alli (or, how to lose weight and friends with one little pill)

[Friday]

How to lose weight and friends with one little pill

The company that makes the drug actually suggests it's a 'smart idea' to wear dark pants

SCOTT FESCHUK | July 9, 2007 | MacLeans

Good news, everyone: at long last a pharmaceutical company has come up with a drug that combines all the health benefits of losing weight with the unforgettable thrill of soiling yourself in public!
The company is GlaxoSmithKline, makers of Alli, which has been released in the United States for over-the-counter sale after years of painstaking research and unspeakable crimes against defenceless underpants.
The upside of Alli is that it can help people on a diet lose up to 50 per cent more weight. The downside is that this weight is likely to depart the body in the form of -- in the company's own words ... its graphic, unforgettable, dream-haunting words -- "loose stools," "more frequent stools that may be hard to control," and "gas with oily spotting," which sounds like an alternative rock band or a Jackson Pollock technique, but no, in this case refers to terrifyingly explosive farts.
Even to a society schooled to anticipate the inevitable "side effect" segment of every upbeat drug commercial -- some users may experience headache, stigmata, transsexuality and the medical condition commonly known as "Karl Malden nose" -- these grab our attention. Loose stools? That may be hard to control?? GlaxoSmithKline refers to these as "treatment effects." With all due respect, a runny nose is a "treatment effect." Heartburn -- that is a "treatment effect." Soiling yourself in public is really more of a "now I have no choice but to relocate to a different hemisphere because my life here is completely ruined effect."
Given the sensitivity of the issue, one can only imagine the gruelling series of rewrites to which these "treatment effects" were subjected:
Writer No. 1 -- How about we call them "unstable stools?"
Writer No. 2 -- Sounds like something you'd buy at IKEA. "Freedom feces?"
Writer No. 1 -- Patriotic!
Unlike certain weight-loss drugs, Alli (pronounced "ally," as in: if you want to lose weight and all your friends, Alli is your ally!) does nothing to reduce your desire to eat. Instead, it stops the body from breaking down and absorbing fat -- a remarkable scientific achievement, really, if you take away the whole crapping-your-pants thing. In fact, GlaxoSmithKline claims Alli is able to block about 25 per cent of the fat you eat while simultaneously grossing out 100 per cent of the people sitting next to you on the bus.
But really -- how common can these so-called "treatment effects" be? Well, the actual makers of this actual drug actually advise users to "bring a change of clothes to work," and suggest that it's probably a "smart idea" to wear dark pants. It is also recommended that users practise pointing at the fat guy in the next cubicle and whispering to everyone, "It was him."
If surrendering power of attorney over your anus is not alarming enough -- and judging from Alli's brisk sales, it's not -- consider that the drug only helps you lose weight if you're already losing weight by eating a low-fat diet. Plus the drug company warns that "you may need to continue taking Alli" just to maintain your weight loss. Heck, take it for long enough and you may get Superman-quick at ditching your befouled clothes in phone booths!
The drug's website showcases many photographs of happy, smiling women attired in white pants. Clearly these women cannot be using Alli. They must have snuck over from a Levitra ad. In any event, the site offers a number of important advisories for people who decide to use Alli. The actual tips are in quotes below; the italics are mine:
• "The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza." Hmm, I'm not sure I need Alli now that I will never eat pizza again.
• "You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take Alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens." In fact, it's probably best to just move your desk into the can. You don't want to embarrass yourself by informing everyone that you're on a weight-loss drug that's transformed your bowel into a fecal fun-slide, so tell them something less humiliating, like, "I have an uncontrollable urine fetish."
• "You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce." One can only guess, with mounting horror and stomach-turning unease, what must have happened during the laboratory pasta test to warrant Alfredo sauce being singled out in this way. Suffice to say the findings form the basis for North Korea's next weapons test.
• "[If you] take Alli capsules as directed, you should see results in the first two weeks." Results include going home each night with a briefcase full of shame and the bestowing upon you by your office colleagues of the nickname "Stinkybum."
• "In case of overdose, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Centre right away." You may also want to bring along 300 to 400 extra pairs of dark pants.

[Lloyd Danforth]

I find the explanation of the side effects of prescription drugs on TV commercials some of the most entertaining stuff on the idiot box.  I can only assume they are compelled by law to devulge them.

[Tom Sawyer]

This story prompted me to research olestra... of anal leakage fame.

One man's research.
http://www.zug.com/pranks/olestra/