HUMOR

[AlanM]

 

[freedombabe]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[free55]

Q. How do you say hello in French?

A. "I Surrender."


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Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and toast?

A. You can't make French soldiers out of toast.


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Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?

A. They rarely get attacked from behind.


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Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

A. Don't know, it's never been tried.


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Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?

A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.


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Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?

A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)

Q: What's the motto of the French Army?

A: Stop, drop, and run!


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Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"


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Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?

A: Their armpits.


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Q: What?s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?

A: The bucket


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The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.
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Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?

A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!


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Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?

A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.


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Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?

A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"


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Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

A. Their army.


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Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.


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Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.


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Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?

A: Sunburned armpits.


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Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?

A: A salesman.


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Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?

A: A start.

[freedombabe]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties. The first man had married a
woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was
going to do all the dishes and house cleaning He said it took
a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day it was better By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and
telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them Massachusetts Girls.

[Lloyd Danforth]

Indian Winter


It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist
at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever ."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood

[Kat Kanning]

LOL 

[donlovelace]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Lloyd Danforth]

I'm still an Atheist, but, I thought this was funny.
_____________________________________

The Atheist

        An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.  What majestic
      trees! What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!" he said to
      himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
      rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly
      charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
      Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
      His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
      He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up
      but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
      At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
      Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that
      light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You
      deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist
      and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to
      help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

      The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
      of
      me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
      could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

      "Very well," said the voice.  The light went out.  And the sounds of
      the forest resumed.

      And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

      "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
      truly thankful."

[Russell Kanning]

some classics and some new ones for me:
http://www.angelfire.com/ky/nogod/joke.html

for instance:

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Russell Kanning]

The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

The correct answer was NH underground liberation front. I would have pushed him. Splinterer!!!

[Russell Kanning]

I just spit out a mouthful of water on this one:


The drunk in the cathedral

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"







"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

[Russell Kanning]

....and for us Christians:
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/home.html

I had forgetten about this magazine since college.

God's Creation Blog
http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/creationblog.html

[KBCraig]

An elderly country music fan decided to show her devotion to her two favorite stars by getting their faces tattooed on her upper thighs. She went to the tattoo parlor and explained what she wanted, but she wasn't sure she could trust the artist to do a good rendition. She made him promise that if they weren't good likenesses, the tattoos would be free.

Many hours of work later, the ink slinger proclaimed the job finished, and offered the client a mirror. Sure enough, there were two faces very high up on her inner thighs, but she couldn't tell which was supposed to be which. "Those don't look right! Nobody can tell who they are! I'm not paying for that!"

The tattoo artist figured she was just trying to cheat him, so he stepped out and grabbed a wino off the street. "C'mere!" He pointed at her left thigh and said, "Does that look like Johnny Cash?"

The wino pondered a bit and shook his head. "No, no... I toured with Johnny Cash before the pills ruined my life. That's not him."

A bit miffed, the artist pointed to the right thigh and asked, "Does that look like Conway Twitty?"

The wino thought about it and said, "No, I toured with Conway Twitty before the booze took over my life. That doesn't look a thing like him."

The artist was fuming, but he said to the lady, "Okay, a deal's a deal. The work is free."

Meanwhile, the wino is still studying what's before him. "But wait a minute. I toured with Willie Nelson too, and that one in the middle is the spittin' image! "

[Pat McCotter]

Russell, here is one for Porcupine Partners:

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[Kat Kanning]

LOL!