HUMOR

[dalebert]

Where do you get the miniature carrots?

No idea.  Maybe he used giant cookies and giant marshmallows because he couldn't get miniature carrots.

[Friday]

here's one from my dad the New Yorker:



God  was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him  resting on the seventh day.
  He inquired, "Where have you  been?"
  God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
  Archangel Michael  looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
  "It's a planet," replied  God, and I've put life on it... I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to  be a place to test Balance."
  "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm  still confused."
  God explained, pointing to different parts of  Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity  and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've  placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things.
  God continued pointing to different  countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very  cold and covered in ice."
  The Archangel, impressed by God's work,  then pointed to a land
area and said, "What's that  one?"
  "That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on  earth. It is
surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests,  hills, and
plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be  handsome and
beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely  sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace
and producers of  good things."
  Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then  asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be  balance..."
  God smiled, "Yes.  Further south is  Washington, DC.  Wait till you
see the idiots I put  there."

[Russell Kanning]

lots of funny stuph

[dalebert]

[Becky Thatcher]

[Friday]

A Little-Known Christmas Story   

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.   

Not a lot of people know this.

[Ron Helwig]

[Never expected to find this thread under Endless Debate and Whining » Childish Board, but I did look under Insufferable Peppiness and Gloating]

Just got this from my dad:

98% of visitors say "OH  SHIT" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Minnesota and they say, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

[Ron Helwig]

He also sent this attached picture.

[MikeforLiberty]

We all know this kindly vet, don't we.

[Pat McCotter]

Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddamn cat!'

[John]

A little wedding humor:

Funny video in Church

[dalebert]

Was warned about this in boot camp, and sure enough it happened on a regular basis.  When people are standing for a long time, if they aren't careful to avoid locking their knees, it obstructs blood flow and you can pass out.  Heat, certain foods in your stomach, biological predispositions, etc. can all make it worse.

[Lloyd Danforth]

LOL  ????

[Russell Kanning]

one of those ministers was just getting a closer look at the bride's breasts

[Pat McCotter]

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the chief boatswain that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The chief responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The chief went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better.