HUMOR

[Pat McCotter]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"

[dalebert]

Jeffrey Jay at the Improv in Addison

"It's not a book club.  It's my church group."

"But that's a book club, right?  It's just always the same shitty book."

[Lloyd Danforth]

Surfin´ Bulldog (Beach Boys - Surfin´ USA)

[Lloyd Danforth]

http://www.kspr.com/news/local/kspr-3000-pair-of-panties-dumped-along-ohio-roadway-20110901,0,4089405.story

[Pat K]

Ruff surf and I would not want to drawers a conclusion.

[Russell Kanning]

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"

I had to laugh at that one for a while.

[Lloyd Danforth]

I've seen something like this before, but this one seems improved.

One RETIRED HUSBAND's Adventures!



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.



Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while

he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!

[Pat K]

 

I have done some of these things.

[jerryswife]

I'M JUST SAYIN' !!!!!

Another way to look at the Debt Ceiling

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your home and you have sewage up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do?
Raise the ceilings or pump out the crap?

[Russell Kanning]

I wonder if he and PatK visited other stores.
I guess only banksters raise debt ceilings.

[Lloyd Danforth]

(my annual Christmas joke)

Santa slides down the chimney and is taking presents out of his bag and placing them under the tree.

"Ahem" he hears and turns to see a very attractive young lady, in a negligee, lying on a couch.

"'Spose you could stay a while, Santa?"

Clearing his throat, "Ho Ho Ho, got to go......lots of toy for girls and boys"

She stands with the light behind her, "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while, Santa?"

Breaking voice, "Ho ho ho....got to go....lots of toys for girls and boys..."

She reaches behind her back and the negligee falls to the floor,  "Are ya sure,Santa?"

Dropping is bag,  "Hey hey hey!  May as well stay, can't get up the chimney, this way!"

[Lloyd Danforth]

Ultimate Dog Tease

[Lloyd Danforth]

our Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Russell Kanning]

ouch

[Silent_Bob]

http://www.motifake.com/ask-and-shall-given-you-ask-mace-occupy-demotivational-posters-154572.html