HUMOR

[Pat K]

This is how my Thanksgiving morning went yesterday.

My Sister's dog insits I get up at the ridiculous time of 7am.

(I am House and dog sitting)

I find I cannot get back to sleep even though I only slept
4 hours. So I wash up get dressed make coffee.

Look out window see paper has arrived.

Go out to get paper, an older man is walking what appears to be
small white dog, though it could have been a large Rat.

I say good morning, Happy Thanksgiving!

He says have you thanked Jesus?

( inappropriate thoughts pop into head, just smile and go inside Pat I think)

He says will you be thanking Jesus later?

Not being able to stop myself.

I say, you know I tried to thank Jesus, but he never answers the phone.
You always just get that same old recording on the answering machine.
Hello this is Jesus I cant come to the phone right now cause I'm hanging from a cross.

If you leave your name and number I will get back to you,
as soon as I am done bleeding for your sins.

He walks away mumbling some thing that does not sound very  loving.

I go inside to read paper and drink coffee hoping my sister does not come home to some church group picketing the house.

[Tom Sawyer]

Damn Pat you are the King of the Comeback. 

[Kat Kanning]

Is that a true story?

[Pat K]

Is that a true story?

Yes it is. ( I stole um borrowed the ah cadence of telling it from
Sandy's blog entries, I like to steal from the best.  )

[Pat K]

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?

A. Cows survive the branding.

[Pat McCotter]

Childproof ... Isn't
(Or, the things 5 little boys taught me)
By Kathy Jackson

If you dump an entire container of bubblebath into the upstairs sink, a little at a time, while running the water full blast, bubbles will come out of every other drain in the house.

Sword-fighting with vacuum cleaner parts almost always results in broken windows.

So does playing baseball.

If you tell your kids to play baseball only on the 'safe' side of the house, they'll manage to break a window anyway.

Always, always, always empty their pockets before you put their clothes into the wash.

Better yet, have them do it.

Frogs do not like washing machines.

Or dryers.

When a 3 year old wants to know how long a roll of toilet paper is, he will lean as far out of the upstairs window as he can to unroll it.

The neighbors will call if they see a small child apparently about to fall out of an upstairs window.

Twice.

Did I mention childproof locks aren't?

There is no such thing as a child old enough to know better.

Dialing 9-1-1 and then hanging up almost always results in a visit from Officer Friendly.

Dialing 9-1-1, yelling, "Help! Help! Everyone hates me!" and then hanging up results in a visit from Officer Unfriendly.

Scissors should never be allowed in the same house as 4 year olds.

If you use the scissors to cut the cord to the radio while the radio is plugged in, it makes a really cool, loud popping noise.

And it melts a hole right through the metal part of the scissors, too.

Childproof locks ... aren't.
Childproof gates ... aren't.
Childproof ... isn't.

If your big brother has a twenty-gallon aquarium in his upstairs bedroom, you can take the end of the tubing out of the tank and watch the water pump out onto the floor.

Nineteen and three-quarters gallons is a lot of water.

Fish can look worried.
(Who knew...?)

Aquarium water that has soaked through the upstairs floor onto the ceiling below looks remarkably like someone peed on the ceiling.

If you report to your mom that someone peed on the downstairs ceiling, she probably won't panic immediately. This is because she doesn't believe you.

A carpet that has had nineteen and three-quarters gallons of aquarium water spilled on it never smells quite the same afterward.

Dishwasher soap isn't good for you and doesn't taste good, but toddlers like it anyway.

The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.

Tums aren't poisonous, but it's not a good idea to eat the whole bottle at once.

The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.

Philodendron leaves aren't really good for you and don't taste good, but toddlers will eat them anyway.

The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.

Nobody in his right mind would eat a handful of ladybugs.

A two-year-old boy cannot be said to be in his right mind.

If you call the Poison Control Center often enough, the nice lady will remember you.

You can get your four-year-old brother to try to take his bike over the bicycle ramp you just built if you talk fast enough. He really wants to, anyway.

A bright red goose egg on your little brother's elbow looks remarkably like a broken arm.

If you stand in the middle of the garden and throw dirt clods up in the air as hard as you can so that when they come down you can break them with your head, eventually you will get one with a rock in it.

Head wounds bleed.

A lot.

It is a miracle that any male child lives to adulthood

[Kat Kanning]

LOL 

[dalebert]

It is a miracle that any male child lives to adulthood

I resemble that remark!

[Friday]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.   

[Friday]

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?  Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.   You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
     
    1.   When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
     
    2.   When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
     
    3.   When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
     
    4.   When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
     
    5.   When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
     
    6.   When you are confused -- I will use little words.
     
    7.   When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
     
    8.   When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
     
    9.   This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
     
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.   

[Kat Kanning]

 

[Pat K]

 

Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.

[Jim Johnson]

Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.

Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills?  You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you?  That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills.   

[Pat K]

Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.

Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills?  You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you?  That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills.   

Well from reading Sandy's own words,
it is to be reasoned that she is frequently
navigational challenged.

As for the rest of your post,
you best hope she finds it
funny. For the wrath of the
Berzerker Babe is swift and merciless.

[Jim Johnson]

Of course it is a good thing Santa does not
depend on Sandy's Navigational skills.

Why... what's wrong with Sandy's navigational skills?  You didn't send her that map to the front of your pants did you?  That doesn't mean she has bad navigational skills.   

Well from reading Sandy's own words,
it is to be reasoned that she is frequently
navigational challenged.

As for the rest of your post,
you best hope she finds it
funny. For the wrath of the
Berzerker Babe is swift and merciless.

If she doesn't find it funny why would you go nuts?