HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

For some reason, although it is supposed to be a retired person, I kept seeing Becky Thatcher as the protagonist.

A TRIP TO COSTCO  Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Costco won't let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired peo ple. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.......it will be their Laugh for the day       

[Becky Thatcher]

Hey!!!!!  What are you saying here, Loyd? 

Thanks for thinking of me.  LOL  That was pretty damn funny, I wish I was that quick witted.   

[Kat Kanning]

You're right, Lloyd, I can really see Becky in that story. 

I'm going to have to think of good story for the inevitable question, "why are you buying so many bananas?"

[Becky Thatcher]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[41mag]

It was pretty funny, you should give it a shot.

Do you think a 41 caliber would work?

[Humorrhoid]

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired peo ple. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.......it will be their Laugh for the day       

[/quote]

Llyyd , in particular those who are retired people who are on viagra. If they died of heart attack , an open coffin again . Or a horseshoe will be sufficient.

[Lloyd Danforth]

Rainey stopped by, ran in, and made me let her post this:



REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.


    He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
    year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

    Hellloooo,.......just because I'm blonde doesn't
    mean that I am automatically stupid.

     
    So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
    told me last  year "in ONE YEAR these windows
    would pay for themselves"

    "Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
    finally just  hung up.

     He never called back. I bet he felt like an
     idiot.

[Raineyrocks]

Rainey stopped by, ran in, and made me let her post this:



REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.


    He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
    year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

    Hellloooo,.......just because I'm blonde doesn't
    mean that I am automatically stupid.

     
    So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
    told me last  year "in ONE YEAR these windows
    would pay for themselves"

    "Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
    finally just  hung up.

     He never called back. I bet he felt like an
     idiot.

Your so bad Lloyd!     Would you have as much fun with me if I dye my hair black?

[Pat McCotter]

 

[dalebert]

    So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
    told me last  year "in ONE YEAR these windows
    would pay for themselves"

I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.

[Raineyrocks]

    So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
    told me last  year "in ONE YEAR these windows
    would pay for themselves"

I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.

Even I'm not "that blonde", good luck! 

[Pat K]

    So... I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
    told me last  year "in ONE YEAR these windows
    would pay for themselves"

I need some storm windows installed. I'm going to try that.

They will probably make you put your rats up
as collateral.

[Friday]

I was looking for a video on YouTube and clicked on one that said "Literal Video Version", not knowing what that meant... and discovered a whole high-larious world of music video spoofs.  Some of them are quite well done; the singer and music sound a lot like the original (except for the ridiculous lyrics).  Check them out!   

Here's one example:
Billy Idol - White Wedding (Literal Video Version)

[Lloyd Danforth]

NEVER  SAY TO A  COP

1.  I can't reach my license unless you hold my  beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my  radar detector wasn't plugged in.   
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village  People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin'  about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!   
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I  thought you had to be in relatively good  physical condition to be a police officer.   
7. You're not gonna check the  trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary! 
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last  officer only gave me a warning, too!   
[See the attached file]
10.  Do you know  why you pulled me over? Okay,  j! ust so one of us does.
11. I was trying   to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there  are no other cars around. That's how far ahead  of me they are.
12. When the Officer says  'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been  drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond  with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,  have you been eating doughnuts?'