Family Framework

[Lex]

Those of you in/with families. What kind of frameworks do you use to make decisions, delegate responsibility, etc. Where do you draw the line between private property and family property? What is your responsibility to your family and why?

[Russell Kanning]

hmmm

[Jacobus]

I can't really imagine drawing up a list of what is "owned" by whom in the family.  The closest thing to that is that we have a family budget (that my wife and I discuss and agree to).  The stuff each of us buys doesn't really interest the others: toys for the kids, Scotch for me, and accessories for the wife.  Boundaries and rules sort of grow organically.

Otherwise, following this rule is pretty safe:

If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

[sandm000]

Decision making is easy, I usually take a poll, and sometimes we debate, but we don't act unless there is unanimity (even if one of us is reluctant) I assume here you are referring to more important questions than "what do you want on your pizza?".

My wife and I discuss chores and divide them (eg garbage has to be taken out, and dishwasher has to be filled and emptied, she does one, I do the other) I have heard of a token economy working well.  If you introduce an equal number of tokens to all parties in a house, X can offer Y a # of tokens to do a chore they don't want to do, and usually the reverse for something Y doesn't want to do, admittedly the system I heard about also allowed the redemption of these tokens for romantic favors, so it sort of worked out.

Ownership is interesting. In my house I have all my books in a particular book case, as my wife has her own, and our sons have their own case. With food, if you don't have your name on it, it's basically communal, except for some special treats that my wife keeps on top of the fridge (but I guess we've gone into the privately held area).
For clothes, everybody has their own dresser and closet.
For kids toys... Currently all of the toys are communal and the first person in the morning to get to a toy "owns" the toy, rarely do we force sharing, but try to talk them into it. We usually act as arbiters and police with these things.  The video game consoles and the computer are both mine, but currently there isn't any sort of a scheduling conflict so I don't have to pull the "it's mine so you have to do what I say" card.

[Lex]

Thanks sandm000, that was very helpful.

Do both you and your spouse work? Or does one of you stay home with kids?

Is there a head of house? If so, how was this decided?

If no explicit head of house, how do you make important decisions that have to be decided on right this minute but you can't agree on how to go about it?

[Jim Johnson]

I do what I am told until I'm told differently.

[Lex]

I do what I am told until I'm told differently.

You have it easy! 

[BillKauffman]

In my house there are...

1. shoulds
2. oughts
3. musts

The musts increase as the child gets older and can have more privileges with increase responsibilities.
The oughts are to teach the child that there are social norms/conventions that if they don't conform to within the family they could be stigmatized in the outside world.
The shoulds are just about the wisdom of the parent telling the child how to make life easier for them if they choose to follow their experience.

[Pat McCotter]

In my house there are...

1. shoulds
2. oughts
3. musts

Are there any "musn'ts. oughtn'ts or shouldn'ts? How about coulds? Wants? Life can't just just be about requirements; some self-indulgence is necessary for happiness.

[BillKauffman]

In my house there are...

1. shoulds
2. oughts
3. musts

Are there any "musn'ts. oughtn'ts or shouldn'ts? How about coulds? Wants? Life can't just just be about requirements; some self-indulgence is necessary for happiness.

The continuum for privileges and corresponding responsibilities overlays the needs vs. wants issue as it relates to unconditional and conditional love.

So as the child gets older wants are traded off in a quid pro quo.

The basic underlying philosophy as they get older is you have to "give to get". 

[Lex]

Bill, thanks!

Can you go up the family structure and tell me how you and your spouse make decisions?

Do you have private and communal property? How is this decided on?

Is there a head of house? If so, how is this decided on, if not, how do you resolve pressing issues on which there is no consensus?

[Tom Sawyer]

I rule with an iron fist.

shhh, what was that, oh crap Becky is home, got to go... don't anyone say anything... please....

[Fluff and Stuff]

A lot of families are run in such a way that whoever wants to makes decisions about day to day things.  If they both want to, the woman wins.  However, if the husband feels very serious about an issue, he can overrule.  That is how the households I've lived in ran. 

That's how it also worked when I lived with my brother.  I ran almost all day to day things which I wanted to run.  However, if he felt real serious about an issue, I let him get his way.

The structured seemed to work pretty well with little conflict, as long as everyone know their role.

[BillKauffman]

If they both want to, the woman wins.  However, if the husband feels very serious about an issue, he can overrule. 

I don't think it makes any sense to relegate folks to different roles based on sex but that is just me.

Whatever anyone chooses to do, please work it out and have it run smoothly prior to having kids.

I waited 12 years before having children.

[sonio]

Most property in my relationship is mutual.  She is in charge of the bank account because that is easier and I'm just horribly bad at it.  The only property that is considered personal are MP3 players or things with sentimental value.  Anything else can be used by who ever needs it when (just consulting with the other person first to make sure you don't mess her up.)

The cat is hers, the dog is mine.  Basta cosi.

She usually cooks, mostly because I prefer to do the dishes.

We have no head of house.  Our rule is:  I have to put her first and she has to put me first.  That way we will always decide what is best with the other in mind and thereby avoid any major conflict.  This has worked very well thus far.  (That is really our main rule)

I don't think it makes any sense to relegate folks to different roles based on sex but that is just me.

This works out really well for me because I'm a girl and my g/f is a girl.  So if the trash was the boy's job... it wouldn't get done