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"Let them march all they want, as long as they pay their taxes."  --Alexander Haig

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Author Topic: HUMOR  (Read 67071 times)

Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #75 on: February 07, 2006, 09:15 AM NHFT »

This was in TLE:

Letter from E.J. Totty

The oldest profession...

A man walks into a pub. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it and if you got the money, honey I got the time.

So?" He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

E.J. Totty
ejt@seanet.com
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #76 on: February 07, 2006, 09:21 AM NHFT »

 ;D
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #77 on: March 16, 2006, 12:15 PM NHFT »

No Sex Since 1955

 A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
 local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
 idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom a! pproached the Sergeant Major for
 conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is  something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
 "1955, ma'am."
 
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?  She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
  said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



 (Don't ya love military time?!)
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Kat Kanning

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #78 on: March 16, 2006, 01:10 PM NHFT »

hehe
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Happy Dude

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #79 on: March 16, 2006, 01:22 PM NHFT »


 


 
    You're an EXTREME Redneck if...

   1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table

       in front of her kids.

   2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down

       depending on how  much gas is in it.

   3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

   4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

   5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

   6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

   7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

   8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

   9. Your junior prom offered day care.

  10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are

       "Gentlemen, start your engines."

  11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

  12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

  13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

  15. You need one more hole punched in your card

       to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

  16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

  17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.




 
 
   
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #80 on: March 16, 2006, 02:23 PM NHFT »

18) If your family tree doesn't fork
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Pat K

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #81 on: March 16, 2006, 03:09 PM NHFT »

19- You mow your yard and find 2 cars, you fergot were there.
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Tunga

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Riddle
« Reply #82 on: March 16, 2006, 08:50 PM NHFT »

What do you call a deer with no eyes? ???
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Ron Helwig

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Re: Riddle
« Reply #83 on: March 16, 2006, 09:37 PM NHFT »

What do you call a deer with no eyes? ???

carcass?
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AlanM

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Re: Riddle
« Reply #84 on: March 16, 2006, 10:56 PM NHFT »

What do you call a deer with no eyes? ???

no idea  ;D

no eye dear
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BaRbArIaN

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Re: HUMOR (Irish)
« Reply #85 on: March 17, 2006, 05:16 PM NHFT »

An old man in one certain bar in Ireland every year sat down on St. Patty's Day and ordered three ales at a time and drank them all one sip from each glass at a time until they were all gone.

After a few years of observing this, the barkeep finally asked him why he drank them that way.

"Well," he said, "me brother Kent is in Australia and me brother Connor is in America, and we promised each other that every St. Patty's we'd drink together. This is the way we all do it since we are so far apart."

"Ah," said the barkeep, "that's a fine tradition then. Thank ye for sharin', this round is on the house."

The next year, the same old man comes into the bar on St. Patty's Day but only orders two ales and proceeds to drink them the usual way, one sip from each at a time.

"Oh no sir, don't tell me one of your brothers has passed on?"

"Eh? No, they're fine thanks fer askin'," he said, "I just quit drinkin' is all!"
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #86 on: March 17, 2006, 06:40 PM NHFT »

What do you call a field full of masturbating cattle?
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #87 on: March 17, 2006, 09:37 PM NHFT »

Beef Stroganoff
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Eli

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #88 on: March 20, 2006, 09:30 AM NHFT »

Emailed to me at work today...


The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George Looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
 
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
 
Cheney added, "! That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
 
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 385 million people very happy."
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Lloyd Danforth

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Re: HUMOR
« Reply #89 on: March 20, 2006, 09:41 AM NHFT »

Oh!...is the above still allowed under the Patriot Act?
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