
> >
> >
> >
> >        Four men were bragging about how smart  their
> >                          cats were.
> >
> >                 The first man was an Engineer,
> >
> >              the second man was an Accountant,
> >
> >               the third man was a Chemist, and
> >
> >          the fourth man was a Government Employee.
> >
> >
> >
> >          To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
> >
> >                  'T-square, do your stuff.'
> >
> >              T-square pranced over to the desk,
> >
> >           took out some paper and pen and promptly
> >
> >           drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
> >
> >            Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
> >
> >
> >
> >       But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
> >
> >                 He called his cat and said,
> >
> >                'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
> >
> >           Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and
> >                returned with a dozen cookies.
> >
> >       He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
> >
> >            Everyone agreed that was pretty good!
> >
> >
> >
> >         But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
> >
> >                 He called his cat and said,
> >
> >                  'Measure, do your stuff.'
> >
> >            Measure got up, walked to the fridge,
> >
> >                  took out a quart of milk,
> >
> >            got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
> >
> >                 and poured exactly 8 ounces
> >
> >           without spilling a drop into the glass.
> >
> >             Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
> >
> >
> >
> >               Then the three men turned to the
> >
> >                Government Employee and said,
> >
> >                   'What can your cat do?'
> >
> >
> >
> >           The Government Employee called his cat and
> >                            said,
> >
> >               'Coffee Break, do your stuff..'
> >
> >            Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >                   ate the cookies..... ..
> >
> >                    drank the milk.......
> >
> >                   shit on the paper.......
> >
> >
> >
> >             screwed the other three cats.......
> >
> >           claimed he injured his back while doing
> >                          so.......
> >
> >
> >
> >         filed a grievance report for unsafe working
> >                      conditions.......
> >
> >
> >
> >         put in for Workers' Compensation. ..........
> >                           .....and
> >
> >       went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.