HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

 Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the windshield!"

[Knowaymr]

Johnny and his dad are strollin' through the park, beautiful day...takin' in the sights, kid's full of why
this and why that..Dad trying to teach him about community and how the rules and government help every one...so far all around great time.....until they happen across a couple dogs off in the bushes, also enjoying their day...lots. Dad just keeps walkin' tries not to notice but of course Johnny stops dead and has to ask..."Dad what are those two dogs doing over there?".....Umm..Uh.....(determined to give this a positive spin)...well you see son the one on the top, he's hurt... see how he's convulsing?...and uh the uh...the one on the bottom..is helping him get to the hospital see?..cause it's his civic duty...... Johnny wise beyond his years ponders a bit on his dads explanation finally rejecting it for his own...Dad if the one on top told the one on bottom he's doing his doing his civic duty.....near as I can tell the one on top is surely from the government, and from the looks of it... it's tax time again.

[Pat McCotter]

He thinks he posted it. We don't want to disillusion him.

I can see the picture just fine.

[Kat Kanning]

My mother sent this Internet Warning:

From: Marcia <mom@yahoo.com> (email changed to protect the innocent)
Subject: Fw: Fwd: INTERNET WARNING

INTERNET WARNING

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,


don't open it....It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[Russell Kanning]

i skipped the puns

[Lloyd Danforth]

How do you identify them if you're skipping them

[MaineShark]

How do you identify them if you're skipping them

Puns have a distinct odor.

Joe

[Raineyrocks]

Dr Visit  for a colonoscopy
 
I went into my proctologist's office
For my first rectal exam
His new nurse, Evelyn,
Took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes






After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer ...




When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused 
This is my first exam .
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?





At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ..

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .


Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"



 

[Lloyd Danforth]

   


          Clocks In Heaven                                                           
                                                                                   
        A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the  Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.                     
                                                                                   
        He asked, "What are those clocks?"                                         
                                                                                   
        St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock.  Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."     
                                                                                   
        "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"                                 
                                                                                   
        "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."                                                         
                                                                                   
        "Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"                     
                                                                                   
        St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have  moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life.."         
                                                                                   
        "Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.                         
                                                                                   
        "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.."     

[Friday]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[Lloyd Danforth]

 

[Friday]

Billy was fishing last week, caught him a mess of fish, had 'em all in a bucket.

About then the game warden came by and asked Billy, "You been fishin'?"

"Nope, not fishin,'" said Billy, because he didn't have a license. Fortunately, Billy had already stowed away his tackle and was now getting ready to clean the fish.

"Looks like you got you a mess o' fish," said the warden.

"Oh, those fish. Those are my pet fish," said Billy.

"Pet fish?" asked the warden, suspicious.

"Yea. I just bring 'em down here to exercise." 

"Exercise?" asked the warden. 

"Yea, I put 'em in the lake, let 'em swim around, and then I whistle and they all jump back in the bucket."

The warden, even more suspicious now, said, "Let's see that."   

Billy picked up the bucket and dumped all the fish in the lake. They promptly swam away. He and the warden stood looking out over the lake.

After a while the warden said, "Well?" 

"Well, what?" said Billy.

"Aren't you gonna whistle?" asked the warden. 

"Whistle?" asked Billy. 

"Yea, for the fish," said the warden. 

"What fish?" asked Billy.

[Pat McCotter]

I want this t-shirt!

[KBCraig]

Geek guide to planets. Serious side-scrolling required. 

http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FINALgeekGALAXY21.jpg