HUMOR

[41mag]

Why don't you tax my tuna and buy it some drugs?!

That would require a Republican.   

[Dreepa]

Why don't you tax my tuna and buy it some drugs?!

That would require a Republican.   

No a Republican would ban it.   

[CNHT]

How to discredit your arresting officer...


An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "

Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "

Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "

Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me you stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: Murdered the owner? "

Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims you don't have a drivers license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.  The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, you stole this car, and you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

[Kat Kanning]

lol

[dalebert]

Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

I love it!

*Jots down a note for future reference*

[J’raxis 270145]

Hopefully the cop wasn't recording the initial conversation.

[Tom Sawyer]

How many libertatians does it take to kill your buzz?






one 

[Lloyd Danforth]

                                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
  One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
  several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.                       
                                                                           
  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat   
  out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and     
                                                                           
  begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.         
                                                                           
  Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up               
  alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" 
                                                                           
  "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").         
                                                                           
  "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.                   
                                                                           
  "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."                   
                                                                           
  "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could     
  start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."         
                                                                           
  "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the   
  woman.                                                                   
                                                                           
  "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.                   
                                                                           
  "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could   
  start at any moment."                                                     
                                                                           
  "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.   

[CNHT]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I loved it..... and I can't resist this...

It's a pity -- I have noticed that so many men 'have the equipment' but they don't know how (or when) to use it!

[Friday]

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off:  "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.



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[Lloyd Danforth]

Thanks Sandy.  My grandmother told me that one about 50 years ago

[Friday]

Yeah... but I'll bet yer grandmother didn't attach a .jpg when she told it. 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Yeah... but I'll bet yer grandmother didn't attach a .jpg when she told it. 

I often think about how my parents and my friends who have passed on would have gotten a kick out of Al Gore's internet.  My grandmother would think it was Voodoo or some kind of payback for telling jokes about God.

[Friday]

Those of you not on despair.com's email list are missing out on some truly hilarious spam.  Here's the latest:

The Blogosphere is exploding- like a self-replicating supervirus bursting with mundane observations, bad poetry, and generously misrepresentative photos. Never have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

"What can be done to stop it?",you ask, the alarm clearly palpable on your face.

"Don't look at me with that innocent expression. I know you have a blog, too!"

"But so does Despair!, you retort, your voice faltering.

"The difference is that people actually READ ours!" I deftly counter.

And, of course, when confronted with that most painful of truths, tears well up in your eyes. You feel the familiar burning cheeks, those very same cheeks that have for years betrayed your vulnerability as others less gentle than I tormented you. The tyrannical bully who gave you atomic wedgies in junior high. The fetching green-eyed linebacker or cheerleader in your Home Economics class. The indifferent boss who yawns every time you start talking about the novel you plan to one day finish.

Only the stoniest of hearts wouldn't be moved at the heart-rending spectacle you make of yourself in this moment of desperate frailty.

As I look at the sobbing sack of shoulders you become, the words well up in me, "Quiet you pencil-necked, Home EC taking wannabee novelist! Like I don't have my own problems to deal with!"

But I swallow those words before they are spoken. And instead, moved by a force larger than myself, I offer you a cloth with which to wipe your tears. At first, you shrink away, knowing me too well, expecting the final blow to be delivered and somehow knowing deeply within yourself that you probably deserve it. But there is no such blow, no back-handed smackdown. I only shrug and offer the kind of pitying look that you fantasize millions might offer you if they would only read your blog and got to know that most secret side of you that you... can't... stop...posting...onto...the Internet.

As you wipe the tears away, you feel something unfamiliar and alien on the cloth. A rubbery texture. You pull it away- seeing for the first time a screen-printed word.

You unfold it, the word becomes a phrase- the phrase becomes a joke, and the joke is on YOU!

MORE PEOPLE HAVE READ THIS SHIRT
THAN YOUR BLOG.

And now, oh the tears how the flow! One shirt proves not enough, and I hand you another, and then another, and with practiced fingers of a Classical Pianist, you reduce them all into your personal snotrags, blubbering away, desperate to escape to a computer, any computer, where you can recount yet another moment in another chapter of an impossibly inconsequential drama that you continue to foist upon the two regular readers of your blog who aren't you*.

Mustering as much dignity as is possible when unknowingly sporting a dried mucus plug in your left nostril, you state calmly, "I'm going home."

"I understand,"I reply,"There's something you need to do."

"Yes. There is. Goodbye."

And you run, faster even than your still-open right nostril does. Yet you are not so fast that my final words do not sting in your ears, "You know you gotta pay for those shirts!"

* FYI- one of those is the Technorati bot. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.

[Insurgent]

Despair.com really rocks! Truly subversive stuff; their de-motivational posters are phenomenal. I've been a dissatisfied customer for quite some time and have given them money for t-shirts, posters and coffee mugs. My personal favorite http://despair.com/mis24x30prin.html