HUMOR

[Pat McCotter]

And that's why the chicken crossed the road.

http://www.backwoodshome.com/nl/nl1101.html

[Pat K]

 

[Raineyrocks]

 

That was a great one Pat!

[Lloyd Danforth]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes,  there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

[Friday]

LIFE EXPLAINED:

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

In turn, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Russell Kanning]

outstanding
the other guys in this thread are at the monkey trick stage

[Lloyd Danforth]

http://dougstumblr.tumblr.com/post/3233900394

[Pat McCotter]

[dalebert]

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

There's white-out all over the screen.

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

> A redneck from Arkansas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dun & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumnus of the University of Arkansas , a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world, and that your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
>
> The good 'ole Arkansas boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
>
> His name was BUBBA..

[Friday]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's new health care proposals.

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.

The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ear, nose and throat specialists wouldn't hear of it.

The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, whilst the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arses in London.

[dalebert]

http://www.frostheaves.com/2011/03/yoga-for-yankees.html

[John]

Cool, I was just coming over here to post that.
Good stuff. And, "easy for beginnas."

[KBCraig]

The next fahm is "Roof reiki".