HUMOR

[cathleeninnh]

For My Politically Correct Friends:


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,
my best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive,
gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
or secular practices of your choice, with respect for
the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great. Not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country nor the
only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the
wishee.


Cathleen

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

Subject: Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband's flagging libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not to fret,"replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a

twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[Lloyd Danforth]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her
nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[error]

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Kat Kanning]

My parents enjoyed that one, too, Lloyd.

[David]

      Irish Viagra. 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Thank you for shopping Wall- Mart

  One day, in line at the company
cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the comp uter lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

[Lloyd Danforth]

> The Painter
>
>
>
> There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny
where
> he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit
further.
>
> As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist
> Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest
buildings.
>
> Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
>
> So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying
> the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
>
> Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed,
> when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and
the
> rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and
knocking
> Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
> surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
>
> Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down
> on his knees and cried:
>
> "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
>
> And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
> (you're going to love this)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Lloyd Danforth]

 HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM
> Wisconsin ?
> ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A Wisconsin RADIO
> STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
>
> A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
> (with monthly payments of $560.00).
>
> He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin
> It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are
> frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their
> GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
>
> They decide they want to make a natural looking open
> water for the ducks to focus on, something for the
> decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice
> large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to
> take a little more power than the average drill
> auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new
> Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40
> second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
> they might slip on the ice while trying to run away
> after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along
> with the Navigator), decide on the following course
> of action:
>
> They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty
> thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away
> as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back
> when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the
> DOG...???
>
> Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
> used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the
> owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the
> ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
> dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as
> it hits the ice.
>
> The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms
> and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
> stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to
> stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his
> Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the
> shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
> with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
> Lab.
>
> The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then
> continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
> still standing, becomes really confused and of
> course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have
> gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER
> the brand new Navigator
> The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
> exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear
> end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck
> and takes off after his master.
>
>
> ! Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! !
> !
>
> The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom
> of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there
> with "I can't believe this just happened" look on
> their faces.
>
> The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in
> a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED
> by the policy. And he still had yet to make the
> first of those $560.00 a month payments.
>
> The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

[Lloyd Danforth]

http://webmail.aol.com/24019/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.15193538&folder=New+Mail&partId=2&saveAs=Cordless_Power_Wrench.wmv

[KBCraig]

That's the URL to your personal email, Lloyd. The rest of us can't see it.

[Lloyd Danforth]

Kool!  maybe I'll get some interesting email

[Lloyd Danforth]

BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE

This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along.  Check your driver's license... Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own!  I just searched for mine and there it was... picture and all!  Thanks Homeland Security!  Privacy, where is our right to it?  I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same.....

Go to the website below and check it out.  Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file.  After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".  This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.


        <http://www.license.shorturl.com/
http://www.license.shorturl.com

[Russell Kanning]

http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp

[error]

http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp

http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/