A little humor.....

[AlanM]

 Three Surgeons

Three surgeons were sitting at a table during a medical conference and there were comparing notes and trying to top one another's best surgery.

One surgeon from New York claimed that during a horrific factory accident one worker had lost all of the fingers on both hands. The surgeon stitched them all back on and said the fellow had gone on to become a concert pianist.

The next surgeon, from Seattle, says he can top that. I had a patient who was a quadruple amputee in a car accident and I stitched him up. He later went on to be an Olympic gold medalist.

The last surgeon was a good ole boy from Texas. He says "nuts I got y'all beat". We had a terrible train crash and all they brought me was a horses ass and a cowboy hat. I stitched it all back together and made a .............

President

[AlanM]

 Thermometer Instructions

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get dow n on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."