HUMOR

[Becky Thatcher]

Art Interpretation

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Welsh coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Jim Johnson]

 

English Jokes...   

[Friday]

Just another day in the U.S. court system...

These are from  a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people  actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband  said to you that morning?
WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that  upset you?  WITNESS: My name is  Susan!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Jim Johnson]

Clinton Goofs on Russian Translation

Hilary Clinton presented Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov with a gift-wrapped red button, which said "Reset" in English and "Peregruzka" in Russian. The problem was, "peregruzka" doesn't mean reset. It means overcharged, or overloaded.

And Lavrov called her out on it.

"We worked hard to get the right Russian word. Do you think we got it?" Clinton asked Lavrov.

"You got it wrong," Lavrov said. "This says 'peregruzka,' which means overcharged."

Clinton says, "Jeez, no wonder it cost so much!"

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/03/06/clinton-goofs-russian-translation-tells-diplomat-wants-overcharge-ties/

[Pat McCotter]

[Lloyd Danforth]

Got this from my sister.

[KBCraig]

[KBCraig]

Fun in the snow, just for Pat K.

[Sam A. Robrin]

Probably just can't wait to put a red tint on the black jack . . .

[KBCraig]

Quibble: you don't need a clean pan for bacon. Frying bacon sterilizes everything, and cures polio!

[KBCraig]

I don't understand this being called a "fail". It's a win in my book, especially at PorcFest!

[Pat K]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

Clever Germans!

[Brandon]

"The only golf club guaranteed to keep you out of the woods."

[KBCraig]

Arresting Lauren Canario: like taking a cat for a walk on a leash.



"Ow! My back!"