I don't know if you remember my plea for advice re: 18 yr. son coming back home

[Raineyrocks]

  I need to put in a chakra cd and calm down.

Chaka?

Dreepa, I'm insulted!    I don't make spelling mistakes, a lot of other mistakes but not spelling.   Chakra, we have 7 of them, they are energy points in our bodies.

[Dreepa]

I just like the name Chaka... and Sleestak too

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[Raineyrocks]

I just like the name Chaka... and Sleestak too

Oh, okay!    Whatever floats your boat!

[KBCraig]

  I need to put in a chakra cd and calm down.

Chaka?

Naw, this one:

[lastlady]

I know it isn't easy being a parent, I have a lot of respect for whomever decides to have children. And let me say I do not have any.

But.... I have to say after reading more I can't help but remember what it was like being a teenager and I am just so thankful I am an adult now. It is a serious drag dealing with parents trying to tell you what to do or how to live your life. He may be young but it is his life to live, his mistakes to make. Having a parent drive by and flip you off is so hurtful it makes me sad. Makes me a little angry too, struck a cord. You know I might get some smite here but you don't own your children, they are a gift and shouldn't be treated like property. 

[Raineyrocks]

I know it isn't easy being a parent, I have a lot of respect for whomever decides to have children. And let me say I do not have any.

But.... I have to say after reading more I can't help but remember what it was like being a teenager and I am just so thankful I am an adult now. It is a serious drag dealing with parents trying to tell you what to do or how to live your life. He may be young but it is his life to live, his mistakes to make. Having a parent drive by and flip you off is so hurtful it makes me sad. Makes me a little angry too, struck a cord. You know I might get some smite here but you don't own your children, they are a gift and shouldn't be treated like property. 

I definitely wouldn't smite you, I'm mad at myself for giving him the finger.  It was stupid, impulsive, and mean.  I know it's his life but we weren't telling him how to live his life in the sense that you mean.  He told us before he came back up here that he wanted to get a job or go back to some kind of school but once he got here he did quite the opposite while lying, stealing and treating his family like crap.  Your right it is his mistakes to make but that doesn't mean I have to sit around and watch either.

[Libertariangoddess]

Hi, rainey.  Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.  It is better he learns now, than to have to learn later on.  He may come to the realization that he didn't have it so bad at home after all.  I would not have someone else's child stay with me, either, without talking to the parents. He will hopefully come to his senses soon.

Thank you and I sure do hope your right but I guess in the long run that'll all be up to Jon.  It is so hard too because he's living right around the corner from me.  I did do something childish last week but I was so pissed when I saw him washing their car that I gave him the middle finger as I passed.  It made me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I felt like crap for days, still do , in fact. I can be such an ass sometimes!

Right now I'm trying to get it through my head that this is Jon's walk through his life, it has little to do with me.  You know those paths we choose for ourselves and hopefully come out of it with a lesson and alive of course.  The thing is I don't want him coming back to live with us unless he's made some severe changes because he lied, stole, and was completely disrespectful a lot of times and I'm not putting up with it anymore.  If he showed up right now I think I would offer him a ride to Job Corps or something, I don't know.

Anyways, thank you!

Rainey,
That was just (a.) the human part of you that reacted without stopping to think about what you were doing and the repercussions thereof, and (b) the mother part of you that is hurt and mad that he is doing this, and not mature enough to grow up and start facing his own responsibilities. I have issues with my daughter, too, and we have  both said some mean things to each other. I always feel bad afterwards, too, but sometimes it;s just the moment, and you act without really thinking it through.

[powerchuter]

I would have stopped and complimented him on helping out...
Then continued on my way...

Others may disagree but I would not let him come back home...
That doesn't mean you can't establish a friendship with him like you would any other friend...

That actually may be the best way for you to show him you are acknowledging his "adulthood"...
And he might start seeing you as a person and friend and not as a parent and an enemy...

Hey, just my humble nickel...

[David]

Hey, just my humble nickel...
Penny for your thoughts has finally been killed by inflation.   

I don't have kids, but being 25, i am not terribly far removed from his age.  He is an adult.  He knows not to steal.  He knows he is responsible for himself.  Now he needs to feel why he cannot steal, and why he needs to be responsible for himself.  He will probably blame you for kicking him out of the home, and possibly think you are being too hard on him for his dishonesty.  But he has to learn now, because things always start out small, but eventually escalate.  hope everything eventually works out.  My gut tells me it may take awhile.   

[Raineyrocks]

Rainey,
That was just (a.) the human part of you that reacted without stopping to think about what you were doing and the repercussions thereof, and (b) the mother part of you that is hurt and mad that he is doing this, and not mature enough to grow up and start facing his own responsibilities. I have issues with my daughter, too, and we have  both said some mean things to each other. I always feel bad afterwards, too, but sometimes it;s just the moment, and you act without really thinking it through.

Thank you!   I just hate when I do stuff like that because your right it was a reaction, I need to think before I act like I expect Jon to.  How old is your daughter?  My oldest,(daughter), is 22 now and we've had our fair share of problems but we are really close now.  I think I can relate to girls better than boys.  I love my sons of course but I just don't understand some of their emotions.  My 17 yr old daughter isn't perfect but she has such a pleasant, easy-going personality, we have so much fun together.  Then I have my 11 yr. old, know it all daughter and I can tell she's going to be a handful.

[Raineyrocks]

I would have stopped and complimented him on helping out...
Then continued on my way...

Others may disagree but I would not let him come back home...
That doesn't mean you can't establish a friendship with him like you would any other friend...

That actually may be the best way for you to show him you are acknowledging his "adulthood"...
And he might start seeing you as a person and friend and not as a parent and an enemy...

Hey, just my humble nickel...

I should have, your right.  Actually my entire family agrees with you about not letting him come back home, so do I, except for the weak he's my baby moments.  Thanks, good advice and I'm trying to reach the point where I can do that with him.  I know myself and if I move to quick into a new relationship with him I will blow it because I'll still have this anger and I'll end up saying things I don't want to.

[Raineyrocks]

Hey, just my humble nickel...
Penny for your thoughts has finally been killed by inflation.   

I don't have kids, but being 25, i am not terribly far removed from his age.  He is an adult.  He knows not to steal.  He knows he is responsible for himself.  Now he needs to feel why he cannot steal, and why he needs to be responsible for himself.  He will probably blame you for kicking him out of the home, and possibly think you are being too hard on him for his dishonesty.  But he has to learn now, because things always start out small, but eventually escalate.  hope everything eventually works out.  My gut tells me it may take awhile.   

Thanks David!  I didn't even kick him out though.  I guess in his eyes maybe he sees it that way but I told him he had 30 days to find a job or get his GED so he could go to some kind of tech school or college and if he wasn't going to do that to find another place to live. I clearly said to him it's your choice.   I agree with you, my gut tells me it's going to take awhile too. I just hope he stays safe in the meantime.

[Libertariangoddess]

Rainey,
My daughter will be 25 in July. Right now I am caring for my 32 mth old grandaughter, as her mother decided to move to Vegas in March. We will see how long it takes for her to get Aubrei.  I told her she can't have her until she gets a fulltime job (and keeps it), and her own place for her and the baby.  I am paying Aubrei's daycare, $630/mth, and her mom has not offered a dime  to me to help out. Jessica signed over temporary guardianship (notarized) to me. If she does not settle down soon and get real and make a way for her and the baby, I may have to take Aubrei legally until her mom can show she is for real. She only calls Aubrei once a week or every 2 weeks. and most of those have been about the car we are trying to sell for her. She says she loves her, but my mom begs to differ. She does not believe Jessie loves her, she uses her for her own gain. Maybe because Aubrei is hers, she feels she owns Aubrei...I don't know. It seems to me  that is she really wanted Aubrei there, she would be moving mountains to get her there. I know if it were me, I would be. When I was in the military, I got stationed in Germany. I sold almost everything I owned so that I could have Jessica fly out of country the day after I did, and she stayed with some friends in Ktown. I took the train down on the weekends to visit them. I paid key money, and got us into our own place within about 1 1/2 months. I don't see Jess really trying to do this. It is kind of sad. she says she is buying stuff for Aubrei that she is going to send. I told her she needs to save her money and start getting things ready. I am kind of scared to let Aubrei go to Vegas. I have been basically the one who has raised her all this time. She lived with me the year she was born, and visited her mom on the weekends. Then last year she started living with her mom, and staying with us on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now she is back with us. Jess has never really been a 24/7 mom. I don't know if she can handle it. She likes Vegas, she says they have 24hr daycare down there. So she can work nights, and have Aubrei in there. What is she going to do when Aubrei has to go to school? School all day and daycare al night? Great life for Aubrei. 

[Raineyrocks]

Hi Libertariangoddess, (I love that name),

After I asked you how old your daughter was I remembered reading your post about having your granddaughter on another post.  I wouldn't want to be in your spot that's for sure. My oldest daughter had my first grandson when she was 16, we had to make/help her grow up way before she was ready and it was so hard.  I worried about possibly being in the situation your in now because she was so young. Thank god she stepped up to the plate and I didn't have to do what your doing now.  It is so hard being a grandparent sometimes because we see what is best for the grandchild even if our kids don't.

I do agree with you about the daycare but the hardest part of being a grandparent is watching your kid try but knowing you could offer more stability and a better life for the grandchild. I don't agree with everything my daughter does and says with my 2 grandsons yet I know she's their mother and I probably sounded the same way when I was her age with my kids so I bite my tongue. Your the one that knows your daughter the best so  who knows if what your mom is saying is true about your daughter not loving Aubrei?  It sounds to me like she's being selfish and taking Aubrei and you for granted.  I wish you and your daughter and Aubrei the best whatever that may be.

[Libertariangoddess]

Thanks, Rainey. (And I did not mean for everything to be bold and underlined in my previous message. I screwed it up!)

I want Jess to be able to be mom to Aubrei, and be all that she can be. I know she has to learn and find her way in life. It's just so hard to sit and watch her make mistakes. I was a single mom, too, for awhile there, and I know how hard it was. That's why I wanted better for Jessica and Aubrei. I know there will be mistakes made, I just hope not serious ones. Aubrei is starting to really learn at the daycare she goes to (they teach her Spanish, too!), they do so much educationally there, I really hate to have to change her. All I can do, I guess, is be here for them, should they need me.