When I finally realized my relationship with Rick was over

[Raineyrocks]

I realized it was really over this time when I didn't even feel like listening to what he had to say about his lies and "finally" coming out with the whole truth this time.    I've heard this crap so much over the past 20 something years and it really hit me that I've been with a pathological liar, a heartless, empty person, someone I really didn't even know at all and never will because he's a fake.

I'm stuck right now because we don't have the money to physically separate and I'm confused about some things having to do with getting an actual divorce.

I don't like getting courts involved in my personal business and yeah I know I was dumb for ever getting married in the first place.  We have under age kids that will have to appear in court too and then people will interview them, at least that's what I read under a New Hampshire divorce court information site.

However, I don't want any legal connections to him anymore either.    I already thought of just filing and coming up with our own agreements but I don't trust him at all to honor them; so some of my family members have told me to get a lawyer.

Anyways, this morning I started a diary and believe me I'm not the kind of person that writes in journals, I wish I was but I'm just not.  However this time I had to get my feelings out somehow or I was going to go crazy.

I think I'm going to write what I did on today's entry on this thread. 

[Raineyrocks]

9-14-12  (My 1st diary entry, exactly how I wrote it this morning)

I realized when I woke up this morning that I needed an outlet with all of these feelings I'm having.  I am still praying at night; not for Rick and I to get back together like the other past few weeks though.  I'm praying for God to give me direction and strength to make it through what I know I must go through and of course for the kids.

I don't want to look at Rick right now at all because part of me truly feels hatred for what a liar he is and has been all these years.  All of the damage he has done!

I feel so stupid for not getting out of this mess earlier when it would've been easier.  I'm sorry that I didn't want to let go of a person I now realize I never even knew at all.

I feel so sorry for the kids that are stuck in this mess and feel like they must choose a parent.  Yesterday I thought about just leaving to make it easier on them but I don't want to leave them.  Am I being selfish?

Now I need to write about how I feel about "him".  I feel like he is so shallow and fake.  I truly regret the day I met him except I wouldn't have Brandie and Ricky.  I wish I would've never married and trusted him as much as I did.  I went around all of these years and believed that he loved me for who I truly am and now I see this guy has no idea what love even is.

I feel dirty for letting him ever touch me with his lying hands.  I want to forget all about him so I don't feel these pangs of sadness over wondering how I'm going to live without him.
  Live without him???  I can't believe I even feel that way but I do.

I had so much respect for him and really admired him for so many qualities I thought he had. It's been replaced by tons of questions I never want answered.
   1. Did he lie about every single thing he ever said?
   2. Did he ever even love me?
   3. How many times did he cheat on me, lie to me?  He claims none but I say bullshit!
   4. How many times did he laugh at me? 
   5. How many times did he know that I was stupid for believing him?
I can't even go on with this list.  I can't stay this hurt and angry because it keeps me emotionally connected to this person.

Then I laugh at myself because I realize I've never found a person that wasn't like my mother to be in a realtionship with.

I wish I could be as cold-hearted as Rick is and just feel nothing but then again I don't want to be like him at all even though it would make "this" so much easier.

He swore on my children's heads the other week that he told me everything, no more lies.  Not more than a week later, he was denying something "new" I found out, then admits it and throws in another 18 year old lie on top of that and that's when I realized I didn't want to hear anything ever again from him.
I'm absolutely positive there will always be more lies that I would find out about days, weeks, years, later.  Then when he said, he just wanted all of his lies to go away and not deal with them, I realized he didn't mean anything he said to me the past week either.  He never truly understood how I feel about his lies like he pretended too. 

I'm not letting myself go back to the "I love him" part in my head.  I can't or it will be impossible to let him go.  Why should I cry anymore? Feel broken-hearted? Ache in my heart? Want him to hold me?.................The arms that have been around me for all of these years have been the arms of someone I never, ever knew.



   
   

[KBCraig]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Rainey.

I don't have any real advice for you when it comes to courts, except to avoid them as much as you can, even if it costs you in the short term.

In the long run, it pays off.

[Jim Johnson]

I feel bad and I hope things come out ok for you.

[Russell Kanning]

Bummer

[Scott Roth]

So sorry to hear that, Rainey. I can only pray that things work out for you and the kids.

[Raineyrocks]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Rainey.

I don't have any real advice for you when it comes to courts, except to avoid them as much as you can, even if it costs you in the short term.

In the long run, it pays off.

I feel bad and I hope things come out ok for you.

Bummer

So sorry to hear that, Rainey. I can only pray that things work out for you and the kids.

Thank you so much for your good thoughts, comments, and prayers KB, Jim, Russell, and Scott. 

This was a real rough one, the closest Rick and I have come to ever, ever, splitting but we have chosen to  work "this" stuff out together.  I was reading things into Rick not talking to me after I found out he lied to me again, he didn't know what to say anymore and felt like I deserved better.  I just thought he didn't care; until he broke down and starting sharing his feelings with me.

I really, really, hope he meant it when he said he was totally going to start sharing more with me instead of lying and just not telling me things that I should know.  Gosh, I thought I couldn't take a chance of this stuff ever happening again but I really don't feel stupid for believing that he's going to try and I really, truly, love Rick and see him opening up a lot to me, finally.

Thank you so much again, you guys are the best!  I was tempted to just remove this thread when Rick and I started talking again and working things out but there's no way I could do that without saying thank you.

[Jim Johnson]

Unless you are going to see a counselor this isn't anywhere near over.

[Raineyrocks]

Unless you are going to see a counselor this isn't anywhere near over.

Are you sure?  Rick talked about going to a therapist to get help with why he lies like he does; but we can't afford it.  Oh gosh Jim, I can't go through this again, now I'm scared.

I went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists for years when I was younger and they never seemed to help me.  Years ago, I started praying every single night for God to help me and it took a long time but eventually I stopped the desctructive behavior I was doing.  First though, I had to face some things that were real hard for me to admit to, but I really did make lasting changes in my life.

What should we do? 

[Jim Johnson]

The reasons why you and Rick are do these things needs to be explored.
It is important for you to discover the cause of your behavior; not only for you and Rick, but because you are most definitely passing these things on to your children.

I don't know how to find a good therapist.  What I do know is that if someone does not actually want help there is no psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist that can help.

[Russell Kanning]

I bet even if they go to a counselor this is not the end.
Do you know why Rick lies?

[Raineyrocks]

The reasons why you and Rick are do these things needs to be explored.
It is important for you to discover the cause of your behavior; not only for you and Rick, but because you are most definitely passing these things on to your children.

I don't know how to find a good therapist.  What I do know is that if someone does not actually want help there is no psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist that can help.

That makes sense and Rick really wants to go to someone and find out why he keeps repeating the same mistakes so I know he wants the help.  I know, I think about the kids a lot and know these things affect them that's another reason I want all of it to stop.

I think it's kind of normal not to like being lied to but I take it to the the highest level of hurt even if they are small lies.  The thing that bothers me too is that Rick knows all about why I feel the way I do about lies and even though he's not responsible for why I feel that way I thought he loved me enough to not keep hurting me.   

Thanks Jim! 

[Raineyrocks]

I bet even if they go to a counselor this is not the end.
Do you know why Rick lies?

He comes up with different reasons depending on the lie, some of them he says he didn't think I needed to know because he handled the situations, other lies he says he knows he was just wrong for, and then some lies he says he's embarrassed about.     The most frustrating thing for me is that I didn't even find out about his lying until we were almost a decade into our relationship.  He's never come and told me himself, I always have to find out from other people and then he denies his lies until the proof is overwhelming.

[Raineyrocks]

Does anyone care if I delete this whole thread?   Just wondering because it's a bummer when I keep seeing the subject line I posted.

[KBCraig]

Zap away!