HUMOR

[Lloyd Danforth]

Emailed to me yesterday:
_______________________________________--

I've been wondering why I feel so tired. I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep,not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,earwax build-up,
poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to d o the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[Kat Kanning]

LOL!

[FSPinNY]

A buddy of mine got a Viagra pill stuck in his throat last week.

He had a stiff neck for days!

[Kat Kanning]

Wow, that must have been really hard on him.   

[Lloyd Danforth]

He 'claims' it was a friend

[Kat Kanning]

Oh well, keep a stiff upper lip, Brian.  It'll get better soon.

[FSPinNY]

Tried it, but didn't inhale...

[Lloyd Danforth]

Loose lips sink ships!



>>       A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife
>> looks over
>>       at him and asks the question....
>>
>>       WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>>
>>       WIFE: "Why not?  Don't you like being married?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>>
>>       WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>>
>>       WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>>
>>       HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>>
>>       WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>>
>>       HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>>
>>       WIFE: -- silence-
>>
>>       HUSBAND:  "sh*t!!
>>
>>

[Pat K]

A buddy of mine got a Viagra pill stuck in his throat last week.

He had a stiff neck for days!

Man talk about premature swellation!!

[Lloyd Danforth]

This would be funnier if the was blood and bones protruding.

http://www.yeeguy.com/freefall/

[free55]

The Sunbather

Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal  spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday" "YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel." "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

[free55]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.       Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.           Love Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.         Love Vinnie

[AlanM]

Don't stop now. You're on a roll. 

[free55]

Italian Honeymoon
-------------------------

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello
to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how vassah de treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga vassah perfecto except for da traina ride
down."

"Whadda you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."

"Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station.  My beautiful
Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice
cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.  Everytinga
vassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket.
The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, 'no eat in
dissa car.  Musta use a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga
luncha and start to open a bottle of
nice vino!  Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, 'No
drinka in dissa car.  Musta use a club a car.'

"So, we go to club car.  While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga
cigar.  The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, 'No smokin
in dissa car.  Musta go to smokin car.'  We go to smokin car and I smoka
my biga cigar.

"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka
through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia!
Nofolka Virginia!'

"Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!"

[free55]

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,00000

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print
in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money,
I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the
balls!"