Deity Evaluation Form

[MaineShark]

Post-Purchase Deity Evaluation Form

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few  moments to answer the following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?
   __ Newspaper
   __ Bible
   __ Torah
   __ Koran
   __ Television
   __ Book of Mormon
   __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Dead Sea Scrolls
   __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
   __ Near Death Experience
   __ Near Life Experience
   __ National Public Radio
   __ Tabloid
   __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?
   __ Jehovah
   __ Jesus
   __ Krishna
   __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
   __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
   __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
   __ Allah
   __ Satan
   __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
   __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
   __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
   __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good  working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   __ Yes
   __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
   __ Not eternal
   __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
   __ Not omniscient
   __ Not omnipotent
   __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
   __ Permits sex outside of marriage
   __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
   __ Makes mistakes
   __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
   __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
   __ Looks after life other than that on Earth
   __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
   __ Requires burnt offerings
   __ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
   __ Indoctrinated by parents
   __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Indoctrinated by society
   __ Needed focus in whom to despise
   __ Needed focus in whom to love
   __ Imaginary friend grew up
   __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
   __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to piss off parents
   __ Wanted to please parents
   __ Needed a day away from school or work
   __ Desperate need for certainty
   __ Like organ music
   __ Need to feel morally superior
   __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
   __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
   __ @#%$ was falling out of the sky
   __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
   __ Baal
   __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ The Radical Right
   __ Amon Ra
   __ Beelzebub
   __ Bill Gates
   __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
   __ The Great Spirit
   __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun
   __ The Moon
   __ The Force
   __ Cindy Crawford
   __ Elvis
   __ A burning shrub
   __ Psychiatry
   __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
   __ Tarot
   __ Lottery
   __ Astrology
   __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies
   __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network
   __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry
   __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books
   __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
   __ Biorhythms
   __ Alcohol
   __ Marijuana
   __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves
   __ EST
   __ Amway
   __ CompuServe
   __ Mantras
   __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals
   __ Human sacrifice
   __ Pyramids
   __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies
   __ Burning shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ Barney Fife
   __ Other:_____________________
   __ None

7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below:
   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know.
   e. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your  opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
   a. Disasters:
   1 2 3 4 5 flood
   1 2 3 4 5 famine
   1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
   1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
   1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
   1 2 3 4 5 plague
   1 2 3 4 5 Spam
   1 2 3 4 5 AOL

   b. Miracles:
   1 2 3 4 5 rescues
   1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
   1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
   1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
   1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
   1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
   1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
   1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
   __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
   __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

[David]

Gee, so impersonal.  I like things to be warm and fuzzy. 
BTW, did you write this?  It was funny. 

[Russell Kanning]

very funny

[Braddogg]

 

[MaineShark]

BTW, did you write this?  It was funny.

Nope.  Random email forwards are, occasionally, actually worthwhile.  Most often not, but there are a few gems...

Joe

[aworldnervelink]

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

The Flying Spaghetti Monster touched me with his noodly appendage...

[Kat Kanning]

Wow, Kevin, you're really brave to admit that publically.