Advice Please for a parenting issue with 18 year old son

[Sweet Mercury]

Otosan,

I think the discipline from the military would be very good for Jon, it would probraly be an easier choice if the USA wasn't at war. 

Coast Guard?

Hrm... the coast gaurd is strictly defensive, correct? Their websight has a lot of Dept. of Homeland Security subtitles. That would bother me ideologically.

[Raineyrocks]

Otosan,

I think the discipline from the military would be very good for Jon, it would probraly be an easier choice if the USA wasn't at war. 

Coast Guard?

Okay I'm back after that, I think I needed to clean my eyes out anyway.  Funny you should mention that Dreepa, my husband was in the Coast Guard and said he thinks that's probraly the better of choices but is still concerned because or Iraq and god knows maybe Iran too.  I think you need your GED or high school diploma, do you know if you do?  We paid for Jon to go to GED classes in Maryland and then found out he wasn't even going after a few weeks so we grounded him and he started going again but didn't pass the pre-test so the teacher said he needed more classes but we moved up here.  And as you know he left here before we could even discuss the GED.  Basically if we had to tell Jon to get out as a last resort, the military seems like the only place he would have to go anyway.  I would be so hesitant to get him a bus ticket back to Maryland because he's already getting into so much trouble there.  
I just spoke with Rick and he's upset that our old neighbor smacked Jon upside the head because his granddaughter isn't blameless here either.  I wonder if Jon is going to be able to stay out of jail until we do go get him but he's the adult now with all of the answers so there's only so much we can do.
I will however look into the Coast Guard info, thanks!

[Raineyrocks]

Otosan,

I think the discipline from the military would be very good for Jon, it would probraly be an easier choice if the USA wasn't at war. 

Coast Guard?

Hrm... the coast gaurd is strictly defensive, correct? Their websight has a lot of Dept. of Homeland Security subtitles. That would bother me ideologically.

I think the coast guard is strictly defensive, I'd have to ask Rick.  I'll go to their website but what could the Dept. of Homeland Security subtitles mean?

[error]

The Coast Guard reports to the Department of Homeland Security during peacetime, and the Department of Defense during wartime.

Currently they report to the Department of Homeland Security.

That hasn't stopped many in the Coast Guard from getting deployed to the Middle East. After all, there are bodies of water out there!

[Sweet Mercury]

I think the coast guard is strictly defensive, I'd have to ask Rick.  I'll go to their website but what could the Dept. of Homeland Security subtitles mean?

My concern would be the Drug-War style paramilitary action against American citizens. I guess I'm not exactly sure that the function and juristiction of the Coast Guard is—my only issue would be with being involved in wars of aggression or flagrent violations of the Constitution. But that's me, and I actually feel like maybe I'm hijacking your thread? Sorry 'bout that.

[Raineyrocks]

The Coast Guard reports to the Department of Homeland Security during peacetime, and the Department of Defense during wartime.

Currently they report to the Department of Homeland Security.

That hasn't stopped many in the Coast Guard from getting deployed to the Middle East. After all, there are bodies of water out there!

But if we're supposed to be at war according to bush how come they're not reporting to DOD?  Your right too whenever you join any military branch you could end up anywhere in anything.

[error]

Because Congress never declared war.

Anyway, most of what the Coast Guard does is attempt to catch drug smugglers and Cubans...

[Raineyrocks]

My concern would be the Drug-War style paramilitary action against American citizens. I guess I'm not exactly sure that the function and juristiction of the Coast Guard is?my only issue would be with being involved in wars of aggression or flagrent violations of the Constitution. But that's me, and I actually feel like maybe I'm hijacking your thread? Sorry 'bout that.

Please don't feel like your hijacking my thread, I asked for advice and I'm getting it, thank you.  I feel the same way about him being involved in wars of aggression too, for the life of me I don't want my son hurting anyone.  
If only I could be assured the coast guard was like it was when my husband was in there.  The worst thing Rick had to do was board a ship to check for drugs and it was the first and last time he had to pull a gun on someone, (they weren't being compliant with the search), and he said it was the creepiest feeling he ever had; pointing a gun at someone and maybe having to use it too.
I'm going to have to deal with this situation as it comes along I guess.

[Sweet Mercury]

My concern would be the Drug-War style paramilitary action against American citizens. I guess I'm not exactly sure that the function and juristiction of the Coast Guard is—my only issue would be with being involved in wars of aggression or flagrent violations of the Constitution. But that's me, and I actually feel like maybe I'm hijacking your thread? Sorry 'bout that.

Please don't feel like your hijacking my thread, I asked for advice and I'm getting it, thank you.  I feel the same way about him being involved in wars of aggression too, for the life of me I don't want my son hurting anyone.  
If only I could be assured the coast guard was like it was when my husband was in there.  The worst thing Rick had to do was board a ship to check for drugs and it was the first and last time he had to pull a gun on someone, (they weren't being compliant with the search), and he said it was the creepiest feeling he ever had; pointing a gun at someone and maybe having to use it too.
I'm going to have to deal with this situation as it comes along I guess.

I feel better already =).

Granted, military service is a last resort, and the fact that he's 18 means no one else can force him into it anyway—you can let him know that it's an option and urge him in that direction if you and your husband feels it's necessary.

The best way is to deal with things as you would with any adult living in your home, compassionate but firm. If he has developed a habit of taking advantage of someone's kindness, then it's all the more important that you stay firm with the lines you draw.

[KBCraig]

Rainey, I think you said something about him threatening to join the Marines, to manipulate you into begging him not to.

When Nate turned 18, he'd already been finished with school for over a year. He had wandered from one part-time fast food job to the next, and was generally aimless. We'd reminded him several times of our terms: so long as he was going to college (or vo-tech), he was free to live here. Working and paying rent was not an option, because we didn't want his money (not that he was on track to make any). He had a vague notion that he was going to rich designing video games, and apparently planned to train for that career by playing video games 16 hours a day.

The day after his 18th birthday, we told him to get serious, or get out. He tried bluffing his mother by telling her he was thinking about joining the Army. She said, "Okay, go get in the van and we'll go talk to the recruiter."

Not our first choice, obviously, but it worked, and he's matured drastically. He'll turn 20 in May, and has been in the Army for over 18 months now.

Your son is an adult, no matter how childish he's acting. You're his parents, but you can't treat him like a child. You're no longer responsible for his choices. Give him a chance to get help on your terms. If he finds the terms unacceptable, that is his choice. But don't back down.

Kevin

[Raineyrocks]

I feel better already =).

Granted, military service is a last resort, and the fact that he's 18 means no one else can force him into it anyway?you can let him know that it's an option and urge him in that direction if you and your husband feels it's necessary.

The best way is to deal with things as you would with any adult living in your home, compassionate but firm. If he has developed a habit of taking advantage of someone's kindness, then it's all the more important that you stay firm with the lines you draw.

Yeah that's true we couldn't force him to join, it actually in a weird way feels like a relief.   I just got off of the phone with Jon and he wants to come up here sooner now that our old neighbor is after him for messing with his granddaughter.  My feelings on that one are to stick to the original date of picking him up but Rick wants to get him this weekend and is angry that Jack (old neighbor) hit Jon.  So right now I'd say his daddy is babying him and not his mommy.  Thank you!

[Raineyrocks]

Rainey, I think you said something about him threatening to join the Marines, to manipulate you into begging him not to.

When Nate turned 18, he'd already been finished with school for over a year. He had wandered from one part-time fast food job to the next, and was generally aimless. We'd reminded him several times of our terms: so long as he was going to college (or vo-tech), he was free to live here. Working and paying rent was not an option, because we didn't want his money (not that he was on track to make any). He had a vague notion that he was going to rich designing video games, and apparently planned to train for that career by playing video games 16 hours a day.

The day after his 18th birthday, we told him to get serious, or get out. He tried bluffing his mother by telling her he was thinking about joining the Army. She said, "Okay, go get in the van and we'll go talk to the recruiter."

Not our first choice, obviously, but it worked, and he's matured drastically. He'll turn 20 in May, and has been in the Army for over 18 months now.

Your son is an adult, no matter how childish he's acting. You're his parents, but you can't treat him like a child. You're no longer responsible for his choices. Give him a chance to get help on your terms. If he finds the terms unacceptable, that is his choice. But don't back down.

Kevin

That is so funny because Jon wants to design video games too and yes just like Nate plenty of training. Rick keeps reminding me that Jon's an adult now and we're not responsible for him, he is, it is hard for me to accept that he is actually an adult because of how immature he is.  Rick also said that Jon chose to leave here and now that he wants to come back he will have to adjust to how we've changed not the other way around. Jon was just telling me on the phone that he's changed and won't call anyone names, wants to get a job with Rick, misses us, ect.  I know he loves us but I think he wants to save his butt from the mess he's created in Maryland so he'll just about say anything.  I do think out of this entire experience the one big thing I've learned is how to tell when he's "playing" me so if I keep that bit of knowledge to myself I have the advantage.
I'm glad your son matured; I hope mine does too.   Do you think we should give him a key to the door right away or wait to see how he is going to behave?  He doesn't drive, (thank god), he doesn't know anyone here so I'm pretty sure we are assured of having a few weeks of peace.
It was easier to accept that my daughter was an adult, she's very responsible and mature and I love our relationship. I would love to have that with Jon also.  I just hope and pray he didn't get anyone pregnant on his escapades. Thank you for the advice.

[Sweet Mercury]

I feel better already =).

Granted, military service is a last resort, and the fact that he's 18 means no one else can force him into it anyway—you can let him know that it's an option and urge him in that direction if you and your husband feels it's necessary.

The best way is to deal with things as you would with any adult living in your home, compassionate but firm. If he has developed a habit of taking advantage of someone's kindness, then it's all the more important that you stay firm with the lines you draw.

Yeah that's true we couldn't force him to join, it actually in a weird way feels like a relief.   I just got off of the phone with Jon and he wants to come up here sooner now that our old neighbor is after him for messing with his granddaughter.  My feelings on that one are to stick to the original date of picking him up but Rick wants to get him this weekend and is angry that Jack (old neighbor) hit Jon.  So right now I'd say his daddy is babying him and not his mommy.  Thank you!

Ah, well, if Jon was still a child, then I can see your husband flipping out. I don't know any parents who appreciate that line being crossed, ever. Jack was probably out of line in hitting Jon regardless, so I can see the anger.

I would say that upping the date by which you get him out of a bad situation is all right, but still stand firm when it comes to the agreements you reach about your son's living situation in your home. I lived at home for many years very peacably, and now I am in school and living at home—not as my parents child (though I still am), but as a third functioning adult in a large household. I pay rent, I do yardwork, I provide rides and other help for my younger siblings. It's a decent arrangement.

[Tom Sawyer]

Career choices are rather limited for someone without a diploma... manual labor and service jobs are a good lesson to show he might want more education. Not going to get a dream job sitting around dreaming. A lot of bright, talented, educated people to compete with to design video games.

The military is not necessarily a good option if you just randomly except whatever field they end up throwing you into. Need to score well in the testing and get a contract for the schooling promised. In addition disciplinary problems are handled much harder than in the outside world. Say the wrong thing to the wrong person go to jail.

Your son is now in a man's world where getting smacked upside the head by someone's grandpa is light compared to the way other men might treat him. My nephew had a habit of mouthing off to people... until the day he mouthed off to the wrong guy, he took a hell of a beating, broken arm etc.

I mention these things to remind a mom that the discomfort of becoming a man and venture out into the world of responsibility is difficult and potentially dangerous. Mom and Dad love you and put up with some crap because they love you and want to prepare you for the journey ahead. However there is no way to avoid the discomfort... you can only prolong the process.

[KBCraig]

The military is not necessarily a good option if you just randomly except whatever field they end up throwing you into.

That's absolutely true. Nate finished his schooling at home, and scored well on his GED. He scored 95th percentile on the ASVAB, giving him his choice of jobs. He chose 19D Cavalry Scout. He didn't know it when he made the choice, but that decision gave him a $19,000 signing bonus, because it's an "in demand MOS", and he chose the "first available" school date.

Showing up at the recruiter's with an "I dunno" attitude and poor scores, will put him into some pretty poor career pools.

Folks here have legitimate concerns about military service, especially in light of the current foreign engagements. Some suggest Coast Guard as an alternative, even though USCG is a military component when they're needed as such.

Someone else pointed it out above: Coast Guard doesn't just rescue lost boaters and protect the shores. The major CG focus is as "maritime police". Unlike other agencies involved in the "War on Drugs", the CG has free rein to stop, board, and search all vessels in "U.S. Waters". A goodly portion of those "U.S. Waters" are ordinary inland rivers and lakes, thousands of miles from the salty shores.

The DoD forces are involved in foreign conflicts that some folks consider illegal. But the USCG is involved every day in stops, searches, and seizures inside the U.S. interior waterways, that would be illegal for a state trooper to perform on a highway.

They're some of the biggest players in the War On Some  Drugs.

Kevin