What would you do?

[geoff]

So, this is such a fucked up thing in my mind, that I don't know how to deal with my family on it.  Basically, it looks like my mom stole a bunch of money from my grandmother, who has dimensia and wheels herself around in a little cart made of pvc all day.  My grandpa set up a fund to keep her taken care of after he died, which he did do, and now that is running low to the point that if grandma doesn't die in the next 2-3 years, she will have to move to a shittier place where they do crazy shit like electro shock stuff or rapage or what not, (she's in a quaker place now).  I have the bank statements that basically prove the wrongdoing, and I can say that she has been using this money to finance her lifestyle of working 2-3 days a week and traveling alot.  Honestly, I was going to call her and tell her to stay the fuck out of my life from here on out, but I ended up telling her that as long as she stopped stealing, and was open and honest about what she could and couldn't afford, that I forgave her and would welcome her in my life.  I'm wondering if I fucked that up, and should have stuck to the hardball plan of telling her to get lost.  Another fact in the story is that I have a 2.5 year old that is cognizant of who her grandmother is, and she knows grandma is naughty.  This is pretty much the reason I'm up this late (drinking) not knowing what the fuck to do.

[TackleTheWorld]

Crud, that is horrible.  What I would do is be confused and hurt and angry.  I wonder how your mom would react if you stole her money when she gets old.   I mean if it's ok for her to steal from a helpless old parent, it's ok for you to steal from a helpless old parent. 

If you are sickened by the thought of stealing from a helpless old person, you live in a decent world.  Leave your mom in her own disgusting world, don't let it infect yours and please please please don't let it infect your child's world.  Otherwise guess what will happen to you when you are old and helpless?

[Kat Kanning]

What would happen if you publicized this to all her friends/coworkers?

[Free libertarian]

Your 2.5 year old is right...grandma is naughty.

[Lloyd Danforth]

But, the 2.5 year old shouldn't know anything about this.

[cathleeninnh]

We often tell those we love that we will keep something quiet if they go straight. Maybe that is wrong. But not keeping quiet often makes our own lives harder. Making them face the music often throws them into the legal system.

Do you walk away and focus on yourself and daughter when that leaves grandma to the wolf? Can you cut mom off from the funds?

Sorry, wow.

Cathleen

[geoff]

It's not like I have sat my kid down and told her details, but when she hears us talking about grandma and asks, I think it's just best to tell her that grandma is naughty.  I don't know about publicizing this to her friends and coworkers, that would seem to me to be along the lines of throwing in the towel and walking away, which was my original plan, but I guess I gave her "one more chance."  I wouldn't do the same to her when she is old and in need, mainly b/c I honestly don't think at that point I'll be involved with her any more, and she can't make herself live within her means, so she's not saving any money that I could take.  She really can't control herself, the only difference between how she is now and from when I was a kid was that she got access to alot of someone else's money.  I think she will probably be good for a while and then go back to her old ways.  There probably wouldn't be much for me to try and steal anyhow, and I think what I will do is put some sort of backhouse on my property and let her bumble around out there for however long she continues to live.  And she is already involved in the legal system, her brother sued her for control of the account, now it is in the hands of some company that manages things like this.  So now it's just a matter of whether I made the right choice to give her another chance.

[cathleeninnh]

If much is out of your hands already, that makes it a bit easier. You can't trust her until she earns that trust back. Be open about your caution.

Good Luck
Cathleen