Claire Wolfe's Forum

[AlanM]

I just joined Claire Wolfe's Forum. Found it interesting.

[AlanM]

Some humorous posts:

Conversations between pilots and control towers

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
" Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
==================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 235.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
==================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark --and I didn't land."
==================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[AlanM]

Thought you would enjoy this Lloyd. 

Old guy (OG) goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Dr.: How is everything with you?
OG: Pretty good, doc, every morning precisely at 6:30 I empty my bladder, all systems are go there.
Dr: Good, good what else.
OG: Then every morning at 7:30 I empty my bowels and my colon stays good and clean.
Dr: Sounds great for a guy your age.
OG: Well, it would be, except I never get out of bed until 9:00.

[AlanM]

What do you expect from Lawyers?

Got to love those lawyers

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in their sleep,
they don't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And was Mr. Dennington dead at that time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before your performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere!

[AlanM]

"As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it -- it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore."
--Jay Leno

[AlanM]

Dan Rather ('Blather' Rather) was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

"OK" said Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well then" said Tommy, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"

Nail it!

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

[AlanM]

Lawyers are easy targets:

Riddle me this--

Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.

Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
A: About five pounds, including the urn.

Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
A: Your honor.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

Q. Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats?
A. Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just won't do.

After Mark Twain finished addressing a New England society banquet, the attorney William M. Evarts stood up, hands in his pockets, and remarked, "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?" To which Mark Twain replied, "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

The judge declared at the beginning of trial: "Counsel for the defense has paid me $15,000 to find for his client. Counsel for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to find for hers. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Snollygoster. n. A devious, inept, talkative, or unethical lawyer; a shyster. [U.S. slang and colloquial, since c. 1860]

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar.
"I resent that!" someone replied.
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole!"

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight looking for a black cat that isn't there. He is distinguished from a theologian, in that the theologian finds the cat. He is also distinguished from a lawyer, who smuggles in a cat in his overcoat pocket, and emerges to produce it in triumph.

The telephone rang late one night at the governor's mansion. After a long argument the aide who took the call reluctantly agreed to wake the governor.
"What's so damned important it couldn't wait until morning?" demanded the governor.
"Judge Ferret just died," explained the aide, "and this lawyer wants to take his place."
The governor smiled grimly. "Well, you just tell him that if it's okay with the undertaker, it's okay with me."

[AlanM]

Ah, lawyer jokes.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
.....

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
...
What's the difference between God and an attorney?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.
...
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
...
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
...
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
...
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

[AlanM]

A man finds an old lamp in the street. He rubs it to read the inscription. In a puff of orange smoke, out pops a genie.

Genie: Master, I will grant three wishes, but there's a catch.

Man: Three wishes? Yowza! But what's the catch?

Genie: You will get whatever you wish for, but every lawyer in the world will get twice as much.

Man: I can live with that. For my first wish, I'd like a red Ferrari

Poof, a red Ferrari appears.

Genie: Master, there are now two red Ferraris in the garage of every lawyer in the world.

Man: I wish for a million dollars.

Poof, a large bag of money appears.

Genie: Two million dollars has been deposited in the Swiss bank account of every lawyer in the world.

Pause...

Genie: Master, you have one more wish.

Man: You know... I've always wanted to donate a kidney.

[AlanM]

God and St.Francis

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had
a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any
type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
rectangles.

St.Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
Kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it -- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn
a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled off.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about
....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis

[AlanM]

Computer reproduction:

"Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

[AlanM]

Discovery Of The Heaviest Element Yet Known To Science

The Whitehouse research department has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...

[Russell Kanning]

I really love that gardening story, but they are all pretty good.

[Lloyd Danforth]

Have you annoyed informed the good people on the Claire Wolfe forum about Shorty yet?

[Kat Kanning]

When you post, there'll be a button above that looks like an S with a line through it, so you can do strikethrough.