HUMOR

[dalebert]

Rejected by Don Hertzfeldt

I've seen it many, many, many times and I'm still not tired of it!

[dalebert]

Guy walks into the butcher and orders one of the large pepperonis.

The butcher asks "Do you want me to slice that for you?"

"Slice it? Jeethus Critht! What do you think my ass is? A piggy-bank?"

[Lloyd Danforth]

Stickers. Mostly for seniors.



Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone
Else And Seek Counseling.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Remember: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

[MTPorcupine3]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.   

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?" 
   
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq  for two years." 
   
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." 
     
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 
   
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." 
   
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." 
   
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
   
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we  just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."

[shyfrog]

Channeling Your Inner Blonde

[MTPorcupine3]

Just heard the Obama administration will be honoring
the 43rd president George W. Bush by naming the gap
between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.
The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault".

[MTPorcupine3]

For decades pundits have been saying that The New Orleans Saints Were so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.

On  Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. Was paralyzed under several Feet of snow and the Government was shut down.
I suppose we now know where hell really is...

[Lloyd Danforth]

Just in case you get a check...

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment.  This is a very exciting program.  I'll explain it using the Q and
A format:

Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers..

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-def TV set,
      thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A.  Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:       


1  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go
to China.
2  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India. 
4  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go
to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
5  If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6  If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7  If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay
management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by:

1     spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or     
2     going to baseball or football games, or     
3     hiring prostitutes, or     
4     buying cheap beer or     
5     getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in
the US .

Conclusion:

The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a
prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're
drunk enough to go get tattoo.

[MTPorcupine3]

Some good humor to start your week.
Origin unknown.


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was in shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mommy, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. "Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[Lloyd Danforth]

LiveLeak.com - Awesome News Room Fight

[MTPorcupine3]

True Love


Little Billy and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Billy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says,
'Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
'Well, Billy, you are only 10.    Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, 'In Jenny's
room.    It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
'Okay then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Billy instantly replies,   'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.    That's about 60 bucks a month
and that should do us just fine.'


Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
'Well, Billy, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.    What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?'

Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[MTPorcupine3]

Retiree Bathtub Test:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Lloyd Danforth]

[Pat McCotter]

[Pat McCotter]

Schools Require Drinking?
or
Monks perfect their brewing