HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

> > The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher...
> >
> > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
> myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
> second grade classroom a few years back.
> >
> > When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
> sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
> show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
> airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
> ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug
> it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
> >
> > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
> kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
> pillow stuffed under her sweater.
> >
> > She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
> and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
> >
> > 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
> put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
> months through an umbrella cord.'
> >
> > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
> to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
> her in amazement.
> >
> > 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
> Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked
> around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing
> a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> >
> > 'My Dad called the middle wife.. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
> have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
> down in bed like this..' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
> wall.)
> >
> > 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
> he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
> psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
> water flowing away. It was too much!)
> >
> > 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
> breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
> of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that
> they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be
> a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
> for crawling up in there.'
> >
> > Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
> seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
> show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
> Wife' comes along.

[KBCraig]

 

[Pat McCotter]

From the mouths of babes!

[Becky Thatcher]

[Pat McCotter]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered...

Wait for it. wait for it...

You're just going to love this... 

[Pat K]

[Pat K]

Oh those wacky germans...

TV-Spot Kackel Dackel

[Jim Johnson]

At least it's not a Tootsie Roll that your suppose to eat after the anal extrusion.

[Lloyd Danforth]

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12320_senior-love-story.html

[Pat McCotter]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Bear with me if you remember the last 3 or 4 times I posted this joke.


                               __________________________________


Santa had just come down the chimney and was spreading gifts under the tree:

"ahem"

He turns and before him is a really beautiful young woman lying on a couch, wearing a see thru negligee.

"Do you think you can stay a while Santa?"

Santa cleared his throat and said, "Ho Ho Ho!  Got To Go!  Lots of toys for girls and boys!"

She stands with the light behind her. "Are you sure you can't stay, Santa?"

"Ho Ho Ho!  Got To Go! Lots of toys for girls and boys!" Santa squeaked.

She reaches up to shoulders and the negligee falls to the floor.  "Just for a little while, Santa"

Dropping his bag to the floor,  "Hey Hey Hey!  May as well stay!  Can't get back up the chimney this way!

[MTPorcupine3]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Maine for some sightseeing.  He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, an 'Obama' cap and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around  trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot black bear. 

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using long clubs, the three loggers  finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back  seat. 

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.  'I have heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.' 

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied.   'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.' 

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
 

[Kat Kanning]

lol 

[dalebert]

[Lloyd Danforth]

Where do you get the miniature carrots?