HUMOR

[Pat McCotter]

You can't make this stuph up.

Driving while shaving: woman crashes car while trimming her private parts

Megan Mariah Barnes, a 37-year-old Florida resident, was so excited to be meeting her boyfriend in Key West that she decided to use the travel time to do a little extra grooming.

But Ms. Barnes, cruising Highway 1 behind the wheel of her Ford Thunderbird, wasn't applying extra lipstick or tweezing her eyebrows; she was preparing her bikini line by doing a little lady gardening.

According to the Florida Highway Patrol, Barnes' Thunderbird rammed a pickup truck causing minor injuries to the three passengers inside. Barnes, whose ex-husband was with her in the vehicle, drove about a half-mile past the accident scene, where it is alleged that she pulled over to switch places with her former hubby so that Barnes wouldn't appear to have been behind the wheel.

The groomer, it seems, was more concerned with the perception that she was smuggling Larry Fine in her swimsuit than she was with her previous day's conviction for driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend and wanted to be ready for the visit," Florida State Trooper Gary Dunick told the Florida Citizen, "If I wouldn't have been there I wouldn't have believed it."

Dunick wasn't specific on whether the disbelief stemmed from the act itself or the enormous amount of 'deforestation' needed.

Authorities said the woman's ex-husband was holding the wheel from the passenger seat while she attempted to shave. After plowing into the pick-up as it slowed to make a turn, the pair drove just far enough out of sight to change seats.

Unfortunately, that story failed to dispel police suspicion thanks to the deployment of the passenger side airbag, which left her husband, Charles Judy, with airbag burns on his chest.

The airbag  in the steering wheel did not deploy.

In addition to her conviction and license revocation, Barnes is now facing charges of driving with a revoked license, reckless driving and driving with no insurance. She also faces a charge of leaving the scene of an accident with injuries.

"About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot," Trooper Dunick said, "who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it."

[Pat McCotter]

What seems to be a cute and innocent-looking flash drive puppy...

[EthanLeeVita]

That story is all sorts of weird. You'd think there would be some awkwardness with trimming oneself with an ex-husband right there. And then the needles from before?

[Friday]

coming soon, to an auto dealership near you

http://www.freedomaction.net/video/the-2012-pelosi-gtxi-ssrt

[Tom Sawyer]

That is really well written...

E has noticed that you never see a manly man driving a Prius. 

[MTPorcupine3]

Dear Lord,In the past year you have taken away my favorite actor (Patrick Swayze) my favorite actress (Farah Fawcett) my favorite musician (Michael Jackson) and my favorite salesperson (Billy Mays). I just wanted to let you know that my favorite legislator is NancyPelosi. Amen
======
Origin unknown; I lifted it from a FaceBook post.

[MTPorcupine3]

Let's have a party!!!!

 
Rules for Bullshit Bingo
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit
Bingo" card by drawing a square

(I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five
across and five down.

That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.)

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

. Restored our reputation
. Strategic fit
. Let me be clear
. Make no mistake
. Back from the brink
. Signs of recovery
. Out of the loop
. Benchmark
. Job creation
. Fiscal restraint
. Win-win
. Affordable health care
. Previous Administration
. Greed on Wall Street
. At the end of the day
. Empower (or empowerment)
. Touch base
. Mindset
. Corporate greed
. Ballpark
. Game plan
. Leverage
. Inherited as in "I inherited this mess?"
. Relief for working families

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout

"BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." -
Jack W., Boston

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D.,
Florida

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." -
Bill R., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the
fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third
time in two hours." - Harry A, Chantilly

[shyfrog]

Web Site Story

[Raineyrocks]

My New Truck

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche

And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the
radio was voice activated
Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and

'On  The Road Again' came from the speakers.


Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.


I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if
I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.



Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.


I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of  The United  States"



Damn I love this truck!!!!!

[Friday]

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Five: One to screw in a new bulb, and four to beat the crap out of the old one.

[Friday]

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
       
      A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
       
      Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
       
      Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
       
      Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
       
      A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
       
      A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
       
      Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
       
      Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
       
      Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
       
      Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
       
      When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
       
      A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
       
      What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
       
      Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
       
      In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
       
      She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
       
      A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
       
      If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
       
      With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
       
      The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
       
      You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
       
      Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
     
      Every calendar's days are numbered.
       
      A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
       
      A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
       
      He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
       
      A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
      at large.
       
      Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
       
      Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
       
      Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
       
      Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Kat Kanning]

I think I'll send those to Russell, Friday.  He'll be so bored in jail that he'll even read puns

[dalebert]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

You realize you're just encouraging Sam A. Robrin.  Shame on you!

[Sam A. Robrin]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

You realize you're just encouraging Sam A. Robrin.  Shame on you!

"Can we just change the subject now?"
"Mais oui."
"All right--May we just change the subject now?"

[dalebert]

My submissions in response to this post on Cyanide & Happiness:
http://www.explosm.net/comics/2021/