I'm going to whine about my life, feel free to ignore me.

[Trifith]

I just need to get this off my chest

I've just spent the last hour or so IM'ing with my wife, pretty much putting the last bits of our relationship in the grave. I have cause this wonderful woman no end of pain, and for that I am deeply sorry. It's a long, sad story, so fair warning. I'm not here looking for sympathy, as this situation is entirely my fault, but I need to tell somebody about it.

About a year ago, I was a different person. I was a relatively liberty minded constitutionalist, and generally happy with my life. My wife and I were happy together, I had a good job with great prospects for advancement, and while we weren't trying for a child, we weren't trying not to have one either. Around April '09 my mother gave me a copy of Atlas Shrugged, and although neither of us knew it at the time, it was the beginning of a path that brought me to anarchism, and the beginning of the changes in myself that destroyed my marriage.

The philosophy I found in that book caused me to begin re-evaluating my political opinions. I didn't communicate this with my wife, both because I hadn't worked it out for myself yet, and she wasn't interested in politics in general. I know now that this was a mistake. As I continued to examine the ideas of Objectivism I began to come across the ideas of anarchism, and that led me to a deeper understanding of the philosophy of liberty, but still not sure what I was dealing with, I didn't communicate with my wife, still viewing it as a purely political issue, and thus something she wouldn't be interested in. As I began to understand things I began trying to communicate the ideas to my wife. I did this badly, as I came at things from the conclusions I had reached, not from the principles I started with. This caused several rather heated arguments.

When I discovered the FSP I got very exited about the idea of moving to work for liberty, and began talking about that too with my wife. She was not interested in moving. As I continued learning the ideas of liberty, and about the activism going on in New Hampshire, I became increasingly unhappy with my life in North Carolina. My wife became increasingly unhappy with the person I was becoming. In September my wife and I took a week apart to allow both of us to try to decide what to do about the situation. Initially we tried to keep things together, but by mid October we decided that I would move to NH and she would follow later. In November she moved in with one of her friends and I started shutting down the household for my move. We divided our belongings, still intending to get back together. When I got here we found it difficult to communicate. We both went about our lives. We grew further apart. I still held out hope she would join me here, but now I know that won't be.

I know that I caused all these problems by not talking about the ideas I was finding with her. I am deeply saddened by the hurt I have caused.  I am very sorry for the hurt I caused. It's my fault, and I accept that. Thank you for reading.

[Kat Kanning]

I've often thought I'd be happier, not knowing so much about how the world really works, burying my head in the sand like my sister in law, who refuses to discuss or even think about 'politics'.  You can't un-eat the apple, though. 

Sorry to hear you two are going thru such bad times.

[Friday]

It sounds to me like you may be blaming yourself inappropriately.  It's not your responsibility to persuade your wife to the ideas of anarchism.  The fact that you tried and failed doesn't necessarily mean that you communicated the ideas poorly; maybe she just wasn't open to them.  Maybe she doesn't agree with them, or can't get over the conflicting ideas she was raised to believe. 

Since Atlas Shrugged had such an impact on you (as it did on me), did you ask her to read it?  Did she?  I know it's wicked long, but did she even *try* to read it?

You wanted to move to NH, and she didn't.  Did she even try to understand your feelings on the subject? Did she read about NH, or come here for a visit, or meet some of the people who live here?  Did you attempt to come to a compromise (for example, we'll try it for a year, and if you hate it, we'll move back), and if so, was she open to that?  If not, then you may just have found yourself in a difficult situation, but not your fault: you changed.  She didn't.  Your life goals changed.  Hers didn't.  And if you really have internalized the idea of self-ownership, then eventually you must face the ultimate question: are you living for her/us, or are you living for you.

As someone who went through a very similar experience five years ago, I can relate to much of what you're saying, and hope that you don't compound the emotional pain and trauma of the end of your marriage with undeserved self-blame. 

Hope this helps a little.      

[Trifith]

It sounds to me like you may be blaming yourself inappropriately.  It's not your responsibility to persuade your wife to the ideas of anarchism.  The fact that you tried and failed doesn't necessarily mean that you communicated the ideas poorly; maybe she just wasn't open to them.  Maybe she doesn't agree with them, or can't get over the conflicting ideas she was raised to believe. 

It's certainly possible that she wasn't open to the ideas, but I still feel I didn't communicate as well as I could have. I take a lot of the responsibility because of that. I know that the ideas conflict with so much of what people. including my wife, were raised with, and that is difficult to resolve. I know that I was taking on a huge task, and I don't blame myself for failing, so much as for not doing as well as I think I could have.

Since Atlas Shrugged had such an impact on you (as it did on me), did you ask her to read it?  Did she?  I know it's wicked long, but did she even *try* to read it?

I don't recall asking her to read it specifically, but I did tell her how much I enjoyed the book and she had plenty of opportunity to read it. This is one of the major areas I think I could have handled better.

You wanted to move to NH, and she didn't.  Did she even try to understand your feelings on the subject? Did she read about NH, or come here for a visit, or meet some of the people who live here?  Did you attempt to come to a compromise (for example, we'll try it for a year, and if you hate it, we'll move back), and if so, was she open to that?  If not, then you may just have found yourself in a difficult situation, but not your fault: you changed.  She didn't.  Your life goals changed.  Hers didn't.  And if you really have internalized the idea of self-ownership, then eventually you must face the ultimate question: are you living for her/us, or are you living for you.

As someone who went through a very similar experience five years ago, I can relate to much of what you're saying, and hope that you don't compound the emotional pain and trauma of the end of your marriage with undeserved self-blame. 

We explored several compromises before settling on me coming here and her following later. I tried to encourage her to read blogs and join forums to no avail. She understood that this was important to me, but not why. I'm here because liberty is important to me, and this is where it seems to be growing. I'm living the way I want, and in most of my life I am much happier than I have ever been. I was very upset last night as the last hope of saving my marriage fell away, which is what led to this post. I'm just grieving for what was lost, and accepting the portion of blame due to me for it.

Hope this helps a little.   

It does, Thank You.

[Pat K]

I have never regretted that I chose to "take the red pill." But there are days, just rarely, when the truth is so ugly, so brutal, so unmerciful, so relentless, that even if I wouldn't rip the truth from the wall socket and hurl it out the window to crash on the sidewalk below, I wouldn't mind if it featured a snooze button so we could savor just a few more moments in slumbered pretension and warm, fuzzy lies pulled snugly up over our heads.
--Penguins Scare Me

[Raineyrocks]

I'm sorry for what your going through Trifith.  I wish I knew what to say but I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and care about what your going through. 

[CJS]

 I am sorry fro the painful situation regarding your moving to NH , but sadly I am beginning to feel my move will have the same effect on my marriage .

[porcupine kate]

CJS and Trifith I'm sorry about you relationships. 

Mine imploded 6 months after we arrived here.  I was grateful that I was living here and not somewhere else.  Everyone was so supportive and many became good friends as a result of helping me through the mess of the ending of the relationship. (It was messy)

I would hope you could have your wife come visit NH.   One of the coolest things about the people here are the women.  They are a bunch of interesting people who do all sorts of different hobbies, careers, and activism.   Many of them their main focus is their families.  You will not see what they do on Youtube.  There is nothing more powerful in convincing your wife to come with you than meeting the bright, capable, responsible women of the FSP.  If your wife can see herself having a strong connection with these people it will be easier to up and leave everything she knows and loves.   Many of these women see that a ton of work needs to be done.  They run the gambit from conservative Republicans,  Tree huger hippies, libertarians, to minarchists, to full no government anarchists.  Just about all of them agree they should be able to live the life they choose and the only way is less government regulations.  The debate (which most would rather not start) is how much less. 

If you can make it to Porc Fest with you wife there is a chance your wife may change her mind.  Visiting here is very different than watching videos.  There is so much going on and interesting people here you can't begin to capture it in a video or reading a forum.

[Kat Kanning]

I am sorry fro the painful situation regarding your moving to NH , but sadly I am beginning to feel my move will have the same effect on my marriage .

Oh no! 

[Sam A. Robrin]

I wrote a song about the situation, albeit a more optimistic one:

SEE YOU IN NEW HAMPSHIRE    ("See You in September")
See You In September by the Happenings
COPYRIGHT 2009 by Sam A. Robrin or whoever the hell it is who writes these things. Go ahead and use it (Hey, I lifted the melody!), but if you make a little money on it, I want some!

(Think of the mountains there'll be to climb
Working to bring freedom in our time.)

(I must   Live free   Or die
I must   Live free) 

See you in New Hampshire.
   If--No--When you get there, too.
Here I am        (I must live free)
Leaving to move to the Free State,     (I must live free)
No need to restate        (I must live free)
   It's what I have to do.        (I must live free)

You have family, and a job here,
   Optimistic of a better day,
But you still don't see what I fear:
   Our freedom is being borne away.

(Climbing those mountains is hard, but fun--
Dangerous business, but must be done.)

Don't tread on me!
Don't tread on me!
Don't tread on me!        (I must   Live free   Or die)
Don't tread on me!        (I must live free)

Yes, I love you, but I am sure
   That I couldn't if we can't be free
Will I see you in New Hampshire--
   My two loves: You and Liberty?

(Stand at the summit with flag unfurled,
Gazing below at a new, free world.)

See you     (I must  Live free  Or die)
In New Hampshire        (I must  Live free  Or die)
I'm sure I'll
See you     (I must  Live free  Or die)
In New Hampshire        (I must  Live free  Or die)
Can't wait to
See you     (I must  Live free  Or die)
In New Hampshire        (I must  Live free  Or die)

[Trifith]

Thank you all for the kind words. This is a difficult part of my life, and the support of friends makes it much easier.