I don't know if you remember my plea for advice re: 18 yr. son coming back home

[Raineyrocks]

.............a lot of you gave me great advice regarding this issue.  He left 2 days ago after I gave him a choice of A. Finding a job within 30 days or going to get his GED or B. He could find somewhere else to live.

He met these people with older boys around the corner a week ago and was staying out all night partying with them and has chosen B.  I called the mother of these kids and told her Jon was not being kicked out; that he had a choice to straighten up or find somewhere else to live, (to me that's not being kicked out, my mother kicked me out by handing me a letter at the front door and not letting me in), and I told her he was on his way over her house to ask if he could live there.  So anyways she sounded sympathetic, like she was going to tell him to go home and work it out, but something told my gut she would let Jon live there.  Well no surprise she said yes.  I tried calling her but she won't pick up the phone.  I don't understand how she could let somebody she doesn't even know live in her house, she has a 12 yr. old girl and 15 yr. old boy too, so it's not like all her kids are grown.

I know it sounds like I'm transferring my anger to her not Jon; but really I'm pissed at both. Then again who knows what sob story he gave her, but I told her she could call me if she had any questions.  If one of my kid's friends showed up at my door asking for a place to live you better believe I'm going to call the parents to see what the heck is going on. I just don't get it.

Anyways I feel really hurt, mad and back stabbed by Jon and the fact that he's living around the corner doesn't make things any easier.   Does anyone have any advice again?  I don't know what to do if I see him, I'm so afraid he's going to get in an accident driving around with these kids partying yet I know I couldn't just let him stay here and not do something responsible with his life. 

[Tom Sawyer]

Your son has to grow up. It is tough to not have control over his (bad) behavior, but you don't. He will have to screw up some more to learn some of life's lessons. This other family will probably not enjoy their house guest very long, unless of course he improves his behavior.

Tough position for a mom to be in. But, it sounds like you did the only thing that makes any sense for you to do. Just try to enjoy the peace that will return to your household. It should all work out for the best in the long run. 

[Raineyrocks]

Your son has to grow up. It is tough to not have control over his (bad) behavior, but you don't. He will have to screw up some more to learn some of life's lessons. This other family will probably not enjoy their house guest very long, unless of course he improves his behavior.

Tough position for a mom to be in. But, it sounds like you did the only thing that makes any sense for you to do. Just try to enjoy the peace that will return to your household. It should all work out for the best in the long run. 

Thanks and I hope it ends up working out for the best for everyone. I have a hard time being a postive thinker sometimes, I just keep worrying about the what ifs. 
He came to get his things today but I'm not giving him his Playstation 2 and some games because he owes his sister $240 so my daughter told him I would keep his stuff for 30 days and if he doesn't pay back the money he owes I will sell them.  He threatened to call the cops tonight to get his stuff so this should be an interesting day/night.

[lastlady]

I think you did the right thing for your son by laying down the ground rules and sticking to them. Being a young adult is a time of transition and a time for making mistakes. We learn so much from our failures in life I almost don't like those negative words "mistakes, failures".

It's better to do all your f*#@ing up at 18-21 than later in life. Stay strong and just lead by example, try not to be angry or upset with his actions. Remember he will grow into a wonderful man, one you can be proud of. He must find his own way and sometimes people need to take the hard road, I did. And I turned out great! 

[powerchuter]

I told my daughters that they could choose to live by my house rules...or find another place...but if and when they left...they were out and I would not allow them to move back in...

And when they left...the house was much more peaceful and serene...

And when they came back it was hard to say no...but I did...

And that was the right thing to do...feelings aside...

I had always told them that there were consequences to their actions...

And sometimes...many times...there would be no "do overs"/"resets"/or "restarts"...

If I had the chance to raise them again I would certainly do some things differently...

But they would still have to live with the choices they made...good or bad...

It's rough where you're at right now because your son is attempting to assert his "authority" over himself...
And you see his choices as mistakes...and that's ok...they probably are mistakes in your eyes...
And they may be mistakes in his eyes at some future time...but for right now you have to decide what your course of action is going to be...

If you'd like to speak more on this I would enjoy doing it via private email...

I have five daughters and three grandchildren...not that I get to see them...

Sincerely,
Rob

[Raineyrocks]

I think you did the right thing for your son by laying down the ground rules and sticking to them. Being a young adult is a time of transition and a time for making mistakes. We learn so much from our failures in life I almost don't like those negative words "mistakes, failures".

It's better to do all your f*#@ing up at 18-21 than later in life. Stay strong and just lead by example, try not to be angry or upset with his actions. Remember he will grow into a wonderful man, one you can be proud of. He must find his own way and sometimes people need to take the hard road, I did. And I turned out great! 

Thanks and I hope your right, (that he does learn and become a wonderful man).  I worry a lot because he is very impulsive too and will follow people he considers his friends into some pretty dangerous behaviors.  I found out some things he has done recently and in the past that make me highly concerned but I know, (I keep telling myself anyway), that I can't protect him and control everything, he has his own life and fate that each of us do.  It's just extra hard to accept when it's your child.  Not knowing much about these people that he is with is an extra concern especially when there is drinking and possibly driving going on over there.  I'm expecting cops at my door for other reasons than his PS2 and I pray I am wrong about my feelings.
I took the hard road too but things are different today and much creepier than when I was his age.

[Raineyrocks]

There is probably still a chance to save him from the military industrial complex cults....

What do you mean?

[Libertariangoddess]

Hi, rainey.  Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.  It is better he learns now, than to have to learn later on.  He may come to the realization that he didn't have it so bad at home after all.  I would not have someone else's child stay with me, either, without talking to the parents. He will hopefully come to his senses soon.

[Raineyrocks]

Hi, rainey.  Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.  It is better he learns now, than to have to learn later on.  He may come to the realization that he didn't have it so bad at home after all.  I would not have someone else's child stay with me, either, without talking to the parents. He will hopefully come to his senses soon.

Thank you and I sure do hope your right but I guess in the long run that'll all be up to Jon.  It is so hard too because he's living right around the corner from me.  I did do something childish last week but I was so pissed when I saw him washing their car that I gave him the middle finger as I passed.  It made me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I felt like crap for days, still do , in fact. I can be such an ass sometimes!

Right now I'm trying to get it through my head that this is Jon's walk through his life, it has little to do with me.  You know those paths we choose for ourselves and hopefully come out of it with a lesson and alive of course.  The thing is I don't want him coming back to live with us unless he's made some severe changes because he lied, stole, and was completely disrespectful a lot of times and I'm not putting up with it anymore.  If he showed up right now I think I would offer him a ride to Job Corps or something, I don't know.

Anyways, thank you!

[Lloyd Danforth]

At his age, and, having lived away from home, there is no reason for him ever to 'live' there. Visits, sure, if he behaves.

[Raineyrocks]

At his age, and, having lived away from home, there is no reason for him ever to 'live' there. Visits, sure, if he behaves.

The funny thing is that he's lived away from home but has never been on his own, he's stayed with his oldest sister, other family members and friends.  I think if he does end up on his own that will help him grow up some but I don't know what it's going to take for him to stop and think of other people he hurts.  I wish I could say he feels bad for the wrong things he's done but he doesn't show any remorse whatsoever.  He lies so much it actually has become a normal way of life for him now.

When he came back up here in February I saw some signs of the "good" Jon but then in other situations he was a foul mouthed punk and Carrie, (17 yr. old sister), found a lot of her cds in his stuff before we gave him his boxes.  The topper of everything was when he stole Laura's, (oldest sister in Maryland), cell phone.  Of course he denied it but she kept telling me he was the only one around and saw where she put it.  She works night shift sometimes, has 2 little kids, and he didn't give a crap that she didn't have a phone in case of an emergency.  Anyways when he came up here I got him out of the house and looked through his stuff, and guess what?  Yup, there's Laura's cell phone in his backpack.  I could go on and on but I won't it's starting to make me mad.  I need to put in a chakra cd and calm down.

[error]

And the rest of your family puts up with this? I guess I would have expected them to be a little less forgetting.

[Raineyrocks]

And the rest of your family puts up with this? I guess I would have expected them to be a little less forgetting.

Hardly!  Laura said, he's my brother and I love him but he's not welcome in my home anymore, my sister is so pissed at him she wants to kick his ass.  He's living with people he met a couple of weeks ago around the corner because I finally put my foot down with him and told him to get his act together.  Carrie, (his 17 yr. old sister), still talks to him but I told her she's not allowed to go over the people's house where he is staying, so she meets him at the school playground.  I don't want to tell his siblings they can't have anything to do with their brother so I just monitor where they go to see him.  So far the only family members he hasn't alienated are Carrie and his 11 yr. old sister Brandie.  We have 10 immediate family members so he's managed to piss off 8 out of 10 of us not to mention cousins, aunts, and uncles.

[error]

Wow.

Hopefully he'll grow up sooner rather than later.

[Dreepa]

  I need to put in a chakra cd and calm down.

Chaka?


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