Violent dog-loving rant

[dalebert]

From Stuff God Hates

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry, I, the Lord God Almighty, choose to focus My Righteous Rage on demon cats that want to suck out your soul and kill your children while they sleep.

I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.

Just for the record, I'd like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.

Long have Lucifer's race of demon cats brought devastation to My People! In fact, cats are directly responsible for 90% of history's most evil events. It was a cat who convinced Adolph Hitler to kill My Jews (and to wear a mustache). The Holocaust, Slavery, The Sinking of the Titanic, The Hindenburg Disaster, The Teapot Dome Scandal, The Cancellation of Studio 60, Carlos Mencia - all of these atrocities occurred because of cats.

Also, they like to scratch up your couch and pee on your brand new feather comforter. And sometimes they even shit on your chest while you're sleeping. I've seen these tragedies happen far too many times.

And so I created dogs! Dogs chase and devour cats at every opportunity. Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.

If you be a true believer* in Me, The Almighty God, you will do as I say. I proclaim to you now - if you see a cat, you kill a cat! If a cat follows your son home from the comic book store, grab it by the nape of its neck and drown it while your son watches.

If you go to your new neighbor's house for dinner and see that he owns a cat, walk right over and snap its neck. I promise you, Satan's spell will be broken and your neighbor will thank you for it.

If you know an old woman who has a great many cats, go and burn her house down, being careful to shoot her or any kittens that try to escape. If you do these things for Me, I will bless you and your family all of your life.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

*If you are allergic to cats, you are a good person and will go to Heaven.

[Puke]

 

[Lloyd Danforth]

I'm going to send this to one of my cat loving friends.  She'll probably cry

[srqrebel]

 

As both an atheist and cat lover, that is the most hilarious thing I have read in a long time!

The humor is in the sheer absurdity of the way it describes cats, combined with the refreshingly cynical depiction of "the lord god almighty".

[dalebert]

Oh, I love cats too. What I find funny is the cat-lover vs. dog-lover enmity that seems to exist. I get a kick out of it when I see it. Seems like there are more cat-hating dog-lovers but there are some of the other too. I think dog-lovers are seeking some kind of unconditional love or affirmation that dogs (in general) seem more ready to provide whereas cats tend to be more independent and just kind of funny and cuddly. Both have their uses.

I love dogs and cats. I want either, both, whatever. I prolly would if I didn't have allergies. Then again, I can't say I'm a big fan of cleaning up the fur and stuph, but I definitely love other people's dogs and cats when I'm visiting. If not for my allergies, I'd cuddle them for hours.

[Puke]

I now declare this thread cat-jacked. 

[dalebert]

Lauren's cat let me hold him like a baby. That's always delightful. 

[K. Darien Freeheart]

Last time cats were killed in the name of God, the Black Plague wiped out a large chunk of the European population.

[srqrebel]

Last time cats were killed in the name of God, the Black Plague wiped out a large chunk of the European population.

Very true! I wonder how many people are actually aware of that.

[dalebert]

Do you guys read much Stephen King? He's a big defender of cats. They frequently show up as heroic creatures in his stories, sometimes after being mistakenly villainized by other characters.

[Kat Kanning]

Didn't he write a scary story about a dog?

[dalebert]

Didn't he write a scary story about a dog?

Sure but he makes heroic characters out of dogs as well. I know there's a dog in The Stand who keeps one of the heroes alive when he's wounded and can't move, killing animals and bringing them to him to eat and such.

[Puke]

Cujo is the evil dog story.
What about pet cemetery? Wasn't that a King story?

[Cyro]

[Raineyrocks]

I'm going to send this to one of my cat loving friends.  She'll probably cry

That's so mean but so good at the same time!  Almost everybody I know likes cats, I used to but don't anymore.  I was just trying to be nice to one of our cats that has FELV and she scratched the crap out of me.  So much for that now I probably have cat AIDS or something, little scum!

All of my favorite cats with real unique personalities and brains are dead now.  We're left with dumb, floor pissing, puking, crapping morons!  Sorry for all you cat lovers but we all have our opinions.