HUMOR

[Friday]

recipe for Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again,
to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar.  Beat again..
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok,
try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

Who geeves a sheet.  Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure
to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas!   

[KBCraig]

John David's quotes of the day, delivered at the dinner table:

"I just said a prayer which wasn't the Lord's Prayer but was a prayer in Christianity and it was very deep. It was so deep it was deeper than the deepest party of the ocean which is where most sea monsters live."

And in response to a suggestion that he was silly like his big brother:

"Dude, no way, I am never going to be in the Army because the bosses are so mean and call you names like 'Inglorious Bast...' ummmmm 'bleep'. The 'bleep' was going to be 'Basterds' but I'm not allowed to say that so I said 'bleep'."

And then I choked to death on my bratwurst.

[Kat Kanning]

Cute

[Jim Johnson]

You'd think that our airport security wouldn't stink, considering that those T.S.A. guys have all of our mouthwash, toothpaste, and deodorant over three ounces. – Neil Berliner

[Lloyd Danforth]

"the system worked"


Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

[Pat McCotter]

"our system did not work"

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

[Jim Johnson]

"I'm a boob, I'm a great big boob!", Kelsey Grammer.

[Lloyd Danforth]

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM  WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND Y'ALL WATCH THIS.'

[Friday]

Star Wars weather

"It's like Hoth out there!"   

"You may have to climb inside a tauntaun for warmth." 

[Jim Johnson]

EXERCISE PROGRAM
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
 
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
 
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
 
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
 
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
 
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

    THESE REALLY WORK!!  I checked this out on Snopes, and it's for real!

    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

    1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

    3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

    4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

    DAILY THOUGHT:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[dalebert]

I can add to that list. I hope it's okay if I don't use all caps.

#8 My step-father always said you could use dog shit for chapped lips. It won't moisturise, but it keeps you from licking your lips.

#9 An aspirin can be an effective form of birth-control when used correctly. The correct usage-- hold one aspirin between your knees.

[Lloyd Danforth]

I'm gonna have to delete that due to lack of capitals.

[Jim Johnson]

Dog shit always works better in all caps.... DOG SHIT.

Works better with licking your lips too... LICKING YOUR LIPS.